


When I Fall In Love

by Anwamane_13



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform, M/M, spn-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-07
Updated: 2015-10-07
Packaged: 2018-04-25 07:59:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 63,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4952623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anwamane_13/pseuds/Anwamane_13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>36 year-old Dr. Castiel Novak lives for his work and his teen daughter Claire. His life is predictable but it goes on as it should and he finds comfort in routine. When Claire starts dating Ben, Castiel freaks out at first, but ends up liking the boy a lot. When Ben asks him to take a look at his father’s leg, wounded working for the UN troops, of course Castiel says yes. Little does he know that Ben’s dad is none other than Dean Winchester, the guy who broke his heart years ago. He tries to keep his distance, he tries to hate the guy, but this proves to be extremely difficult, because Dean is charming as ever, just as Castiel remembers…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A million thanks to my artist, the awesome betakitten. First, because she chose my fic. Second, for being an awesome artist. And third for drawing exactly what I had imagined for a certain special scene, without even knowing what was in my mind. I'm so happy that I got to work with you! It was an honor and a pleasure. 
> 
> Thanks to my beta, the amazing andsomewasps, who listened patiently to all my rants and my insecurity, and who is always there when I need her. Never forget that I'm here too, whenever you need me. 
> 
> And finally... This is a work of fan fiction. No money is being made with this story. The characters are property of the CW. You all know this. I'm just writing for fun. So please, don't sue.

Artist: the awesome [betakitten](http://betakitten.livejournal.com/952.html) AKA [castielsdarkness](http://castielsdarkness.tumblr.com) - She's an amazing artist and everyone should definitely check her work!

Beta: [andsomewasps](http://andsomewasps.tumblr.com)

 

 

CHAPTER 1

 

Castiel wakes up, as always, at five thirty. He showers, shaves and goes downstairs for breakfast. Claire is usually already by the stove, making French toast. Castiel loves French toast, and Claire cooks breakfast almost every day – except on weekends, when no one can get her out of bed early – so every other day she makes his favorite breakfast.

 

“Morning, Dad!” she says brightly.

 

“Morning, baby,” he grumbles, because Castiel never truly wakes up before his first – of many – cup of coffee.

 

“Sit down,” Claire says, “I’m almost done here.”

 

He sighs, thinking about his warm bed upstairs. Like every morning, he desperately wants to go back to sleep. Especially today, that he rolled on the bed for hours, unsettled, God knows why. But, like every morning, work is waiting for him; there are patients to see, interns to yell at, the usual.

 

The coffeemaker bings. Castiel pours the dark liquid into his cup and stares out the kitchen window. The first leaves of autumn are starting to fall, which gives the backyard a melancholic tone. Or perhaps is just Castiel that’s a little too thoughtful today.

 

Claire puts his plate on the table. “Eat, Daddy,” she says, and gets on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek.

 

After a few sips of hot coffee, Castiel, feeling more human, starts to talk. “Thank you, sweetie.”

 

They eat in companionable silence for a while, but soon Claire starts chatting, talking about school, about her best friend Krissy Chambers, about her favorite teacher, Miss Anna Milton. Castiel loves this time in the morning, the quiet moments when he and Claire talk about anything and everything, enjoy each other’s company, before their day begins.

 

When he thinks that in about two years she’ll be going to college, and he’ll be alone in this house, he feels something indescribable; some kind of dread, of uncertainty that he can’t explain. Maybe is the fear of loneliness, because Castiel has always been a loner, but when Claire leaves… he will be truly alone.

 

“Dad?” Claire says softly, touching his arm from across the table. “Aren’t you going to be late?”

 

Castiel looks at the clock. Six forty-five. How did time go by so fast? “Wow,” is all he says, getting up. He gets up and hugs her thin frame, kissing her blond hair. “Good morning again, sweetheart. Have fun at school”

 

“As if this is even possible, Dad,” she answers, hugging him back. “You better call the hospital, Hannah will have a fit if you’re too late.”

 

Hannah, Castiel’s faithful assistant, and friend since first grade, always arrives at six-thirty, and makes sure everything’s ready for his first surgery of the day. She’s more than overprotective, though. If he ends up being late for work, she always imagines something bad happened, like a car accident, and Castiel’s body is sprawled on the road.

 

“Finish your breakfast,” he tells his daughter. “I’m going to get dressed, and don’t worry, I’ll call Hannah. Today I only have the interns to deal with until nine. They won’t mind if I’m late.”

 

“That’s because you’re intimidating, Daddy,” Claire says, laughing. She’s a happy kid, seems to be always smiling, despite being raised without a mother and having a father who works like crazy. For that, Castiel is grateful.

 

“I’m not. I’m testing their ability to deal with stressful situations,” he says, putting his empty mug in the sink.

 

“You’re the most stressful thing they’ll ever have to deal with, so give them a break once in a while,” she says, taking the dishes to the sink. “You’re too serious at work, Dad. No one would guess you’re so funny.”

 

By ‘so funny’ she means Castiel is clumsy and utterly inadequate when dealing with people he’s not familiar with. That gives him a permanent serious expression, because he’s always concentrating on not sounding or acting too serious, which in turn makes him do exactly the opposite. Well, that, and the fact that he talks like he’s just swallowed an encyclopedia. Therefore, he’s acquired a little bit of a reputation of being too formal and more than a little blunt, irritable, uncompromising, and of course, of pushing people who work under him too hard. That has put him in funny and uncomfortable situations over the years, because he simply scares people, even if he hardly ever means to. Claire loves when he tells her the stories of how his excessive sincerity leaves people outraged; how the interns babble and drop their books when he’s around, how there’s always a rumor that he made someone cry, how the nurses pale and run to the other side of the hospital when he starts his rounds. It makes her laugh, makes her think her father is the funniest man in the world. Maybe he is funny, who knows? Gabriel, Samandriel and Meg think he’s hilarious.

 

Castiel goes back upstairs to change. He decides to put on the pinstripe gray suit. It makes him look less intimidating, he tells himself, but in fact it makes him look just the same. It just happens to be Claire’s favorite, and he has an inexplicable desire to please her today.

 

Later, when they’re ready to go, Claire puts her backpack on the sofa to straighten his tie, as she does every morning. “Come here, Dad,” she says, “this is backwards. Again.”

 

He shrugs, helplessly. He’s never learned how to tie the thing properly, and he never will.

 

Claire straightens the blue tie and looks him hesitantly. “Um… Dad? Today is Friday.”

 

There it is. As if he could forget. “I’m aware.”

 

“You remember that today you need to come home earlier, right? After school, I’m going to the library to study with Krissy, and after that, I’ll come home with - ”

 

Castiel nods. “I remember.”

 

“Be nice to him, Dad,” she asks, blushing a little. “I told him you’re nice.”

 

“Why would you do that?” he smirks a little. “In this situation, I think I’m allowed to be at least intimidating.”

 

“I want him to like you, I really do,” she says sincerely, and what can he do but smile? “So, be nice and try not to scare him.”

 

Castiel looks at his daughter and tries to give her his best reassuring look. “Don’t worry, baby. I’ll be nice. I promise to at least try my best.”

 

He has no other choice but be nice to the guy. The one who now occupies all of Claire’s thoughts. And, by extension, a great part of Castiel’s thoughts too: Ben, Claire’s first boyfriend. The reason of his insomnia. Castiel is so not anxious to meet him. That’s why he’s so fidgety today. The guy wants to take his princess away from him. If he could choose, Castiel would never meet the usurper. The problem is that he will do anything to make Claire happy. And Claire is bringing Ben to meet her father tonight.  

 

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

 

It happens like this:

 

Claire is in love. One day she comes home blushing and tries to tell Castiel about this boy she’s met. He’s handsome, she says, and older too – he’s a senior, while Claire is a junior. He’s had at least three girlfriends since he transferred from California to Lawrence. And Claire thinks he’s the most wonderful guy she’s ever met.

 

Castiel doesn’t pay much attention at first. Ben is not the first boy Claire is infatuated with. She and Krissy, have been ‘in love’ at last a dozen times in the last year alone, he’s sure it will pass as soon as the next handsome boy catches her eye.

 

But it doesn’t pass. Castiel listens while Claire talks about Ben endlessly. The guy wears a leather jacket, apparently. He also likes classic rock and cars – Castiel thinks it’s funny, because, well, like father, like daughter, right? Castiel too, used to like leather jackets and cars, especially… well, never mind. Ben is very popular with the girls, but apparently hates sports. He’s more of the ‘bad boy’ type, Castiel thinks. Claire talks about his last girlfriend, about how he humiliated the jocks who tried to beat up one of her friends, a thin nerd guy named Garth, about how he got an A in a Math test without going to half the classes.

 

Still, he’s not worried. Castiel thinks it’s endearing, even. Sure, Claire talks more about Ben than she talks about anyone, except her friends. But she’s a teenager, after all, and teenagers do that a lot. They obsess about things, he remembers he did. So, it’s normal that his little girl is growing up. All parents have to go through this, right?

 

He starts to worry – a lot, in fact – the day he comes home and finds Claire with her eyes red from crying. Krissy’s father is the one who picks the girls at school – Castiel is the one who takes them, it’s been like that for years. Today the man’s car broke and he couldn’t go. Castiel was in surgery, and unable to go in his place. So Ben gave Claire and Krissy a ride. They sat in the backseat while Ben’s girlfriend was practically sitting on his lap and trying to kiss him all the way from school. Castiel doesn’t think it was big deal. But Claire is crying and it automatically turns into the biggest deal ever.

 

“I really like h- him, Dad,” Claire hiccups, fresh tears wetting his shirt while he holds her. “I h– had to watch while she kissed him a- and… something started to hurt here,” she says, pointing to her own chest.

 

O-oh. She’s really in love.

 

He doesn’t know what to say to fix this, and God, does he want to. Ben automatically turns into the biggest asshole in Castiel’s eyes. How can he not see that Claire is the most special girl in the world? She’s too young to date, of course. Maybe when she’s twenty-something and finishes college. But still, the boy is an idiot who can’t see how special Castiel’s baby is.

 

He makes her favorite dinner, lasagna. He suggests a Harry Potter marathon. He lets her sleep in his bed with him, and tucks her in with his own pillow and her favorite blanket. He spends the whole night praying that she never gets hurt.

 

She spends almost two weeks without talking about the boy. She doesn’t seem exactly sad, but the brightness in her eyes is dimmed. Life goes on. Claire’s friends come over on the weekends. Castiel works. He and Claire have breakfast and dinner together, watch movies, go to the mall, visit Naomi, his mother. Samandriel and Gabriel come on Friday and they have a lot of fun together, since Claire adores her uncles.

 

One Monday night, though, Ben comes back to their conversations.

 

“I think he needs a friend,” Claire tells him.

 

“Why would he? Isn’t he the most popular guy in school?”

 

“Popularity can be very lonely, Dad,” Claire says. “I’ve decided I’m gonna be his friend. He has problems with his parents, they’re divorced and don’t get along well, his father is a soldier and spends a lot of time in other countries… anyways, he needs a friend. And it’s gonna be me.”

 

“If you’re sure…” Castiel says, already worried. This guy is going to break his little girl’s heart.

 

“I’m sure,” she says, nodding to herself.

 

Castiel sighs and keeps eating.

 

“He knows you’re gay, by the way,” she says casually. “I’m sorry to out you, but if he has a problem with that, we can’t get along, right? So I told him you’re a single parent and you’re gay. He says he’s okay with it, it’s not a big deal, anyway.”

 

Castiel is taken aback by the level of trust Claire has in this boy she met the other day. But he knows they met at the GSA, and that is maybe the only reason Castiel doesn’t dislike the guy completely; at least he’s not a homophobe.

 

He grimaces. “Do you trust him this much? I don’t want you to be bullied at school because of this.”

 

“Don’t worry, Dad. You worry too much.” Claire says, smiling. “I’m all right. I can take care of myself.”

 

Castiel is not in the closet. That would go against everything he believes in. All his family, all his friends and colleagues at work know he’s gay. Claire’s friends also know, and nobody gives him any trouble. Like Claire said, it’s not a big deal. It’s the twenty-first century. Things have changed. Lawrence is a college town, with open-minded people.

 

Castiel is a very private person, and he can count the number of relationships he’s had in one hand. But he can’t help being worried. If this guy or anyone else hurts Claire because of him, he will –

 

“Daaad, I can hear you thinking. Stop!” Claire says, smiling. “It’s all right, okay? Ben is an all right guy. His only problem is that he’s not madly in love with me,” she tries to joke.

 

They say words have power, so you need to be careful before sending them out into the world. But Castiel loves Claire too much, and he wants her to be happy more than anything. If she wants this Ben guy, Castiel will be there with advice, encouragement and support. Even if he doesn’t want her to date just yet. Even if he wants her to himself a little bit more, before college, before she grows up.

 

He smiles at her reassuringly. “He’ll fall for you, sweetheart. Just give him time. You’re perfect.”

 

Words have power, indeed. Two months later, Ben asks Claire to be his girlfriend. And, to Castiel’s worry, she says yes.

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

_Amelia was Castiel’s best friend in college, even though she was older and majoring in Art. She was tiny, blond and beautiful, and she looked fierce and determined, like she didn’t take shit from anyone. She lived with her boyfriend, Jimmy, a hippie guy, in an apartment near Campus. One day, Jimmy woke up, went to work, and was never seen again. To make matters worse. Amelia found out she was pregnant, and her family severed all ties with her because of it._

_Castiel was there for her, the same way she had been there for him when he needed the most. Because Amelia didn’t know, but she had saved Castiel’s life more than once. So he took her out, trying to cheer her up. He took her to the doctor, to the ultrasound, to the nutritionist. He helped her chose the baby’s name._

_When the baby kicked for the first time, Castiel was there. Amelia smiled for the first time after Jimmy left. They hugged each other and jumped and shouted so much that the downstairs neighbor knocked on their door demanding they stopped. When her belly started to grow, they redecorated the small apartment, turned part of the bedroom into a nursery, bought a crib, bought baby clothes. Castiel accepted Amelia’s invitation to be Claire’s godfather. They made plans. They were as happy as two broken hearted friends could be._

_Amelia’s headaches started when she was six months pregnant. A trip to the doctor and she was diagnosed with a very aggressive brain tumor. It was imperative that she started chemotherapy if she wanted a chance at survival. Waiting until the baby was born was not an option, because the tumor wouldn’t wait. But Amelia refused to terminate the pregnancy and said she would have the baby no matter what. “I can’t kill Jimmy’s baby. She’s all I have.”_

_Castiel was devastated, but he supported her decision. Amelia had no one else in the world, but she had him, and he vowed to be there for her until the end. He took time out from college to help her, even though she didn’t want him to. She was his best friend, he loved like the sister he never had. He would jump off a bridge for her if she asked._

_By the time the baby was due, her headaches were so strong she fainted sometimes. Amelia knew she wouldn’t survive this. Castiel started to panic too, knowing that, if she died, the baby would be taken to adoption, since Castiel wasn’t family. Or worse, the baby would go to Amelia’s family, and they didn’t deserve to keep her. So, he did the only thing he could think of: he asked Amelia to marry him, and to let him register the baby as his. She said yes._

_Claire Amelia Novak was born two days after Castiel and Amelia got married, and one exact week before her mother died. Amelia died in her sleep, with baby Claire in her arms, safe and healthy, the way she wanted._

_Castiel was a single father at twenty. He never regretted it, not even for a second._

 

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

 

“Mr. Novak”, the boy says as he extends his right hand for him to shake, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir.”

 

Castiel takes it, trying to hide his reluctance. Behind the boy, Claire looks at Castiel, alarmed, and it’s her face that makes him force a smile on his own face and shake the offered hand firmly. “Hello, Ben. Claire talks a lot about you.”

 

“I hope she says nice things about me,” Ben says, laughing nervously.

 

“Of course,” Castiel nods, looking at Claire again. She looks more relaxed now, but only a little. “Um… do you want something to drink?” he asks, because what do you say to your daughter’s first boyfriend the first time you see the guy?

 

“Uh… okay, I – it’s really hot outside,” Ben stammers, and Claire is suddenly by his side, holding his hand and squeezing it.

 

Castiel tries not to run to the kitchen, because, God, Claire was holding the boy’s hand with _familiarity_ , and he definitely doesn’t want to see it right now, at least not until he’s completely used to the idea. It’s still too recent, the shocking reality that time has passed faster than Castiel would have liked. It seems like yesterday she was coming home from school with a scraped knee and tears running down her face. Now Claire is sixteen and has a boyfriend. Someone whose hand she’s holding now. Someone whom she probably kisses.

 

Shaking his head, he yanks the fridge door open a little too loudly and grabs the first thing he sees, which happens to be a bottle of the expensive beer he buys for whenever Gabriel visits. He knows he’s freaking out, and he knows it’s silly, but he can’t help it. He can’t stop thinking about how things are going to be different now. Claire will probably have no more time for their ‘movie nights’, with popcorn, ice cream and one of the many DVDs she has in her bedroom. She’ll go out with Ben on ‘dates’ now. And Castiel will stay home biting his nails until she gets back.

 

He can hear them whispering in the living room. Shit. Castiel left them alone, didn’t he? Ben is probably trying to kiss Castiel’s baby right now, and –

 

He doesn’t understand how the bottle ends up on the floor, shattered, and he looks helplessly at the mess he made. Claire and Ben come running, and her expression is alarmed once again.

 

“Dad? What - ?” Claire starts.

 

“- happened, Mr. Novak? Are you all right?” Ben finishes.

 

Ugh. They even finish each other’s sentences. Isn’t that supposed to come much later in a relationship? And she’s still holding Ben’s hand.

 

“I think we’re a little too young to have beer, Dad,” she says, when she finally sees the bottle on the floor.

 

It’s not that Castiel is jealous. Well, _he is_ , but that’s not the point. The thing is that it has always been just the two of them: Castiel and Claire, united against the world. He knows he’s probably making a fool of himself, but Claire is the most precious gift life has given him, and he needs to take care of her. He’s her father. He raised her alone, with the occasional help from a relative, and he’s proud of the good job he has done. Claire is a great girl, responsible, intelligent, and compassionate. Any boy is lucky to have her.

 

He only realizes he said all that out loud when he hears Claire’s voice, an embarrassed “Daaad…!” and he sees how red her cheeks are.

 

He doesn’t have time to fell awkward, though, because Ben smiles at him and says, “I understand, Mr. Novak. I’m an only child too. I think Mom is a little jealous of Claire, just like you. I talk about her all the time. But, as you said, Claire is so great that Mom won’t have other choice but to love her too.”

 

With that, Ben promptly kneels on the floor and starts picking up the broken glass, while Claire looks at him with a huge grin on her face, like he’s just hung the moon.

 

Uh. The boy is all right, Castiel thinks. At least it’s clear that he’s completely in love with her.

 

After that, the awkwardness seems to vanish. Castiel orders pizza and they end up watching ‘Thor’ on Netflix. Ben and Castiel spend all the time commenting and complaining about how boring the film is, and if Claire wanted to watch super heroes they should just watch ‘The Avengers’ because it’s much better. Claire shuts them up with a glare, and says that she loves Chris Hemsworth, so if they’re not happy, they can just leave.

 

When they realize it’s already nine, Ben says he needs to go home, and Castiel remembers he still has a few articles to read. He gets up, meaning to walk Ben to the door, but then he remembers that Claire is the one who gets to do that. He tries not to think about them kissing on his front porch and hopes Mrs. Visyak, the old nosy neighbor, doesn’t see them.

 

“Goodbye, Ben,” he says, and this time the smile comes easily to his lips. Ben is a good boy. Castiel decides he likes him. “I’m going to my office, I still have some work to do.”

 

“I had a great time, Mr. Novak,” Ben says, and his smile is sincere.

 

“Me too.” Castiel turns to go, but then he changes his mind. “Uh… Ben?”

 

Ben looks at him, his eyes wide and expectant. “Yes?”

 

Castiel is the father. Right? So, he’s supposed to give Ben the ‘don’t-you-hurt-my-daughter’ speech; he decides to say something intelligent and articulate, just to show the boy who deals the cards around here. What he ends up saying is, “You better be good to her. I have a gun. In the basement. Just so you know.”

 

“Dad!” Claire says, horrified, “You don’t! Ben, he doesn’t!” She pushes Ben to the door. “Dad, you’re impossible, I swear – “

 

Ben’s laughing loudly while Claire pushes him across the living room.

 

Castiel raises an eyebrow. It seems he wasn’t even a little bit intimidating. But then, who has a gun in the freaking _basement_ , of all places? But afterwards, he can’s shake Ben’s loud and carefree laugh off his head. It reminds him of someone. He just can’t remember whom.

 

 

 TBC

 


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

 

“Come on, Sam, throw the freaking snowball!” Gabriel shouts from the other side of the backyard. “Let’s show these two who’s the boss!”

“Shut up, Gabe!” Samandriel shouts back. “I’m trying to concentrate here!”

“Claire, don’t let Sam catch you!” Ben shouts.

Claire laughs and runs to Gabe, trying to hide behind him. “Don’t worry, Ben, these old guys are no match for us!”

“Hey!” Samandriel says, indignantly. “I’m younger than your dad!”

Claire looks at Castiel and mouths ‘sorry’, shrugging a little. He smiles back. Her cheeks are red from running and she looks so happy that his heart melts a little.

It’s Sunday afternoon. They just had a wonderful lunch – homemade burgers, Castiel’s favorite – followed by three episodes of Daredevil on Netflix. Then the kids – and the term includes not only Ben and Claire, but also Samandriel and Gabriel – decided to have a snowball fight in the backyard. It snowed the previous day and a layer of very white snow covers everything.

Castiel didn’t join the fight, preferring to watch them. He’s sitting on the porch with a cup of hot chocolate and a book. It’s cold, but he wants to watch the people that matter to him the most having fun. He’s not very fond of games; he never knows what to do or where to run to, and his team ends up losing because he’s always second-guessing his moves. He prefers to run – which he does almost every night after work, to stay in shape - listening to his favorite songs and planning his surgeries for the rest of the week.

He doesn’t work on Sundays. The residents take care of the patients, so he can have at least an entire day for himself and his family. On Saturdays he’s usually at the hospital in the mornings, helping the interns with the rounds and seeing the patients he operated on during the week. But he always has lunch with Claire, and spends the rest of the day at home. Reading and studying, that’s true, but at least he’s on his favorite armchair.

Well, yesterday, after work, he had lunch with Claire and Ben. It’s been almost a month since they started dating, and Ben turned into a permanent fixture in Castiel’s home. He comes almost every night, after diner, as if he and Claire hadn’t already seen each other at school. They sit on the porch and talk, holding hands. Castiel thinks it’s cute. In fact, Ben holds Claire’s hand whenever she’s close. Castiel likes that. It’s always the small things that show how much a person cares, not big declarations of love.

Castiel knows that better than anyone; how empty declarations of love can be if actions tell a different story.

He sighs. Here he is, reminiscing again. He has been doing that a lot, lately. Maybe is the realization that his daughter, his baby girl, is growing up. Parents tend to do that, and especially because for Castiel, who is a single parent, Claire is his whole world. So… maybe he does that a lot more than others.

Anyway, it’s good to see Claire happy. She is delighted by Ben’s constant presence. He is polite, attentive and intelligent. The image of bad boy Castiel had of him is almost gone, because really, Claire could have chosen someone so much worse. Castiel is relieved, in fact. And he and Ben get along fine, so far. They share a love for all things sci-fi, so they always have something to talk about, when they’re not talking about Claire – because she’s their favorite subject.

But sometimes he worries that Ben’s parents don’t seem to care that he’s at the Novak’s all the time. That, and the fact that Castiel still hasn’t met them, worries him. Ben seems to be a good boy. But Claire is Castiel’s only daughter, and it would be good to at least know the parents of the guy who gets to kiss her – and here Castiel cringes at the mere thought of his baby kissing someone.

He’s still lost in thought when a snowball hits him square on the face.

“Gabe!” Samandriel shouts. “Cas is not playing!”

“I know, but we need reinforcements!” Gabriel starts pulling Castiel’s hand. “Come on, Cas, we need you, bro!”

“That’s cheating!” Claire says. “Dad, that’s cheating!”

Beside her, Ben is laughing so hard that his face is red. And Castiel has a déjà vu again, like he’s heard that laughter before, like he’s seen that smile.

 

SPN SPN SPN SPN

 

“Dr. Novak, your patient is ready.”

“Okay, Madison, tell Dr. Masters I’m on my way.”

Castiel follows the nurse out of radiology and walks into the break room, where the interns are studying, and tells them to follow him. The surgery he’s about to perform is very complex. A twenty-nine year old man had a motorcycle accident and has a bilateral hip fracture. He’ll need an intramedullary nail on both sides. It will be a long day.

Castiel works in the University of Kansas Hospital, also known as KU Med. It’s the region’s only verified Level 1 Trauma Center, so almost all of his patients come from accidents.

He is an Orthopedic Surgeon, and has a fellowship in Adult Reconstructive Surgery. He works at the hospital not only as a surgeon, but also as an assistant professor. Besides patient care, research and teaching, he’s frequently on call coverage at the Trauma Center.

Even though he considers himself clumsy and socially inapt, when he’s in the operating room, or when he’s teaching, everything changes. He’s always sure of what he’s doing and he feels at home. He’s capable of spending hours talking about fractures, reconstruction of bones, happy to give people their movements back, or the simple ability to walk or stand. He loves his job. It’s demanding, he knows, but he worked very hard to get to this point in his career, especially while having to raise a kid by himself, and he’s proud of what he’s made of his life so far.

Meg doesn’t agree with him.

“You need to get out more, Clarence,” She says, while they put on gloves. She’s an assistant professor too, works in Orthopedics, and she’s one of his best friends. “You’re only what, thirty six?” she asks, and goes on when he nods. “See? To young to live like a monk.”

“I do not live like a monk, Meg!” he complains. “And this in neither the time nor the place to talk about this.”

“Come on, the interns are behind the glass, no one’s gonna hear us. When was the last time you got laid?”

Castiel eyes the nurse warily. Cole keeps arranging the instruments over the mayo table and only smirks lightly. He’s been working with Castiel and Meg for a long time, and is more than used to their talks. He’s a good man, competent and discrete. Castiel knows he won’t comment what he hears in the OR with the other nurses. Still, they’re in their work place, it feels inadequate to talk about –

“Hello, darlings!” says Balthazar, the anesthesiologist, pushing a gurney with the patient on it, inside the room.

“Speaking of the devil…” Meg murmurs, smirking.

Castiel rolls his eyes. He and Balthazar didn’t work. How could they, when the British doctor flirts with everything that moves, and then some? It’s already been three years since they broke up – not that you can call the two months they spent together a relationship. Castiel was just tired of being alone, and Balthazar was funny. But still, he was the last steady partner Castiel had. Not that Castiel sleeps around, no. He has a daughter, for Christ’s sake. And a reputation. He’s a serious person. But he’s not a saint, either. So, here and there, he goes out on a date with a guy. He has sex with the guy, more often than not. And he usually comes home feeling empty and lonely, sure that he’ll never call the guy again. And he never does.

“Cassie, looking good today!” Balthazar flirts, more out of habit than anything else. He and Castiel remained friends. Sort of.

“I look exactly the same every day, Balthazar.”

The blond doctor raises his eyebrows. “Is it me or our dear Cassie is annoyed today?” he asks Meg.

“Isn’t he always?” Meg says, winking and blowing Castiel a kiss.

Castiel knows she means well. But every time she mentions that he’s still single, he feels… uncomfortable. A failure. The clock is ticking; he’s not getting any younger… Claire is growing up… and he still hasn’t found anyone he wants to spend his life with. By now, he doubts he ever will. His work and his daughter take all his time; there wouldn’t be any space in his life for anyone else. At least this is what he tells himself.

Besides, love is something very hard to find. He once thought he did, but it didn’t work, maybe because he was very young and naïve. Then, there was Amelia, and Claire, and the family he never thought he would have. It never crossed his mind that she would die so young and he would be alone again.

“You seem stressed, Cassie,” Balthazar says, putting on his gloves. “Whenever you’re ready to relieve all this pent up tension, let me know, and I’ll be happy to help you.”

Castiel eyes the patient, warily, but the man has his eyes closed, and there is no indication that he’s hearing the other doctors teasing his surgeon. He sighs. “Ugh, can’t you just shut up?” Castiel asks. “Cole, is everything ready?”

“Yeah, doc. We’re good to go.”

“So, please, Dr. Masters, Dr. Angelus, could we start the surgery?” He almost grits his teeth.

Balthazar laughs. “Cassie, my friend, maybe you don’t need me, after all. You already have a stick up your ass.”

Castiel sighs again. “Shut up, Balthazar. We have work to do.” It’s going to be a long day, indeed.

 

SPN SPN SPN SPN

 

Another week, another Friday night, Castiel is anxious to go home, take a shower and sleep. He’s been in the operating room since noon, and it’s past seven PM. He’s tired, he’s stressed, he’s hungry. It’ll be good to go home and rest.

As soon as he passes the front door, he hears laughter. Claire and Ben, of course. They are laughing so hard that Castiel starts smiling without even knowing the reason.

“Claire?” he calls.

But it’s Hester, the cleaning lady, who comes to greet him. “Mr. Novak, this is unacceptable!”

Clare comes from the kitchen too, her face red from laughing, her hair also red… wait. Red?

Only then he realizes that Claire has pasta sauce on her clothes, her hair, her face. Ben is right beside her, in a similar state. “I was trying to teach Ben how to cook, Dad!” she laughs.

Ben shrugs helplessly. “Apparently, I’m a lost cause.”

“Mr. Novak, you should see the state of the kitchen!” Hester says, indignantly. “There’s paste sauce on the ceiling! The ceiling!”

Castiel chuckles. So much for his quiet night at home, uh? “Hester, would you please be so kind and clean the mess my daughter made? We promise it won’t happen again.”

“It’s almost eight, Mr. Novak. I don’t want to get home late, the city can be very dangerous at night!” Hester can be considered… severe, on her best days. But she leaves the house spotless and Castiel trusts her; she’s been working for him for more than ten years.

“Don’t worry, I’ll call you a taxi, and I’ll pay you an extra amount for the trouble.”

Hester grumbles, but nods in agreement and goes to the kitchen.

Claire and Ben are looking at Castiel sheepishly, covered in red sauce. “I was thinking we could order a pizza?’ she says, trying not to burst out laughing again.

He rolls his eyes. “All right. But first, you two, go and take a shower. Ben, you come with me, I think I have some clothes for you to change into.

Ben follows him upstairs, and Castiel can feel how embarrassed he is. “I’m sorry for the mess, really,” he says. “I swear I thought Claire had put the lid on the blender before switching it on.”

“It’s okay. It happens.”

“Um… actually, I wanted to talk to you, sir.”

“Sure, Ben. About what?” They’re already in Castiel’s room and he opens his dresser to look for an old pair of jeans and t-shirt.

Ben takes a deep breath. “It’s my dad, sir. He’s been shot.”

“Oh my God, Ben!” Castiel almost drops the jeans he’s holding. “Are – are you all right? Is he all right?”

Ben shifts nervously on the his feet. “He’s, um… he’s fine now. Mostly. He works for the United Nations, he’s been in Mali – it’s in Africa – for a couple of years now. Last week his convoy was ambushed and he was shot. In the leg.”

Castiel doesn’t know what to say. “Oh. Well, huh… good thing the shot did not hit any major organ.”

Ben nods. “He called from the base yesterday; said the bullet got a big artery and he lost a lot of blood; almost lost his leg. But he’s out of the woods now. And… he’s coming home in a few days, so we can take care of him, you know? They’re just waiting for him to get better, so he can be removed. It’s a long way from Mali to Lawrence.”

Castiel frowns, puzzled. “Oh. So he’s staying with you? I thought your parents are divorced?” He widens his eyes, immediately realizing his question. “I’m sorry, Ben. It’s not my business. I didn’t mean to pry.”

Ben chuckles. “It’s alright, sir. My dad was born here. He and Mom moved to California when they got married. He’ll need a place to stay and rest, and even if his brother still lives in California, Uncle Sam works all the time, so Dad would be mostly alone. But his parents still live here, so he’s going to stay with them for a while. It’s a good thing, because I’m living here too and… we can hang out more, you know?”

“It must be difficult to stay away from him so much, given his job,” Castiel says cautiously.

“I’m used to it,” Ben says, shrugging. “He’s been working for the UN since I was little. I’m kinda… used to not living with him.”

Castiel nods, unable to find anything to say. He and Ben talk a lot, but it’s the first time Ben talks about his father. He wonders where Ben is going with this, but hey, maybe he needs someone to talk to about his dad, other than his mother. He has no idea if Ben’s parents even talk to each other. Many couples don’t, after a break up.

“But every time he comes home we spend a lot of time together,” Ben continues. “Quality is more important than quantity, you know?”

Castiel agrees, nodding. “Still, it must be hard.”

“It is. I mean, he said that he doesn’t take part in direct combats too much. But… Mali must be a dangerous place.”

“I have to agree with you,” Castiel says. “It really is.”

“And… um…” Ben’s face crumples a little. “Dad said the doctors are afraid he won’t walk again, because his leg is busted. He was shot close to the knee, I think he lost his kneecap.”

“Well, this is a really serious condition, because then the knee can’t move, and it can’t take any weight either.”

Ben nods. “The doctors said there’s nothing they can do for him. And he’s just…

“Worried?” Castiel finishes.

Ben smiles a little. “I’m worried. He’s more like… pissed off. He said he keeps trying to get up, said he’s not an invalid, but he’s tired of the crutches and sometimes he wants to get up without them… and yesterday he fell on his butt because he didn’t use them.”

Castiel arches his eyebrows. “He seems to be a very stubborn person, because he shouldn’t, under any circumstances, try to walk.”

“That’s what I told him. But, sir, maybe if he heard it from a specialist…”

Castiel understood, then, what Ben wanted. “You want me to take a look at his leg?” he offered.

Ben smiled, his eyes shining with hope. “Yes, sir! I was… I didn't want to ask. I, um… I hope I’m not bothering you, but… Claire said you’re the best orthopedic surgeon in the world!”

Castiel chuckles. “I guess Claire is a little biased, don’t you think? I’m sure there are many, many doctors a lot better than me. But, well, I specialize in reconstructive surgery, and… your dad’s case seems to be in my field of expertise.”

“So you can help him?” Ben asked anxiously.

“Well, I’m not sure about that, because I haven’t seen his leg yet. But I promise to examine him and, if there’s anything I can do, I’ll do my best.”

“Thank you so much, Mr. Novak.”

“When he arrives in Lawrence, let me know and we’ll set an appointment for him at the hospital, okay?”

 

SPN SPN SPN

  
After diner, Ben and Claire are doing the dishes, when the bell rings. Ben comes running from the kitchen, with his hands full of suds. “It must be my mom, she said she would pick me up today.”

“I’ll get it,” Castiel says, getting up from his favorite armchair. It will be good to meet Ben’s mother.

“Hello, I’m Lisa, Ben’s mother,” says the beautiful brunette as soon as Castiel opens the door.

“Lisa? Lisa Braeden?” Castiel says.

She frowns a little, almost as if she doesn’t recognizes him. But then, “Castiel?” her eyes widen almost comically.

He nods. “Yes, it’s me.” For a few seconds, Castiel forgets everything, especially his manners. There are faint alarm bells ringing in is ears, like announcing an imminent disaster. He takes a deep breath to will them away. “Uh… do you want to come in?”

“Sure, um, of course,” Lisa says. She seems to be a little shaken, but she moves graciously. She’s wearing a heavy winter coat that Castiel hurries to help her take off. When she does, he can see that her outfit is elegant, like her. She looks really nice, her long, dark hair shining and framing her beautiful face, where dark eyes try to cover the fact that she’s not comfortable with this meeting.

Castiel can’t say he’s very comfortable himself.

“So, you’re Claire’s father,” she says. “I met her the other day. Lovely girl.” Lisa’s voice is soft and her tone is pleasant, but her eyes are guarded, as if assessing an enemy.

And he is, isn’t he? Or better, he was. He smiles, because he can’t not, when talking about his daughter. “Thank you. Ben is a great boy too.”

“Thank you,” she says, politely. “So, you were married?” She asks, barely containing herself. “I wouldn’t have guessed,” she lets escape, with a little frown.

“I, uh… I’m a widow, actually. Amelia died when Claire was a baby.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay; it’s been a long time.”

“I… I thought you lived in Boston.”

It’s Castiel’s turn to frown. Did Lisa, of all people, worried about his life? He can’t imagine why, since she got everything she wanted, while he got nothing. “I always intended to come back. My family lives here.”

“Oh. I never imagined that I would see you again.” She sounds upset, but in a defeated way. He’s not sure he understands. “Have you been in contact with De–“

“Mom!” Ben says, coming towards them with Claire and saving Castiel from answering Lisa. He knows what she’s dying to ask and, even if the answer is a big no, he refuses to talk about it.

Lisa blinks, as if waking up from a daze. “Hey, darling, let’s go home?”

“Okay, let me get my coat,” Ben says, turning to Claire to say goodbye.

“I’ll see you around,” Lisa gives Castiel a cold smile, avoiding his eyes.

“Yes, I guess you will,” he forces a smile too, and pulls Claire to him, his arm around her waist, more for moral support than to really hold her. He watches Lisa and Ben getting inside their car, still holding Claire close, a sudden wave of sadness coming over him.

“What’s Ben’s last name, Claire?” he finally asks, although he already knows the answer.

“Winchester,” she answers, smiling. But, seeing his serious expression, she stops. “Dad? Are you okay?” Claire’s concern is clear in her voice.

“Sure, baby,” he lies, because what can he say? He doesn’t want to talk about Lisa Braeden. Or Dean Winchester. He never will.

 

SPN SPN SPN

_Castiel opens the door and Dean’s there, handsome as ever, looking at him, with his hands in his pockets. Except Dean’s face tells him that he would rather be anywhere but here, and Castiel frowns, because he expects his boyfriend to be ecstatic, like he is._

_Tomorrow is going to be a big day. They will go together to Boston, to college. Castiel is almost done packing. They have everything planned: places to stay at, plane tickets already bought. Tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of their lives together. Castiel can barely wait._

_Only, Dean looks anything but happy._

_Castiel tries to kiss him, but Dean holds him at arm’s length. “We need to talk, Cas,” he says, and his expression is guarded, almost blank._

_Castiel can only nod, and he turns, walking to his bedroom, feeling Dean behind him. There’s a fear deep in his gut, something that he hasn’t felt since his father died. He knows he’s not going to like this conversation one bit._

_“What happened?” Castiel asks, as soon as they reach his bedroom and Dean closes the door behind him._

_Dean’s face goes suddenly very pale, and Castiel notices the almost purple bags under his eyes. He looks like shit. “I need to tell you something.”_

_Castiel sits down, because his legs feel suddenly weak. “Okay,” he says, his voice trembling._

_“I’m not going to Boston with you.”_

_“What?” Castiel yells. “You’re kidding right?”_

_“No, I’m not,” Dean’s face is serious._

_“Dean, stop it. This is not funny at all.”_

_“Dammit, Cas, I told you, I’m not kidding!” Dean loses his patience and runs his hands through his hair. “I’m not going to Boston, that’s all.”_

_“B- but…” Castiel can feel tears forming, and his eyes burn with the effort to keep them at bay. “Why?”_

_Dean’s breath hitches, and he pales even more. “Because – because I don’t want to. I thought I did, but really, I don’t.”_

_Castiel wants to pinch himself, he must be having a nightmare, that’s the only explanation. Yesterday they spent the day together, laughing, kissing, and planning their future. No one changes that much in such a short time. “I don’t believe you.”_

_“Well, you should. Um… something came up, uh… Lisa came back, and I realized I- I like her. And– and I want to go to California, where she lives and– and … I don’t know, I’m not thinking about college anymore, all I know is that I’m going to Cali.”_

_“B- But you said you don’t love her.”_

_“I know what I said. But I– I want to try being with her now.”_

_“What about our plans?”_

_Dean loses his patience. “Fuck our plans, Cas! I don’t want them anymore, okay? You can go alone a– and enjoy college and be a big, fancy doctor and f- forget you ever met me!”_

_Castiel feels a wave of desperation so strong it leaves him dizzy. “Dean, don’t do that, please. There’s got to be something going on. Tell me what happened!”_

_“There’s something going on, all right. I changed my mind, I’m t- too young to get s- serious with someone, and I want to enjoy my freedom. That’s it.”_

_Castiel’s desperation turns into anger. “Freedom? With Lisa? What kind of freedom is that? Stop lying to me and tell me what’s really going on here!”_

_Dean’s expression hardens even more. “Okay, then. You want the truth?” He looks at the floor, as if looking at Castiel is unpleasant. “Look, Cas, this being bisexual thing…is too much, you know? It’s too hard to deal with. I d- don’t want it anymore. I don’t need this… this complication in my life. My dad is right; everybody thinks I’m gay ‘cause I’m with you. Being straight is easy and I like girls well enough. You’re too intense, Cas... too much to deal with. I just… I can’t. That’s it.”_

_Castiel feels as if he’s just been slapped. A few tears escape his control then. This can’t be happening, it can’t. “What about me?”_

_“You move on,” Dean still doesn’t look him in the eyes. “And please, stop crying, don’t be a baby.”_

_“But you said you loved me,” Castiel tries one more time._

_“Obviously I don’t, or I wouldn’t be running to the other side of the country.”_

_Castiel feels cold seeping into his chest. He’s never seen Dean like this. Dean’s never said something so hurtful to him before. Suddenly, he doesn’t want to try to understand. He just wants Dean to leave._

_“Get out, Dean.” Castiel’s had enough. “Get out.”_

_Dean opens his mouth, as if he wants to say something more, but all he says is, “Right.” He walks to the door and puts his hand on the doorknob, his back to Castiel. He stops then, and turns his head a little. “I’m sorry, Cas. Have a good life.”_

_Castiel isn’t even aware of Dean leaving. He starts crying so hard his entire being feels ripped to shreds. He’s going down, down, drowning, and he doesn’t think he’ll breathe ever again._

_…_

_That’s the last time he sees Dean Winchester._

_When Gabriel visits him in Boston, months later, he gives Castiel a crumpled envelope. “It’s from Dean,” he says. “Sam gave it to me a couple of weeks ago. I thought it would be better if I gave it to you in person.”_

_Castiel wants to tear the envelope in pieces, but he doesn’t. “Thanks, Gabe,” he says, putting it in his pocket_.

 

SPN SPN SPN SPN

 

He never opened the letter. He never threw it out either. It’s hidden in a shoebox in the attic. Castiel has no idea why he kept it. But he has no intention of opening it, ever.

He’s over Dean. He is. A long time has passed, more than fifteen years. He’s over him. But every time he thinks of him, it feels like there’s a hand squeezing his heart. He remembers how happy he was, how happy they were. Well, apparently, Dean was not that happy, right?

Everyone has a first love and a first heartbreak. Castiel is no different. He was devastated when it happened, he thought he would die, but he didn’t. The sun still came out the next day, and the next, and the next. Life went on. A lot has changed. Of course, once in a while he wondered about Dean, about his life. But he never wanted to see him, not after everything Dean said. Castiel is an adult now, and what’s in the past should remain in the past.

Clearly things didn’t go well between Dean and Lisa, because they’re divorced. And Castiel feels really stupid because he’d never asked the Ben’s last name before, and only now he realizes that all the dejà vu he felt when he looked at the boy was really because he’s Dean’s kid and, if he doesn’t look like his father, he has the same posture and mannerisms.

He can’t help thinking, what a cruel twist of fate; Dean’s son is dating Claire. And today, before he was aware of this little detail, Castiel promised the boy he would treat his father. This will complicate everything, because now he will have to see, talk, and probably more than once examine Dean Winchester. The guy who broke his heart. The guy he thought he would never see again.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

 

Three weeks later, Claire corners him in his study while he’s trying very hard to read a book, but his eyes keep closing on their own volition. He’s really tired today.

“Dad?”

“Mmmm?”

“You remember that you promised to take a look at Mr. Winchester’s leg, don’t you?”

And just like that, Castiel is not sleepy anymore. He blinks several times and rubs his eyes with one hand, trying to delay his answer. “Uh…”

But Claire is nothing but insistent, and she puts her hands on her hips, sighing. “Daaad… you promised. Come on.”

“Sure, baby,” Castiel says, “I told Ben to let me know when his father gets to Lawrence.”

“He already did, Dad. Last week.”

“Oh.”

“And I was wondering when will you have time to see him.”

“Uh… I don’t know, Claire, I have several surgeries scheduled for this week and the next one, because one of the surgeons is on vacation and- “

“You’re not trying to escape, are you?” she asks, frowning a little. “Ben is really anxious, because his dad already gave up on walking, and he doesn’t even want to leave home. His leg’s pretty bad, Dad. I haven’t seen it without the bandages, but it looks… swollen. And it hurts a lot, because he’s always grimacing and taking painkillers.”

The thought of Dean – that used to be larger than life, smiling all the time, talking loud and couldn’t stand still – depressed, not being able to walk, with his leg in constant pain, made something clench inside Castiel’s chest. Sure, Dean had been an asshole to him in the past, but that’s what it was: the past. And, if things hadn’t happened the way they did, Castiel wouldn’t have Claire.

He sighs, giving up. Now he feels like he has to help Dean. First, because without any false modesty, he’s a damn good orthopedic surgeon. Second, because Ben asked, and helping Ben will make Claire happy, and she is Castiel’s world. And third, well… when he thinks of the boy Dean was, so many years ago, he can’t stop himself from wanting to help him.

“Tell Ben to take his father to the hospital at three, tomorrow. Tell him to look for Hannah; she will take them to my office.”

Claire kisses his cheek. “You’re the best, Dad!”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Castiel rolls his eyes, smiling. But his heart is still feeling strange, almost out of place, even later, when he goes to sleep.

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

_Dean Winchester was one of the most popular guys of Lawrence High School. When Castiel saw him, on the first day of freshmen year, he thought that Dean was the most amazing thing he had ever seen. Dean wore a leather jacket, a little big for him at the beginning, but as he grew up, he filled the jacket perfectly. At seventeen, on senior year, Dean had almost turned into a prince, in Castiel’s eyes. He had blond hair, green eyes, well toned body, golden skin – Castiel may or may not have discretely watched from the bleachers when Dean took off his shirt after a game – and oh, the freckles: beautiful freckles adorning his nose, cheeks and shoulders. To Castiel, he was wonderful._

_Castiel Novak was the opposite. He was easy on the eyes, with his slim frame, dark brown hair and blue eyes. But being a stereotypical nerd, he was extremely introverted and, by extension, unable to respond appropriately in conversation. Add to that, the fact that he was clumsy, wore glasses, hated sports and dressed like an old man – slacks, button downs, dress shoes, sometimes a vest or a tie. He usually kept to himself, and spent his lunch breaks in the library, reading or studying. Oh! Another thing: Castiel was gay._

_And, because nothing for him was ever simple, he had a crush on the very much straight Dean Winchester. But Dean and his girlfriend, Lisa Braeden, were one of the most popular couples of Lawrence High School. They’d been together since freshman year. They broke up several times during the school year, but they always made up later. Both were extremely good looking and intelligent, the typical American golden couple._

_Castiel and Dean rarely talked. Sure, they knew each other; the school wasn’t so big, after all. They had been in the same class several times through high school years, had even been paired for a presentation a couple of times. Whenever they crossed paths in the corridors, Dean would give him a half-smile and say “how ya doing, Cas?” But that was all, because Dean and Castiel were from different worlds. At school, Dean was royalty and Castiel was… nobody._

_He didn’t mind, though. He was relatively all right. He wasn’t bullied at school – which was practically a miracle – and his family was great. His Mom, Dad and brothers Gabriel and Samandriel – and yes, all of them had angel names – knew he was gay and they didn’t mind. He didn’t even remember coming out to them, it was something that was just there, no big deal for anyone, just another thing that made him Castiel, the middle son of Naomi and Michael Novak._

_Castiel’s crush on Dean was huge. He hated to feel like that about someone that barely knew he existed, but he couldn’t help it. Dean was handsome, kind and intelligent. Completely out of Castiel’s league. Castiel would have never guessed that one day he would be able to call the handsome boy his boyfriend_.

 

SPN SPN SPN SPN

 

“Dr. Novak, your three o’clock patient is here,” Castiel’s secretary says through the intercom.

“Send him in, please.”

Castiel is calm; he swears he is. This isn’t a big deal; it’s a medical consultation like any other. Why are his palms sweating, then? He runs his hands through his hair, trying to look more presentable, even though he knows it’s useless, because his hair seems to have a will of its own. He feels stupid, because no one cares how he looks, especially now.

The door opens, and Dean’s strong voice is the first thing Castiel hears. “Dammit, Ben, I don’t need help!” Only then Ben walks in, pushing a very annoyed Dean in a wheelchair.

“The lady said it’s the hospital’s policy, Dad. And yes, you need help, you can’t walk, and that’s exactly why we’re here.” Ben sounds exasperated. “Hi, Dr. Novak,” the boy says to Castiel, looking apologetic.

Dean raises his head, his eyes suddenly wide. He looks at Castiel as if he’s just seen a ghost. “Cas?” he says, after a couple of seconds.

Castiel’s heart starts beating fast, God knows why. “Hello, Dean. Ben.”

“I didn’t know it was you.” Dean is still looking at him with wide eyes.

“Well, I…” Castiel forces himself to talk, because his throat seems closed at the moment. Dean looks even more handsome than he did when Castiel last saw him. He’s wearing a t-shirt and Castiel can see his muscular arms and broad chest. His hair is short, in military style. His tanned skin has even more freckles than before, and his eyes seem greener than Castiel remembers. “Ben asked me to take a look at your leg,” he finally blurts out.

Ben raises his eyebrows. “You know each other?”

Dean looks at Ben as if he had forgotten his son was there with them. He opens his mouth to say something, but seems unable to speak, and he looks at Castiel again, waiting.

“We went to school together,” Castiel explains, avoiding Dean’s eyes.

“Wow!” Ben says, smiling, oblivious to the tension in the room. “How cool is it that I’m dating your friend’s daughter, Dad?”

“Um, yeah, it’s… very cool, son.” Dean says at last, and he finally stops looking at Castiel. “It’s just… it was a surprise.”

“If I didn’t have to trick you into coming to the hospital, Dad, I would have told you the doctor’s name, and you’d have known it was your friend,” Ben deadpans. “But you’re stubborn, so…”

“Did you know?” Dean asks, frowning. ”That I was coming?”

Castiel gives a short nod. “Yes.”

Dean raises his eyebrows, as if he doesn’t believe Castiel is going to treat him. “Um… okay, then.”

“Uh… so, can I examine your leg?” Castiel asks, trying to act professional.

Ben smiles. “Sure, that’s why we came!”

“Yeah, why not?” Dean mumbles.

Castiel points to the adjoining cubicle, the examination room. “If you’ll follow me, please.”

Ben tries to help Dean to climb on the exam table, but he’s a thin boy and Dean is heavy, especially having only one leg to help him, since the other one is bandaged. “Here, let me help,” Castiel hurries to help, and Dean, almost falling, puts his hand on his shoulder and leans on him, for balance.

Holy shit, Dean’s hand feels hot, it seem to burn through Castiel’s scrubs and lab coat. Castiel feels sweat running down his back.

“Um, thanks, I can manage now,” Dean says, looking embarrassed for needing so much help. He finally sits on the exam table and, with Ben’s help, stretches his swollen and bandaged leg on it.

Looking at the leg, Castiel easily slips into doctor mode. Suddenly, all he sees is someone in pain, needing his help. And this is easy; this is something he can do. “Tell me how it happened,” he whispers, while starting to take the dressings off.

Dean closes his eyes in pain as soon as Castiel touches his leg, but he starts talking. “Well, I… the place my regiment was occupying was… ouch! Was short on water. There are only ten Americans in the regiment, plus a bunch of soldiers from other countries.”

Dean stops talking and winces, Castiel tries to hold his leg with a little more care. “Keep talking,” he says gently.

“Anyway, um…we needed to find a new place to stay ASAP. That’s my job, I’m a military engineer, so I should find a new place for us to build the new base; well, not a base exactly, but the new place should have a minimal infrastructure for the guys and… sorry, I’m babbling, but you’re touching– don’t move my leg like that, dammit!”

“I’m going as slowly as I can, but I really need to take these bandages off,” Castiel calmly replies. He is used to patients complaining about the pain, he knows it hurts when he touches Dean’s leg, but he needs to see it, doesn’t he? “Then, what happened?” he probes, to keep Dean talking.

“An ambush happened,” Dean mumbles. “Ouch, dammit, don’t!” he almost yells as Castiel pulls the last pieces of gauze covering the wound. “A fucking ambush by a group of extremists, bullets coming from all sides, and there was nowhere to hide, and the son of a bitch hit me right in the knee.” Dean is panting now, the leg must hurt a lot.

Dean’s right leg is in an awful state. It has a huge scar, not fully healed, going from the inside of the thigh root to the knee. The knee itself is so swollen that Castiel can hardly differentiate the structures, but the kneecap is missing, and there’s a Penrose drain coming out of the place where it should be, and something half lymph, half blood flows slowly through it. It’s a blessing that the leg doesn’t seem to be shorter than the other one. Hell, it’s a blessing that the leg is still attached to Dean at all.

“Do you want some painkillers?” Castiel asks, because the guy’s forehead is covered in sweat. Dean only nods in response, so Castiel turns to Ben and says, “Please, Ben, could you call my assistant and tell her to send nurse Madison here?’

“No morphine, please,” Dean says, closing his eyes and resting his head on the wall, as Ben runs from the room to do what Castiel asked. “It makes me dizzy and I say stupid things. Fuck, this hurts.”

“Don’t worry, it’s not morphine, it’s tramadol,” Castiel says softly. “I’m sorry,” he touches Dean’s ankle, feeling sad for the man.

“Not your fault.”

“I will need to send you to the x-ray. Then, an MRI, so I can see the extent of the damage to your muscle and bones, okay?”

“Okay, thanks.” Dean is breathing steadily now, the wave of pain seems to have lessened. Then, he opens an eye and looks at Castiel, the ghost of a smile on his lips. “How ya doing, Cas?”

Castiel sighs. Some things never change. “I’m fine, Dean, how about you?”

Dean grimaces and indicates his leg with his head. “Not so well.”

“I know.” The leg is red and swollen, there’s probably an infection there too. Dean really needs Castiel’s help. “Dean, I will do everything in my power to relieve you of your suffering, but I want to tell you in advance that it’s not going to be painless. Statistically, injuries like yours are highly painful, and they take a long time to heal, so I will need your fullest cooperation and patience.”

It’s Dean turn to chuckle. “Wow, Cas… you still talk like you just swallowed a Thesaurus,” he says softly. “Anything you say, doc. I’m all yours.”

“Well, I- I don’t-“ Castiel splutters.

Ben comes in with nurse Madison Wolf, saving Castiel from not knowing how to respond to Dean’s observation.

“You called, doctor Novak?”

“Yes, Madison, I want 50mg of tramadol, intravenous, and prepare the patient for the x-ray. Also, take a blood sample and scan it for infection, and please, call the MRI and tell them I need to fit a leg MRI between the two already scheduled for this afternoon.”

As the nurse starts to prepare the medication, Dean slowly lays the upper part of his body on the stretcher with a weary sigh. “Thanks, Cas,” he says.

Castiel remains silent as the nurse applies the medication into Dean’s vein. Dean closes his eyes again and seems to relax as the medication starts easing the pain.

“It’ll be all right, Dean,” Castiel says to himself, as he watches Dean being taken by the orderly to the x-ray. “You’ll be all right.” Then you can go your way and we never have to see each other again.

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

Dean stays in the hospital the entire day. Castiel sends him to a recovery room that’s empty and asks him to wait because he has another patient scheduled for the afternoon, something simple, just a pectus carinatum surgery. Only then he will be able to analyze Dean’s x-rays and MRI, and tell him if there’s any possible treatment for him.

More than four hours later, he enters Dean’s room, still wearing his scrubs. He knows he looks disheveled and tired, but his hair has always been a lost cause, even more after spending hours using a surgical cap.

Dean is alone, lying on the bed, looking at the ceiling, and he seems lost in thought. The TV is on but he’s not paying any attention to it. As soon as Castiel enters, he gives him a soft smile and turns the TV off. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Castiel says back, looking around. “Where’s Ben?”

“I sent him to the cafeteria,” he explains. “Never seen someone who eats so much. Well, except for me, maybe. He was getting impatient.”

Castiel sits on the chair closer to the bed and turns to Dean, still holding his exams. “I’m sorry it took me so long to come, but the surgery took longer than I expected. And, I needed to analyze your exams carefully. ”

“Hey, no problem, you’re already doing too much.”

“So, uh… I looked at the x-rays and the MRI.”

Dean sucks his lips into his mouth, worried. “And? What’s the verdict? Will I really be tied to a wheelchair forever?” He sounds defeated, as if waiting for the worse.

“Well, your leg has an infection, and it needs to be treated ASAP. Did you take any antibiotics before you came to Lawrence?”

Dean sighs. “I have no idea, Cas. I was completely out of it. I woke up two days later with this bandage on, and the people telling me I got lucky because I still had the leg. But… I think my medical records are back at the base, I’ll ask them to send it to you. Sounds good?”

“Yes, all right. Well, the infection treatment is the first thing we’ll do. Only when the swelling and the redness disappear and your leukocytes count returns to normal, we’ll be able to do anything surgically.”

“Yeah, I was already imagining I’d have to go through another surgery.”

Castiel bites his lower lip. “Uh… about the surgery, Dean… the damage to your muscles is not so big, treat the infection and they’ll heal in time. But… the bones and the cartilage… they’re frayed and worn down, there’s practically no cartilage at all in the joint, and… the bones have minimal fractures in the places where they come together. There’s… nothing to be done for the joint as it is, especially because the kneecap was removed.”

“Fuck.” Dean pales and looks at the ceiling again, squeezing his eyes shut. “That means I can’t walk again, doesn’t it?”

“In the state your knee is right now, yes,” Castiel says softly. “Because the damage was so much that… it can’t be fixed.”

“Then why did you talk about surgery? I’m not gonna let you cut my leg off. The other doctors said I wouldn’t have to.”

“Well, because I can’t fix your knee joint, but I can replace it.”

“Come again?” Dean opens his eyes and looks at Casrtiel, frowning. “Replace my knee?”

“Yes. Knee replacement is done to replace a damaged knee joint; it’s a procedure I’m very familiar with. The damaged part of the joint is removed from the surface of the bones, and the surfaces are then shaped to hold a metal artificial joint. The muscles and the skin stay, of course. We just take out the damaged bones and put on new, artificial ones.”

“Wow. I had no idea this was possible.” Dean looks hopeful now, and seeing the defeat leave his face makes Castiel’s heart beat faster.

“It’s pretty simple to understand when you think about it, really. The artificial joint is attached to the thighbone, shin and an artificial kneecap, in your case, with special cement. When fit together, the attached artificial parts form the joint, relying on the surrounding muscles and ligaments for support and function, will allow you to walk.”

“Really?” Dean smiles then, the first real smile since he came to the hospital. Younger Dean smiled all the time, full of life and vitality. Castiel realizes, with a pang he tries to cover clearing his throat, how much he missed that smile.

“Well, you’ll obviously need physical therapy for one or two months, here at the hospital. But yes, you’ll be able to walk, swim, pedal and even run short distances, if you don’t exert yourself too much.”

“That… that’s great, Cas. That’s more than I hoped for.”

Castiel grimaces, looking at Dean cautiously. “The only problem is that… I’d advise you not to do the physical exertion of a soldier anymore. It would be harmful to the replacement, it could… shorten its longevity, which tend to be twenty years.”

“So the implant can wear off?”

“It’s a prosthesis actually, and yes, it can. But we can revise the surgery and replace the damaged parts.”

Dean gives a sigh of relief. “Don’t worry, doc, my days as a soldier are over. I’m going to look for a job as soon as I’m better. Maybe stay here in Lawrence, where I can be near my kid. I missed a good part of his growing up because of… work and other stuff.”

Castiel’s stupid heart start to beat faster again. He can’t imagine Dean living in Lawrence, when Castiel can bump into him on the streets anytime. It would be… awkward. Castiel loves his calm life, and he would like it very much if it stayed that way.

“Well, uh… it would be a good idea to start treating your infection, the sooner the better. I’d like to admit you in the hospital and start the antibiotics today, if possible.”

Dean shrugs. “It’s not as if I’m going anywhere. Thanks a lot, Cas, I… I don’t know how to thank you enough.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Bull shit, I- I know I d- don’t deserve your help.”

“I’m a doctor, Dean. That’s what I do.”

They keep looking at each other, and Castiel gets so uncomfortable that he needs to leave. Preferably now.

“Okay, the, uh… I’ll go to the cafeteria and let Ben know you’re going to stay.”

Dean widens his eyes and shows his iPhone. “You don’t have to go, Cas, I can call him.”

But Castiel is already getting up. It suddenly downs on him that he will see this man every day, for God knows how long, and he’s not sure he’s ready for this. “Then I’d better call the nurse, ask her to bring the admission forms for you to sign, uh… I need to go.”

“Cas…” Dean tries.

“In the morning I’m coming back with the interns, I hope you don’t mind.” The interns, of course. Their presence will help him keep this thing strictly professional. Sure, Castiel wants to help Dean, but he definitely doesn’t want to talk, doesn’t want to ‘catch up’. He needs to keep his distance. “Goodnight, Dean, see you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight, Cas.” The defeated tone is back again, but Castiel welcomes it this time. It’s a good thing that Dean understands that Castiel is his doctor, not his ‘high school friend,’ like Ben said.

As he walks away, he asks himself how the hell did he agree to do this. It’s like destiny is mocking him. Dean is like a magnet, and Castiel can’t deny he was instantly attracted to the guy – all over again – as soon as he saw him. But he needs to keep his distance, because, A) this is too much responsibility; this is Ben’s father and Ben is Claire’s boyfriend. The last thing Castiel needs is to turn this into a family drama. And B) Despite the attraction he feels for the man, Dean means bad news, so it’s better for everyone if Castiel acts as Dr. Novak around Dean and nothing else.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

 

Castiel is so tired that he decides to take a nap before dinner and wakes up at four AM the following day. He feels relaxed, ready for another day of patients, surgeries and challenges. That is, until he remembers that he has a new patient he’s not anxious to see at all.

It’s not that he still thinks about Dean. He was a teenager when they broke up, barely out of high school, of course he doesn’t linger on what could have been. At least that is what he tells himself. It took a while, but Castiel got over their break up.

But forgiving it’s not the same as forgetting: that’s amnesia. Forgiving is being able to think about it without pain, and Castiel can’t say that. He’s disappointed with himself, because he never thought he had a place for resentment in his life, so he realizes that no, he hasn’t forgiven Dean.

The problem is that Dean is in pain, and Castiel wants so much to help him that he is astonished with the intensity of his will to make things better for the guy. It’s… unusual, and it makes him restless. He really has neither time nor inclination for any kind of conflicted emotions in his life.

Claire doesn’t make things easier, because as soon as she sees him at breakfast, she starts talking nonstop about how excited Ben is that Castiel said there’s a way to fix Dean’s leg, and how ‘cool’ is that they were high school ‘friends’, and when Dean is cured they will be able to do ‘cool’ things together to ‘bond’.

This is ridiculous. Castiel has no desire whatsoever to ‘bond’ with Dean Winchester. So, as he drives Claire to school, he tells her not to worry about Dean anymore. If only he could do the same.

At the hospital, he takes his time before going to Dean’s room with the interns. He visits all the other patients first, because he knows Dean is waiting for him and he doesn’t want to stay there more than necessary. He’s made up his mind: he’ll be polite but distant, friendly but not excessively attentive, and professional to a fault. This is the best way to deal with the situation.

And when Dean gets better, surely there will be thousand of ways Castiel will be able to avoid seing him. It’s not as if Claire and Ben will get married. They’re practically children; he’s older than her, he will go to college next year and she’ll stay. Soon there will be no reason at all for him and Dean to meet. Maybe a follow-up at the hospital once a year, but nothing more.

When Castiel and the interns enter Dean’s room, the nurse is changing his dressings. His face is contorted in pain and he’s biting on his own closed hand to keep from screaming.

“Good morning, Dean,” Castiel says. “I told you I would bring my interns, I hope it’s all right.”

“Sure, doc, why not?” Dean pants. “Welcome to the freak show.”

The nurse is cleaning his leg thoroughly with saline, rubbing lightly at the parts with too much secretions. “I’m sorry, Mr. Winchester, but this is necessary,” she apologizes.

“Yeah, yeah, go ahead.” Dean’s lips are in a thin line and there is a bit of sweat on his upper lip.

The interns are looking at his leg fascinated. They start pointing at it in that curious but extremely indiscreet way only interns have. They keep asking questions about the lesion and the infection and the surgery and what type of antibiotics to use. Castiel answers all their questions patiently, even explains the mechanism of the lesion caused by the bullet.

Then Dean gives a strangled yelp and everyone looks at him. The nurse is poking at his leg – lightly, but she is poking – so the secretions at deeper tissues can come out, and shit, tears are coming down Dean’s face. He also looks extremely embarrassed, his face is red and he’s pressing his lips in a thin line.

Dean is a soldier. Pain is no foreign to him. Which means this must hurt at stratospheric levels.

“Uh… I think that will be all for today,” Castiel tells the interns hurriedly. “Please read the chapter about osteomyelitis so we can discuss it tomorrow, all right?

The interns mumble their goodbyes and leave. Castiel feels extremely guilty for subjecting Dean to the intern’s curiosity. “Madison, please, get the tramadol and give him another 50 milligrams. And, uh, every time you need to change his dressings give him a prophylactic dose. I’ll leave the prescription in his file. This is too infected, and infection increases the pain significantly.”

Madison finally stops torturing Dean. “Do you want me to get the medication now, doctor?”

Castiel nods. “Yes, please, before you start bandaging the wound again.”

She leaves and Dean gives a sigh of relief. “Thanks. She looks small and delicate but that woman is a torturer.”

“She’s doing her job.”

“Well, shit, if her job is inflicting pain on people, she is a torturer.” Dean looks at his leg and grimaces. “You sure you can fix this shit? Looks pretty bad.”

“If your body responds to the antibiotics and gets rid of the infection, then yes, I can fix it.”

“If you say so, doc…” Dean looks at the leg again, doubtful. “Oh, man, look at the scars. At this rate my leg will look like the roadmap of the States.”

“We can call a plastic surgeon later, to try to lessen the scars.”

Dean shrugs. “Nah. I don’t care about the scars; I already have a few, these will only add to my collection. No big deal. Who cares, right? I just hope the leg doesn’t get… thinner. My adorable bowleg won’t be prettier if it gets so thin. Aaaand, I hope I don’t limp too much after everything. It would be the icing on the cake.”

Castiel frowns. He had never seen Dean talking about himself like that, so… self-deprecating. But then again, too much time has passed. He doesn’t know Dean anymore. “That’s why you’ll do physical therapy. To strengthen the muscles.”

“All right, then.”

They stay silent for a while. But Castiel feels bad for bringing so many people to see Dean’s leg, and he feels bad that the man cried from pain in front of strange people. “I’m sorry for bringing the interns,” he blurts out. “I shouldn’t have.”

Dean shakes his head in a dismissive gesture. “Leave it. You said you would, it wasn’t a surprise.”

“Still.” Castiel insists. “When I saw you were having your dressings changed, I should have given you some privacy, I should have taken the interns away. I know it made you uncomfortable. They are too… enthusiastic, sometimes. They can make a patient feel like a lab rat. ”

“I said leave it. I’m glad to contribute to science.” Dean’s tone is sarcastic and he looks annoyed. “I deserve it, anyway. You making me into a lab rat, as you said, it’s nothing compared to what I did to you. ”

“Dean, you don’t have to- I mean, I-“

“I deserve far worse, we both know I do, right? And I know saying I’m sorry it’s bullshit, but I am. I never wanted to-“

“Please, Dean, I would appreciate if we don’t talk about the past.”

“But Cas, I-“

“Please, Dean. I insist. It’s my- my condition to treat you.”

Dean deflates like an empty balloon. “Condition,” he repeats.

“Yes,” Castiel takes a deep breath. “This is my condition. If you insist on talking about what happened more than fifteen years ago, I- I will refer you to another doctor. There are many orthopedic surgeons in the hospital, as competent as I am. I’m sure they’ll be interested in your case.”

Dean looks shocked. His eyes are wide and his mouth is open. Castiel’s heart feel like it will jump out of his chest, and he feels suffocated. He wants to leave.

“All right,” Dean finally whispers. “If this is your condition, I accept it. No more mentions of the past.”

The nurse comes back with Dean’s medication and he closes his eyes, lying on the bed with a tired huff. Castiel takes the opportunity to leave. He’s… glad that he managed to put the records straight between him and Dean. Now their dealings will be strictly professional, like he wanted. He should feel relieved. He really should feel relieved. Then, why does he have a weight in his chest, like someone is pulling his heart down?

 

SPN SPN SPN

“Good morning, Dean. How is your leg?”

Dean looks up from the book he’s reading. “Better, I even managed to sleep the whole night, no painkillers needed.”

“I’m glad.”

“Thank you. For your, um. For the treatment. This is the first time I get to spend a whole night without pain.”

“This is to be expected, it was only a question of giving you the right medicine and wait for your immune system to respond to it.”

“Well, whatever you’re doing here, it’s working. The doctors from the base- “

Castiel’s had enough of this chit-chat. “Other doctors are not specialized in reconstructive surgery. They don’t see what I see when I look at your leg. Maybe they don’t even know whet they’re looking for.”

Dean huffs an annoyed breath. “Gee, don’t be a jerk. I’m just trying to say thank you here, but I can’t compete with your ego.”

“It’s not ego. Just the facts.”

“You know what, I give up. Let’s start this again. Hello, Dr. Novak, my leg is fine today; it doesn’t hurt as much anymore, thank you. Now please, go share your brilliance with your other patients. Goodbye.”

Castiel’s irritation only grows. “You’re being a child.”

“And you’re being a jerk. I’d say it’s a tie.”

“All right. Let’s do the check list then and I’ll be on my way.” Castiel open’s Dean’s charts and grabs a pen from his pocket. “Any new sore spots?”

“No.”

“Redness? Fever? Chills?”

“No, no and no.”

“Would you please be more elaborate in your answers? You’re making this really hard.”

“For god’s sake, what do you want me to say?” Dean closes the book he’s holding with a snap. Then he gives Castiel a big, forced smile and says, in a falsetto: “No, I didn’t notice any redness, doctor. No fever and no chills either, my temperature is fine, everyone here is nice, the other kids are treating me just fine.”

Castiel closes the charts. “This is obviously not working.”

“Tell me something new,” Dean mumbles.

“I’ll come back later, when you’ve decided to cooperate with the exam.” Castiel’s tired of this. He wants to strangle Dean; he’s so irritating! Castiel can’t even understand what’s happening, why they’re acting like this. Obviously he and Dean can’t stand each other, and Castiel can’t remember right now why he wanted to help the guy. He could have said no, so why didn’t he?

“Yeah, do that. And doc, bring your bedside manners with you.”

“My bedside manners are perfect.”

“With patients under anesthesia, maybe.”

They stare at each other, the antagonism between them evident. And yet, Castiel can’t refer Dean to another doctor. Call this ego, or whatever, but he knows that he’s the only one here able to fix Dean’s leg.

“See you later, Mr. Winchester.” He gives Dean a short not and turns to leave.

“Don’t bother hurrying back, Dr. Novak.”

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

_When Michael Novak died, Naomi couldn’t afford keeping the house they lived in, even though she worked. So, Castiel, his mom and his brothers moved to a … less privileged part of town. The house was old, with only one floor. The wallpaper was hideous and peeling. The kitchen was flooded because of a leaking pipe. And, as the icing on the cake, Castiel had to share a room with Gabe. And Gabe snored like a freight train._

_Castiel hated it. Until, on the day after the move, he found out who lived just around the corner, a few blocks from his new home: Dean Winchester._

_On Monday he was leaving for school; alone, since Gabe went to KU and Sam was in Elementary school. At the bus stop, he looked around and was pleasantly surprised when he saw Dean leaving a small house across the street. It was white and well kept, with a little garden full of marigolds, the yellow and orange petals contrasting beautifully with the house. There was a boy with him, tall and lanky, but obviously younger._

_Then, before they got inside Dean’s car – a black Impala that everyone at school knew was Dean’s pride and joy – Dean raised his head and saw Castiel at the bus stop. He waved, and Castiel waved back, in a daze, because Dean was smiling at him. Dean said something to the boy – probably his brother, then crossed the street and stopped right on front of Castiel. He was wearing his leather jacket over a green shirt that matched his eyes, and Castiel’s heart was beating so fast that he thought he was having a heart attack._

_“Hey, Cas, how’s it going?”_

_Gosh, Dean’s smile was really something. “Uh… al- alright, I guess,” Castiel shrugged._

_“Watcha doing here?” Dean asked, looking around._

_“I live here now,” Castiel pointed in his house’s direction. “Down that street.”_

_“Oh.” Dean’s face turned serious immediately. “I heard about your Dad. “I, um… I’m sorry, man.”_

_“It’s alright.” Everybody knew, obviously. Oh, the perks of living in a small town. “Thank you.”_

_“But hey, I can give you a ride every day if you want!” Dean said, the bright smile returning to his face._

_“Oh, there’s no need to… um… don’t worry, I’ll take the bus.”_

_“That’s bullshit, Cas!” Dean patted him on the shoulder. ”We’re neighbors! There’s plenty of room in the car. Come on,” he said, pulling Castiel by the arm._

_Castiel wanted to refuse again, maybe as a defense mechanism, because there was no way he wouldn’t feel awkward and clumsy around Dean. Instead, he let himself be pulled in the direction of the car without a word. Dean’s hand felt warm and big on his arm, and they crossed the street together._

_“This is my little brother,” Dean said, gesturing at the boy already waiting in the car. “Sorry, but he always rides shotgun.”_

_“Hi, I’m Sam,” the boy sitting on the front seat turned to him and smiled, when Castiel got inside the car. Dean and his brother didn’t look alike, except for the bright eyes and the wide grin._

_“I’m Castiel.”_

_“That’s a… different name,” Sam said._

_“Me and my brothers, we’re named after angels. My mother likes them a lot.”_

_Sam smiled. “Hey, my mother likes angels too!”_

_“One thing we have in common, Cas,” Dean said, and Castiel looked down so no one would see him blushing._

_“Castiel is the angel of Thursday and serenity,” he explained, voice trembling a little, amazed he was being able to talk so much. He usually stuttered terribly when talking to new people. But with the Winchesters he felt strangely at ease, at least for now. “Gabe is named after the angel of Nativity and Sam after the angel of stars.”_

_“You have a brother named Sam too?” Dean asked. “That’s cool, man! That’s two things we have in common; we’re gonna be great friends.”_

_Castiel’s heart almost went out of his chest. It was probably a joke, only meant to break the ice; but it was a good thing to imagine._

_Sam frowned. “Wait, there’s no angel named Samuel, is there?”_

_“Actually, there is Samael, he’s the angel of change. But my brother’s name is Samandriel.”_

_“Phew. At least you’re not alone in the strange names department, dude,” Dean said._

_Sam shoved at Dean’s arm. “Dean!”_

_“It’s alright,” Castiel said. “My name is strange, indeed. I don’t mind.”_

_Dean shoved Sam’s arm back. “See? He doesn’t mind. Hey, Cas, I hope you don’t mind if we go drop this guy here at junior high,” Dean said, shuffling Sam’s hair._

_Sam complained and pulled a comb from his backpack. “Don’t do this, jerk.”_

_“Bitch.”_

_When they left Sam at the school, Dean turned to Castiel, looking pointedly at him. “Shotgun’s yours now, Cas. But there’s only one thing,” he turned the radio on. “Driver always picks the music; shotgun shuts the cakehole.”_

_Castiel frowned, tilting his head to one side. “Cakehole?”_

_Dean rolled is eyes, but his voice was fond when he said, “It means you’ll have to listen to classic rock from here to the school everyday, dumbass.”_

_After school, that same day, Castiel was almost getting inside the bus to go home when Dean called him._

_“Cas!” he was waving with both arms from the other side of the parking lot. Castiel went to him. “What the hell are you doing?” Dean asked, when Castiel approached the car._

_“Uh… going home?”_

_“And why the hell wouldn’t I take you home if we live on the same damn street?” Dean asked, sounding exasperated._

_“I didn’t want to assume. You… you really don’t need to take me. I can– “_

_“You’re right, I don’t need to; but I want to. What kind of guy do you think I am? Come on, don’t be stupid; I can bring you to school and take you home every day, it’s no sweat.”_

_“But– “_

_“Unless you don’t want to, that is.” And for the first time, a shadow crossed Dean’s eyes and he looked uncertain, hesitant. “If you’d rather go home with someone else, it’s okay. I can– “_

_Oh, he wanted it. Very much. “It would be great if you gave me a ride home, Dean,” he hurried to say._

_“That’s settled, then. Now, get in.”_

_And just like that, Dean Winchester entered Castiel’s life_.

 

SPN SPN SPN

Ben is there when Castiel comes back to see Dean. To keep up appearances, he smiles politely at them and asks the same question all over again. Dean gives perfunctory answers and barely looks at Castiel.

Ben tries to start a conversation that will include both men, but poor kid, neither Dean nor Castiel cooperate. The boy’s eyes are hopeful and bright when he looks at them, and Castiel would really like if he stopped acting like Castiel and Dean are best friends, finally reunited. This is ridiculous.

Sighing, Castiel decides that it’s time to see the wound, and asks Ben to wait outside. He starts to undress Dean’s leg carefully, while Dean pretends he’s not in pain.

“Mr. Winchester, it would be nice if you stop pretending you’re not in pain. I need to see if the treatment is effective, and real lack of pain is one of the things I rely on.”

“It would be nice if you stopped calling me Mr. Winchester.”

“Isn’t that your name?” Castiel feigns disinterest, but he can see that Dean’s wincing every time he moves his leg too much.

“It’s also my father’s name. And it’s really annoying when you act like we don’t know each other.”

“This is a hospital. My workplace. I’m not here to reconnect to my old friends; I’m here to work. Besides, you’re not my old friend.”

“No shit.”

Castiel works in silence for a while. Dean stares at the wound in his leg when the dressings come off, and his face is dismayed and a little bit frightened.

“You sure this is gonna work, Cas? It looks pretty bad.”

“It will, Dean. Trust me.”

“I do.”

“Thank you.”

Then, they stare at each other with their mouths hanging open, only now realizing that they’d just forgot to use the formal treatment with each other, and were actually acting almost friendly. Dean’s jaw clenches, Castiel’s brow furrows. It would be a comical scene if it didn’t leave Castiel so angry with himself. Apparently, all it takes is Dean calling him ‘Cas’ and Castiel goes back to being attentive and solicitous. Shit.

“I, um… I’m going to ask the nurse to bring more gauze.”

“Cas.”

“What?”

“You’re a jerk. But I trust you.”

Castiel has no idea how to respond to that, so he gives Dean a curt nod and flees the room. He comes back only when nurse Madison is free to come with him.

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

It takes more than a week for Dean’s leg to get better, for his body to start fighting the infection. He’s a strong man, but the blood loss took its toll on his health. So, Castiel and Dean go through day after day of strictly doctor/patient talk. Castiel doesn’t take the interns to see Dean anymore, but his visits to him are short and he makes sure to always come when the nurse is changing the leg’s dressings, so he can see with his own eyes how the treatment is going. And, if he’s honest, since Dean is distracted by pain – and Castiel feels a horrible parson for thinking like that – he won’t say anything not related to his leg.

But when Castiel is there, Dean does exactly what Castiel asked. Which means he barely looks at him. He answers Castiel’s questions in a polite tone, sounding resigned, almost sad. Castiel doesn’t look him in the eyes and Dean keeps his head down.

It’s even more awkward when Ben is in the room during Castiel’s visits, because he keeps looking alternately at Dean and Castiel as if waiting for them to grab a beer and start reminiscing about the old times. When this happens, Dean gives Castiel an apologetic look and a forced smile and ask about someone they both knew –barely – in high school, so Castiel puts on a forced smile of his own and tells him who got married, who left town, who died, frivolous things like that.

It’s torture. Painful.

Castiel wants Dean’s leg to be infection free soon, so he can operate on it. He wants to put Dean in the OR and fix the damn leg, so he and Dean won’t have to see each other again. At the same time, he wants to do his best so Dean’s leg will be fixed. Add to that, the inexplicable need to make sure Dean is going to be all right as a whole.

In short, Castiel’s feelings are a mess and he hates it.

Finally, the day arrives when Dean’s leucocytes count returns to normal, when there’s no more secretions of any kind in his leg and when all that’s left is the mess of tissue and bones torn by the bullet.

The weekend is coming, so Castiel tells Dean he can go home for a few days before the surgery, because all the operating rooms for elective surgeries are booked for the whole next week.

Out of politeness, and because he does this whenever he can, he goes to Dean’s room when his family comes to pick him up, to say goodbye. He is Dean’s doctor, after all. But he’s not expecting to find Mary Winchester there, with his son. Through the glass he sees Mary and Dean talking softly to each other and Dean is shaking his head several times, as if he doesn’t want to hear what she’s saying.

Sighing, Castiel knocks on the door to announce his arrival and gives them a polite and impersonal smile as he steps inside. “Good afternoon, are you ready to go home?”

Mary gets up from the chair and walks straight to Castiel, enveloping him in a hug. “Castiel,” she says, “I’m so happy to see you so I can say thank you in person.”

The hug takes Castiel completely by surprise, so at first he doesn’t react. He stays like a statue, not knowing what to do. But, he reasons with himself, if he doesn’t hug her back, things will be really awkward, and Castiel can be many things, but rude is not one of them. So, slowly, he puts his arms lightly around her. “Hello, Mrs. Winchester.”

“Please, to you I’m Mary,” she says, letting him go, but she keeps him close, with her hands on his arms so he can’t run away. “I’d like to thank you for taking care of Dean. It’s a miracle, because when my son came to Lawrence, he had already given up on walking. Now you’re fixing his leg and he’ll be able to walk again. Thank you, Castiel, from the bottom of my heart.”

“I still didn’t do anything, I only gave him antibiotics,” Castiel tells her, because the last thing he wants is to be seen as Dean’s ‘savior’.

“But you will do, son, and that’s what counts. I’m sure everything will go well, you’ll see. I always knew you were a good person.”

“Um… excuse my mom, doc,” Dean looks embarrassed, he’s blushing a little and his freckles seem more pronounced with his cheeks and neck so red. “She gets emotional in hospitals. This is not a Doctor Sexy episode, Mom. Please, no drama.”

Mary giggles, oblivious to Castiel and Dean’s obvious discomfort. “Well, Castiel here could surely star a Doctor Sexy episode, couldn’t you? You turned out quite handsome, if you don’t mind me saying.”

Castiel opens his mouth to speak but all he manages is “I…”

“Mom, please!” Dean hides his face in his hands. “Don’t do that.”

“Nonsense,” Mary smiles. “So, my grandson is dating your daughter? What a small world, don’t you think?” She pulls Castiel by his sleeve and takes him to the small sofa by the bed. He can’t do anything to avoid it, and before he realizes, he’s sitting down talking amenities with Mary Winchester. All that’s missing in this scene are the tea and the biscuits, and oh, yes, the soft background music. Dear God.

“Um, yes, Ben is a great kid. I’m very fond of him.”

Mary smiles, pleased. “This is so nice! I didn’t know you were married!”

Well, now there’s an additional pink elephant in the room, because Mary knows that Castiel is gay, since he dated her son. Shit, what a mess. “Uh…” says Castiel eloquently again. “Actually, I’m a widower.

She widens her eyes. “Oh, I’m so sorry, Castiel.”

“It’s all right. Claire was a baby when Amelia died,” he explains. “We lived in Boston then. We’re in Lawrence since I finished my doctorate, and I… was offered a position here. I accepted, because I wanted Claire to grow up close to my family, since Amelia didn’t have anyone.” He has no idea why he’s telling Mary all these things, especially in front of Dean and more so because Castiel is so reserved about his personal life.

“I understand. I had no idea you had come back. Since your mother moved to another house, I haven’t had news about any of you.” Mary and Naomi got along, but they weren’t exactly friends. “How’s Gabriel? And that lovely angel-faced Samandriel?”

“Gabe is doing okay, he works at a film production company, a small one – well, the movies are porn, but he’s not going to tell her that particular detail – and Sam just finished law school in Stanford, he’s looking for a job now.”

“Stanford? My Sam went to Stanford too! When Dean still lived in California with Lis- um, when Dean was living there. What a coincidence! My Sam and your Sam studied in the same place! And now my Ben and your Claire are dating! This is really a small world!”

Behind her, Dean looks at them with a painful expression, the same Castiel feels in his own face, but he keeps nodding and he lets Mary talk – all the time praying for a way out of this.

Then, as if by miracle, his pager beeps. “Just a second, please,” he says, reading the message. “Oh. They need me at the ER. I’m sorry, I have to go.”

“Of course, son. You go and save some people’s lives!” Mary beams at him, and then, before he can react, she reaches for his face and kisses his cheek lightly.

He gets up. “Goodbye, Mary. It was nice talking to you. Dean, uh… did they give you the pain killers?”

“Yep,” Dean shows Castiel a white plastic bottle. He’s quiet, looking at Castiel with a frown on his face.

“All right, I see you in ten days. You’ll be admitted one day before the surgery.”

“Sure, doc. I’ll be here.”

Castiel nods and flees the room. He never thanked the ER so much. He hopes he has a very busy day today, anything so he doesn’t have to think about Dean.

Castiel suffered a lot when he and Dean parted ways. He really thought they were going to stay together forever. It was foolish, he knows, because few High school sweethearts stay together for good. But the way they broke up, it was painful, sudden and so traumatic that Castiel still hadn’t had a real relationship since then. Well, there was Amelia, but she was not a real relationship. She was Castiel’s best friend, and he loved her deeply. But that was all.

Now, Dean is back in Castiel’s life. He knows he’s sounding repetitive even to himself but he doesn’t want this, seing Dean every day. He doesn’t need this complication. He likes his calm, comfortable and predictable life. He wants Dean to get well soon and move to the other side of the country, like he did before. Maybe, since he still works for the UN, he can be sent to the other side of the world, so Castiel can have peace again.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

 

Castiel’s next week is calm; between patients, interns and residents, he is in his element, at ease, despite the chaotic routine. The only reminder of Dean’s impending surgery is Ben’s constant presence. The boy is really excited, and he makes sure Castiel knows how much he appreciates his help. All. The. Time.

“Thank you so much, Mr. Novak,” he says for the umpteenth time.

Castiel forces a smile, because Claire is looking at him like he hung the moon. “It’s all right, Ben, you don’t need to thank me,” he says. Again.

Now that Dean is back, Ben wants to hang out with his dad, and he takes Claire with him sometimes. She comes back smiling, saying how cool Mr. Winchester is, and that he treats her very well. “He always asks how you’re doing, Dad,” she says, and Castiel’s breath hitches at that. What? “I thought you guys were keeping in touch, now that he’s back in town.”

Castiel tries to hide his surprise. “I’m busy, honey, you know that.”

“I know, Dad. But you should go out more, you know? You need friends. I almost don’t see you hanging out with anyone, not even with uncles Gabe and Sam. All you do is work. Come on, Dad, you should go visit him. He’s your friend, isn’t he?”

Castiel clears his throat to cover a gasp. Visit Dean is the last thing he wants to do. “Honey, I can’t. I barely have time for you, how can I- “

Claire rolls her eyes. “Well, you’re the doctor here, not me. But you know that being a workaholic is not healthy. I just… want you to be happy, Dad.”

“I am happy, baby,” he says, looking at her and smiling. “Don’t worry about me, okay?”

Claire kisses his cheek. “I do, Dad, ‘cause I love you.”

Castiel hugs her, feeling her soft hair on his cheek. “I love you too, baby. Come on, let’s go make dinner together.”

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

_In school – and outside it, too – things didn’t change much, now that Castiel and Dean were friends. Dean still dated Lisa Braeden, still was the most handsome, funny and popular guy in all High school, while Castiel still was the resident nerd. The difference was that now they talked every day, and Castiel started to be known as ‘Dean’s nerd friend’. His awkwardness around people slowly started to fade – at least around Dean. It was still hard to talk to everybody else, but slowly, things were getting better._

_Lisa didn’t like him too much, though. At least, that was Castiel’s impression, because she smiled at him and was polite enough when Dean was around. But the few times Castiel and Lisa were alone, she barely acknowledged his presence, and when she was with her friends, she made sure Castiel knew they were talking about him. He had no idea why she acted this way, but since she wasn’t his favorite person in the world, he didn’t care._

_Then, everything changed when summer arrived. Lisa went to California to see her grandparents. Castiel started to look for a summer job. Dean didn’t, because he already had one._

_On summers, Dean worked at his uncle Bobby’s garage every day. One day he told Castiel that Bobby was looking for someone to organize his office, because it was a mess and he couldn’t find anything in there. Dean had suggested Bobby hired Castiel and now the man wanted to see him ASAP. If Castiel was interested, of course. Money was not something Castiel’s family had to spare, so of course he was interested. Bobby hired him the same day._

_So, it was only natural that Dean and Castiel, spending a lot of time together every day, became close friends. As the days went by, as the weeks turned into months, Castiel and Dean’s friendship grew. It started slowly, but soon they realized they enjoyed each other’s company a lot. They became almost inseparable. Castiel started to spend a lot of time in Dean’s house – and Dean went a lot to Castiel’s house too; to the point where Castiel was always expected at the Winchester’s for Sunday brunch and Dean was always expected at the Novak’s for Friday lunch._

_In general, Castiel and Dean were very different people: Dean was loud, very tactile, smiled all the time, talked too much, loved rock music, sports, cars and food. Castiel, on the other hand, was quiet, refrained from touching people if he could, wore a constant serious expression, didn’t talk unless it was necessary, loved classic music, didn’t care about sports and cars at all and, for him, food was for sustenance._

_But they got along just fine. They spent hours reading next to each other in companionable silence in Castiel’s room. They spent hours having all kinds of conversations in Dean’s room, while Led Zeppelin played in the background. They went to the movies and ate popcorn with soda and gummy bears, which they both loved. They went to Topeka on the weekends only because Dean loved to drive. They went to fairs and ate funnel cakes, played pinball, went on the Ferris wheel. They were comfortable and at ease around each other, like only friends can be._

_That was, by far, the best summer of Castiel’s life._

_“I’d never had a best friend before, Cas,” Dean confessed one night, when they were half drunk, hiding in Castiel’s basement with Dean’s dad’s whiskey. “Not a real one like you.”_

_“Neither have I, Dean,” Castiel replied seriously._

_“We gonna stay friends forever, okay?” Dean mumbled, while he drank straight from the bottle, passing it to Castiel._

_“We will,” Castiel vowed, as he took a sip that burned his throat._

_The thing was, Castiel was starting to dread the end of summer. With school, Castiel would stop working at the garage… and he wouldn’t see Dean so much anymore. Plus, it was their senior year. Dean would go to college after that, so would Castiel; they would probably go to different colleges, in different cities. God knows when they would see each other again. Maybe never._

_That summer, Castiel realized that his feeling towards Dean had changed. Knowing Dean, Castiel had come to admire him. He was brave, hard working, pure of heart and full of love for his family. Castiel was truly honored to be his friend. He could not even think about never seeing Dean again. Because he didn’t have a stupid crush on Dean Winchester anymore. It was love. Castiel was in love with his best friend_.

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

The day of the surgery arrives. Dean was admitted yesterday, and Castiel went to see him before going home for the night. Dean was nervous; Mary and Ben were with him, trying to cheer him up. Castiel’s visit was short, as always, but especially because he always goes to sleep early before a big surgery. And Dean’s surgery is going to be big.

He sees Dean again in the operating room. He is already with his surgical mask and his cap in place when Cole brings Dean. He’s still awake, but a little drowsy because of the light sedative he was given.

“Hey, doc,” Dean says, almost pouting. “They shaved my leg.”

Castiel smiles behind the mask. “It’s normal procedure, Dean.”

“It’s ridiculous. It looks like Barbie’s leg.”

Castiel refrains from rolling his eyes. “I know, but it will grow back.”

“Hey, doc,” Dean smiles lazily, “You look hot with those clothes.”

Balthazar, who is entering the room, raises his eyebrows. “You got a fan, Cassie?” the anesthesiologist jokes.

“Um… try to relax, Dean.” Castiel says. “The surgery will start soon.”

Dean looks at Balthazar indignantly. “Shaddap. Cas’s always been hot. We go way back.”

Castiel wants to facepalm, but he’s already with the surgical gloves on. Why doesn’t Balthazar put Dean to sleep already?

“Oh, really?” Balthazar chuckles. “Lucky you.”

Meg, God bless her, is already late, and she comes inside in a hurry, interrupting what could be Balthazar teasing Castiel once more. “Sorry I’m late guys, I had a flat tire.”

“All right, people, let’s get the show on the road.” Balthazar says. “Dean, I want you to count from ten to one, slowly, okay?” he starts to inject propofol in Dean’s vein.

“Ten… “ Dean starts to count. “Nine… eight… seven… six…” and he’s asleep.

Balthazar immediately intubates the patient, puts him on the artificial ventilator and adjusts the fentanyl drip. “Where did you get this eye-candy, Cas?” Balthazar teases then, as expected.

“Shut up, Balt,” Meg grunts, while she starts cleaning Dean’s leg with chlorhexidine. “Let’s start this thing, I still have a lot to do today.” She throws Castiel a quizzical look and he eyes her, in silent thank. She knows who Dean is, because Castiel was stupid enough to tell her, one night when they got drunk, a couple of years ago. Maybe that’s why she's just saved him from Balthazar’s comments. Castiel trusts her, knows she's not going to tell anyone. Meg is harsh and acerbic, but she’s a good, loyal friend.

He takes a deep breath and says to Meg, “Scalpel, please.”

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

Five hours later Dean is being taken to the post-anesthetic Recovery Room. He’s still sleeping, but now the tube is out and he’s breathing on his own. Castiel is exhausted. The surgery was a success, but it was long, because of the state Dean’s leg was in. In addition to the arthroplasty, he also needed to put a polyethylene kneecap and be sure the various components of the prosthesis can articulate perfectly. It’s tiring, but when he sees the final result, he’s very satisfied.

In the recovery room, Dean wakes up and starts to get agitated. It’s a fairly common event, because the return to consciousness, following general anesthesia, is a complex readjustment of central nervous system activity. What is not expected, though, is that his agitation grows, to the point where the nurses need to contain him.

Cole finds Castiel in the changing room. “Dr. Novak, could you come to the RC, please? Your patient is extremely agitated, and he may damage his leg if we don’t contain him.”

“Where is Balthazar?” Castiel asks, already following Cole.

“We had a Code Blue at O.R. four, and Dr. Blake asked for his assistance.”

Castiel finds Dean contained by four nurses, three of them men. “Son of a bitch! Lemme go!” Dean yells. ”Lemme go, dammit!”

“Dean!” Castiel runs to him and holds Dean’s face between his hands. “Dean, calm down.”

“Cas!” Dean looks at him, and he’s covered in sweat. This is not good. “They’re hurtin’ me, Cas!” he complains.

“That’s because you’re agitated. You’re going to hurt your leg.”

Dean frowns, as if he doesn’t understand. “My… leg? My leg hurts.”

“I know, and I’m going to help you, all right?” Castiel says slowly, trying to convey calm so Dean can calm down.

“Okay, but- but tell them to lemme go.” Dean’s eyes are pleading, and he looks around as if looking for a way out. “Don’ wanna stay here, Cas. It hurts. Bullets everywhere, they shot me, Cas.”

Oh, well. It’s possible that Dean has PTSD, it’s fairly common for soldiers. Shit, Castiel should have thought of this possibility beforehand. He leans down and puts his face very close to Dean’s, so he can have the man’s undivided attention. “Okay, okay, then I’ll tell them to release you if you promise to keep quiet.”

Dean’s eyes are terrified and damp now, but he puts his hands over Castiel’s and nods, almost manically. “They gonna lemme go?”

“Yes, they will, if you promise to keep quiet, all right?” Castiel repeats. “Promise me, Dean.”

Dean’s gaze starts to wander again. “They shot me.”

“Dean! Dean, pay attention,” Castiel says, patiently. “You’re all right. They’re not going to hurt you. Keep quiet and they’ll let you go. You’re all right.”

“Okay,” Dean finally says, closing his eyes tiredly. He’s panting, and Castiel can see the heart monitor showing how fast his heart is beating. He needs to calm him down or there will be complications, and Castiel can’t even think about them right now.

“Let him go,” Castiel tells the nurses when Dean’s arms go limp. “You can release him now.”

The nurses sigh in relief, but Castiel’s work is not done. “Dean, are you in pain?” he asks, head still close to his.

“Pain… too much, Cas.” Dean looks confused now, but he looks around and seems to understand where he is, at least a little. “Make it stop, please.”

“Cole, I want you to dilute 1 milliliter of morphine in 9 milliliters of distilled water and give him 2 milliliters of the solution.” He knows Dean hates morphine but he needs to get used to it for now, because not only the recovery is usually painful, but also with his agitation, Dean probably moved the leg when he shouldn’t.

“Thanks, Cas, you saved me again,” Dean whispers after a while, a lot calmer now, probably because the morphine is working.

Castiel takes a step back and motions to take his hands off Dean’s face, but Dean’s hands suddenly are over his again. “Don’t go,” the man mumbles, and he opens his eyes a little. “Don’t leave me.”

Cole widens his eyes and leaves the room discretely. Castiel’s mouth drops wide open and he has no reaction for a few seconds. “Dean…” is all he manages.

“Don’t hate me, Cas. Please, don’t.”

Castiel closes his eyes. “I don’t hate you Dean.” He’s glad that Dean won’t remember any of this.

“You do, an’ I deserve it. But- but Cas, Cas, please, don’t hate me.”

“Oh, Dean…” Castiel’s mouth is turned down and he feels… he has no idea how he feels.

“Listen. I didn’t want to. You need t’ know that I didn’t want to. So sorry, Cas, ‘m so sorry.” Dean finally closes his eyes and quiets, leaving Castiel completely flustered.

He takes a deep breath and wills his heart to return to its normal rate. Making sure Dean is really asleep, he leaves the room and finds Cole outside, writing something on Dean’s chart. “Please, check his blood pressure and temperature, and let me know if something goes wrong.”

Cole tilts his head to one side, frowning. Castiel usually leaves the hospital after a big surgery like this. “You want me to call you in case anything changes, doctor?”

“No, I’m not going home now. Just… just page me if something changes.”

Dean wasn’t kidding when he said morphine makes him say stupid things. Because Castiel has never heard anything more stupid than what Dean’s just said. He didn’t want to? He didn’t want to what? To leave? To break Castiel’s heart? To spoil him for any other man he met afterwards? To come back all vulnerable and in need of help? To make Castiel care? To make him feel like a mess again?

There are many things Dean should apologize for. But Castiel doesn’t want to hear his apologies. He wants to go far, far away from this man that makes him feel like he’s inside a tornado, not knowing which direction to go. He doesn’t want to feel anything for Dean. Neither hate nor friendship and even less attraction. He doesn’t want anything with him but the doctor/patient dynamic he’s used to have with everyone he operates on.

The problem is that he can’t forget Dean’s green eyes pleading for help. He can’t forget that Dean doesn’t want Castiel to hate him. And he can’t pretend that he doesn’t feel shaken right now.

He goes to his office and closes the door, collapsing on one of the small couches, covering his eyes with one arm.

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

Dean doesn’t get agitated again. In fact, after a few hours he is transferred to his room and he sleeps through the whole afternoon and night. Cole keeps Castiel update on his state, but Castiel doesn’t go there to see him. Not until it’s already ten PM and he needs to go home, because he hasn’t eaten anything and he knows he needs to sleep. Tomorrow he has work, surgeries and interns and… everything else that makes his day chaotic, just the way he likes it.

He goes to Dean’s room before leaving for the night. The patient is sleeping, breathing steadily, with his head lolled to one side and his arms alongside his body. He’s calm, but even now, his forehead is a little wrinkled, probably in pain. His mother is sitting on the armchair near the door, and Castiel cringes when he sees her, but Mary seems to be absorbed in prayer. There’s a rosary in her hands and her eyes are closed, while she murmurs softly, probably asking for her son to be all right.

“Hello, Mary.” Castiel says quietly, trying not to startle her.

She opens her eyes and her whole face lights up. “Castiel.” she says.

“How is he?” Castiel asks. He already knows, but he asks anyway.

“He hasn’t waken up yet,” she looks at Dean and smiles softly. “But he’s resting; he needs it.”

“Yes, that’s probably because of the painkillers. Don’t worry, his clinical conditions are excellent.”

“I’m not worried, son,” she says. “I just… well, I should be used to this by now. I have been by Dean’s bedside in hospitals a few times. Since he joined the UN troops, he’s been all over the world and… well, soldiers do get hurt, you know.”

“Has he been shot before?” Castiel’s eyes widen, because frankly, it hadn’t occurred to him that this may not be the first time Dean gets hurt.

Mary nods. “Twice. On the chest and belly. Lost his spleen last year.” She sighs, and for the first time Castiel notices that the years have passed for her too. She’s still beautiful, but she looks tired and there are wrinkles around her eyes. “All I can do is pray for him. At least this time it’s not because he was shot or wounded in battle. This time I know he’s going to be all right.”

Castiel feels a cold grip of unjustified fear in his heart. He feels suddenly guilty for wanting Dean to go to the other side of the world when this is over. Who knows how many times he’s been close to dying? He feels the need to go home, to his own room, his own bed, where he can rest and close his eyes and not think about Dean wounded and loosing blood, maybe even dying, in a foreign country with no one to help him.

“I… I’m going home, Mary. I’ll come back early tomorrow to see him, okay?”

“You do that, son,” she smiles a little.

“If anything happens, please call me, all right?” He has no idea what he’s doing, or why he’s putting his card with his cell phone number in her hands, but when he sees her relieved expression, he knows he’s doing the right thing.

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

The next day Dean is looking much better. He’s wide-awake and talking animatedly with his brother when Castiel goes to see him.

“Cas!” Sam Winchester was already tall for his age the last time Castiel saw him, but now he is huge. Castiel isn’t a short man by any means, but Sam is more than a head taller than him. It’s absurd.

When he hugs Castiel – what’s with this family and hugs, anyway? – the doctor feels small, and he pats Sam awkwardly on the back. “How are you, Sam?”

“Fine!” the giant man beams at Castiel. “Even more now that Dean is all right. I came straight from the airport, couldn’t leave San Francisco sooner because of a case.”

Oh. So Sam lives in San Francisco too. The same place Dean lives – or lived, Castiel doesn’t really know. The place where he lived with Lisa. “Yes, um… the surgery was a success. Everything went as it should, the prosthesis is firmly in place and I expect the recovery period to run smoothly.”

“Thanks, doc. I owe you one.” Dean says.

Castiel finally looks at him. He’s smiling hesitantly, as if testing the waters with the doctor. But his eyes are clear, with no trace of pain, and that’s a very good thing. He also doesn’t seem to remember anything that happened in the recovery room or what he said to Castiel, and that’s a huge relief.

“How are you, Dean?” Castiel asks, pleased that Dean is okay. There’s a slight shift in the air between them. Castiel keeps remembering Dean’s ‘don’t hate me’ and Dean seems so grateful for his leg that it’s embarrassing.

“I’m fine, thanks to you. When can I go home?”

“In a couple of days. Your physical therapist will come this afternoon and you’ll start working on the mobility of your leg.”

“So soon?” Sam asks, surprised.

“Yes. The sooner he starts moving, the better. Then, it’s a only a question of strengthening the muscles so you’ll be able to walk without a limp and, of course, without any pain.”

Dean looks happy. “Wow. I thought I still had a couple of months before I could walk.”

“I expect you’ll be walking in a few days. Maybe you’ll need a cane at first, but as the therapy progresses, not even that.”

“Good morning, Mr. Winchester!” says nurse Madison, entering the room. “It’s time for your medicine.”

“Another painkiller?” Dean asks, worriedly.

“Don’t worry, just a mild one.” She smiles, approaching them with a glass of water in hand. When she gets near the bed, Sam, in his hurry to make way for her, almost drops the infusion pump attached to Dean’s arm. Madison runs to help and the two of them get tangled near Dean’s bed. “Oh!” she says, blushing, when Sam’s face is suddenly close to hers.

“Um… sorry,” Sam blushes too, his eyes wide, unable to take his eyes off Madison’s beautiful face.

Dean chuckles when she leaves. “Very suave, Sam. You’re already playing Don Juan? What about that chick, Ruby?”

Sam frowns. “We broke up, jerk.”

“Bitch.”

Suddenly, it’s like old times, and Castiel is watching the brothers and their friendly banter, like he did so many times in the past. It’s a good thing they got to keep it after growing up; some siblings don’t.

“You don’t waste your time, eh, Sammy? Already hitting on the pretty nurse,” Dean jokes.

“I was helping her!” Sam says, indignantly.

“You were helping her all right, with your face so close to hers like that. ‘Gee, Sammy, you are so attentive and helpful!’ ” Dean mocks in falsetto. “What do you think, Cas?” And then Dean seems to realize that he and Cas are not friends, that they are only doctor and patient and that Castiel does not welcome any sort of attempt to be friends again. His face goes very serious suddenly and he pales a little. “I mean, I…” he starts.

And Castiel, the idiot that he is, pities him. Dean looks so embarrassed and dismayed that Castiel wants to fix this right now. “Madison is single, Sam.” He looks at Dean and feels the corners of his mouth lifting on their own accord. When Dean smiles at him, the full Winchester Smile™, Castiel lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “I can… speak well of you, if you want,” he offers.

“Um…” Sam is so red that Castiel wants to laugh. He grew up but he certainly hasn’t changed a bit on the inside; he’s still like an oversized puppy. “Hey, Cas, we should, um, catch up sometime? Talk about the old times?” he says.

Castiel looks at Dean, alarmed, but the man is looking down, picking at his own nails, pretending he’s not there. “Uh, of course, Sam.” Well, what else could he say? He doesn’t want to be indelicate.

“Great!” Sam smiles. “Let me know when you’re free.”

When Castiel leaves Dean’s room, he shakes his head, amazed with his own stupidity. He has an unique capacity of putting himself in awkward situations. Why the hell did he agree to ‘catch up’ with Sam Winchester? What if Sam takes Dean with him? Castiel must be out of his mind, but he feels a chill in his stomach just thinking of the possibility. He needs to force himself to remember that this is not a good thing.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

 

Castiel admits that being Dean’s doctor has left something inside him unsettled, as if the calm and tranquility he’s spent all these years building around his life starts to crack. Every morning, when he goes to see Dean, he never knows what to expect from himself. He doesn’t know if he will act friendly or coldly. But, after the surgery, he’s been acting more on the friendly side. And he hates it.

He hates himself because he’s unable to hate Dean. Ugh.

If he really stops to think about it, what Dean did to him so many years ago doesn’t matter anymore. At least, it shouldn’t. Castiel is a completely different person, and Dean must be different too. Life went on, it should be water under the bridge. Only, it’s not. Castiel feels like a fool for still thinking about that.

Maybe Dean doesn’t even remember how good they used to be together anymore, but Castiel does. They had eighteen, for crying out loud! It’s not normal for a thirty-six year old man to keep himself attached to something that happened so long ago. The thing is, every time Castiel looks at Dean, he can’t stop himself from wondering what it would be like to kiss him. And if he could slap himself for that, he would, but then his face would be permanently red.

He honestly never expected to see Dean Winchester ever again. It would be better for him if he didn’t. Because now that he did, he doesn’t know what to do or how to act around him. And crap, did he have to be so handsome?

It will only get worse, Castiel knows that. What if Dean is staying here in Lawrence after he’s cured and Castiel has to see him now and then? What if he has to see Dean frequently, because of Claire and Ben? Starting to care about him is a possibility Castiel doesn’t want to think about.

Castiel doesn’t want that. He’s actually terrified that this might happen.

Because, if he sees Dean on a regular basis, judging by the way he feels drawn to him, he’ll start ‘caring’. And caring leads to ‘liking’ which leads to ‘lov’- oh, forget it. ‘You already care, asshole,‘ The stupid little voice inside him says. But no, he doesn’t. It’s just the doctor in him, wanting to help someone who needs him. Right? Of course it is.

Damn, it isn’t.

Dean is incredibly handsome, attractive and fun to be around. His old charisma remained untouched by the years. And every time he sees him, Castiel can almost ‘see’ the pull between them. Even when they’re nagging bastards at each other, there’s always something else there, something that’s pulling them to one another and they can’t turn it off.

“Good afternoon. How was your morning?” Castiel stops awkwardly by Dean’s door.

The man in question looks extremely bored. “So so,” he says. “This sucks, man. I know I need to rest, at least until the stitches come off, but staying here is really boring.”

“Where’s Sam?”

“He was here a minute ago, but then the cute nurse came to see my blood pressure and Sam found an excuse to run after her. I think he said he was going to get me more jello. And he knows I hate jello.”

“Everyone knows you hate jello.” Castiel deadpans. “Anyway, I came to see if you want something from the coffee shop down the street.”

Dean raises both eyebrows. “Who are you and what did you do to Dr. Novak?” Dean is accepting Castiel’s change of behavior extremely well. Thank God, because if he asked him why he’s acting this way today, Castiel wouldn’t know what to say.

“I’m just trying to be nice. I know the food here is… less than ideal.”

“I hope you know this is a compliment to the hospital’s food.”

“Okay, I’m on my way. Um, you didn’t tell me if you want anything. You still drink caramel latte?”

“ ‘Course I do. And… you think my doctor will allow me to eat pie?”

“You’re on a very strict diet. Maybe it’s better if you don’t let him know.”

Dean chuckles. “Well, bring me pie, then. Any pie will do. What my doctor doesn’t know doesn’t hurt him.”

… x …

Castiel comes back with the coffee and the pie. Dean’s alone again. “Sam left. He and Ben went to the library, I think. They’re pretty close,” Dean explains.

“Here’s your pie and your coffee.” Castiel puts the paper bag on Dean’s bedside table and arranges the adjoined little table close to his bed, so he can eat without moving his leg.

“Did you eat there?”

Castiel lifts up another paper bag. “No, I missed lunch today, my patient’s femur was very hard to fix.”

“Do you… do you want to sit and eat with me?” Dean says to the floor. “I could use some company, since my brother only came here to flirt with the nurse, apparently.”

Castiel wants to refuse, but well, why not? He and Dean haven’t had any… disagreements since the surgery and it would help to strengthen their doctor/patient relationship.

‘Sure, ‘cause you eat with your patients all the time, especially the attractive ones’, says the stupid little voice inside his head, and he tells it to shut the fuck up and let him enjoy his lunch. He opens his mouth to say he can’t stay, but Dean finally raises his head and looks at him hopefully. And just like that, Castiel gives up fighting, pulls a chair and sits next to the bed.

“So,” Dean starts, munching on his apple pie. “How’s life? I mean, besides being one of the top surgeons of the world?”

“I wouldn’t go that far. But I… I have Claire and…my job. It’s actually pretty busy, I don’t have time for anything else.”

“Oh, come on. What about, um… a boyfriend? Husband? Uh… maybe a girlfriend?”

Oh. So, Dean wants to know if Castiel has someone. This put things on a different perspective. Perhaps his attraction is not one-sided, as he thought. He stores this information for later. “Why would I have a girlfriend? I’m gay, Dean,” he deadpans.

“Dude, you were married. You said that yourself.”

“Ah.” Castiel sighs. It’s not a secret, but it’s not something he likes to talk about. Claire is his daughter, period. “Amelia was my best friend. Long story short, she got pregnant, had no one, boyfriend vanished, she got brain cancer, was dying. We got married so I could register Claire as mine and keep her.”

Dean’s eyes widen. “Wow. You’re very… that was very nice of you.”

“It was the right thing to do. I wouldn’t let them take Claire to adoption.”

“Still. It was very nice. She’s a great girl.”

“Yes, she is.”

Dean opens the lid of the coffee paper cup and proceeds to open several packages of sugar to pour in it. Castiel cringes at the sight. He’s always preferred black coffee.

“What about you?” he asks, because if Dean can ask about his life, so can he. “Anyone special?”

Dean snorts. “Dude, I’ve spent almost ten years out of the States, working. The desert is not exactly the right place to find a partner.”

“It’s really not. But you used to come home, from time to time, right?”

“Only for a few months, to see Ben and the folks. I never had time for a relationship, you know?”

Castiel nods. Now that Dean’s going to leave the Army, maybe he does. Not that it’s Castiel’s business. “Ben must miss you a lot,” is all he can think of saying.

“Yeah. We were always close. But, with my job, I haven’t had much time to share the little things with him, like the first day in High school, the first girlfriend, the first time he fell in love. Things like that, you know?”

“Why did you join the UN?” Castiel’s always been curious about that.

Dean shrugs. “I was at a dead end. Things were boring at work and I didn’t have a home anymore. It was after the, um… the divorce.”

And Castiel’s curiosity is gone. They’re bordering the ‘forbidden zone’ talk, because talking about the divorce leads to Lisa, which leads to why Dean left Castiel, and shouldn’t Castiel be working?”

“I should go. Back to work, I mean.” Castiel gets up abruptly, and the coffee in his hand somehow ends up partially on the floor partially on his pants. “Shit!”

“Oh, crap,” Dean says, but then he starts to laugh. “Sorry, Cas, but you’re as clumsy as ever, huh?”

“Very funny, Dean.” But Castiel starts to smile, because Dean’s laugh is contagious and because now it looks like Castiel just peed in his pants, there’s a big wet spot near his crotch.

“Thank God doctors use a lab coat. Let me see, it’s not that bad.”

Castiel tries to cover his front with the lab coat, but it’s wet too. “I have a set of clean clothes in my office. I use it when patients puke on me or when they bleed on me.”

“Ugh, dude, I didn’t need that mental image. Thanks.”

“I really need to go now.”

“Okay, Cas. See you soon.”

After that, Castiel thinks about Dean for a long time. And about how they were comfortable together, talking and drinking coffee like old friends. And about how Dean fished for information about Castiel’s dating status. And that it’s really nice to realize that Dean is just as interested as Castiel is. Wait. He shouldn’t be thinking about Dean like that, it’s not a good thing. It’s not.

But it’s no use saying this; Castiel remembers the sound of Dean’s laughter for the rest of the day. He’s losing count of how many times he needs to berate himself because of that.

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

Today, when Castiel gets in Dean’s room for another visit, he sees Dean and Benny Lafitte laughing, sitting very close to each other on Dean’s bed, as if they’re old pals and they’re having a good time together.

Benny Lafitte is definitely not a person Castiel likes. There is a rift between them, since the time Castiel arrived at KU Med and Benny and his friends made a bet to see who could make the overly serious doctor go berserk. Benny thinks he’s very funny, but Castiel thinks he’s ridiculous and overly confident. Castiel hates Benny’s jokes. But the man is a competent physical therapist, one of the best, in fact. When he is designated to Dean's case, Castiel can't say he's happy, but he admits that Dean will be in good hands.

But that’s not the point. The point is that when Castiel arrives, Dean is laughing so hard that he’s shaking, and Benny is looking at him with genuine mirth. They look cozy together.

Something inside Castiel snaps. It’s irrational and illogical, but it does.

“Shouldn’t you be working?” he asks Benny, unable to control himself. He knows his comment is unprofessional and out of place, but he can’t help it.

“Relax, doctor!” Benny says with false cheerfulness, getting up. “We were just taking a break.”

Castiel gives him a cold stare. “If you have time to take breaks it’s because your work here is done.”

Benny puts his hands up in a surrender gesture. “I’m leaving, I’m leaving! Don’t get your panties in a twist.”

Castiel’s eyes widen at Benny’s words. “Leave,” he almost grits his teeth. “I’ll talk to you later.”

Benny turns unceremoniously to Dean and winks at him. “See ya later, brother,” he says with his southern accent.

When Benny leaves, Dean turns to Castiel, annoyance clear in his face. “Gee doc, back to being a jerk again? We were just laughing.”

“He’s not paid to laugh. And I need you focusing on your treatment, not spending the time you should be working on your leg… chatting and laughing with Mr. Lafitte.”

“Wow Cas, you’re that jealous?” Dean’s tone is sarcastic.

“Don’t be ridiculous!“ Castiel splutters. He has no idea how Dean has the ability to leave him speechless like that.

“Okay, calm down, I know.” Dean goes on, more serious. “But hey, I’d say I must’ve hit a nerve, for you to act like that.”

Castiel’s brow furrows, and he squints, because he’s starting to see red. What is this thing he and Dean have, that makes them act like that? “It’s just that your behavior is improper for this place. You’re a patient, act like one,” he says coldly.

“You’re a doctor,” Dean retorts. “Pretend that you’re not an asshole. And my behavior is not ‘improper’, you jerk. I’m very proper, just so you know.”

“Mr. Winchester, please cooperate.“ he lets it slip, because when feeling uncomfortable, Castiel always uses his professional persona as a shield.

“Mr. Winchester?” Dean’s mouth is turned down. “We’re back to that too, huh?”

Castiel sighs. He didn’t say that on purpose, even if, deep down, he wants Dean to know that yes, he should still keep his distance. “Dean-“ he starts.

But Dean interrupts him with a huff. “Look, I know you just agreed to take my case because of the kids. I’m trying to be a good patient here, and I’m doing what you asked with the ‘no talking about the past’ thing. But man, one day you act all friendly, bringing me coffee and stopping by to chat; the other day you’re yelling at Benny for laughing with me. What the hell?”

“You listen: You’re the patient here, I’m the doctor. Meaning, I dictate the rules, all of them. Please, try not to flirt with the physical therapist, at least inside this establishment.”

“Flirt? Man, I was only laughing at a joke he told! I hate to break this to you, but you have major control issues.”

Castiel’s eyebrows are raised in surprise. “Maybe I should have referred you to another doctor. This is not working,” he says, coldly.

“Hey, is this really how you treat your patients? You can’t toss me aside like that!”

“I don’t owe you anything. I treat you as I treat any other patient.”

“Wow, then I pity them. Your people skills suck.”

“You- “ This is escalating quickly, and coming apparently out of nowhere. All Castiel did was to call Benny’s attention because he can’t be too friendly with a patient like he was with Dean. Can’t the man see Castiel is only ensuring that people mantain proper behavior inside the hospital?

“If you’re an asshole to the people who work with you, I can only imagine how you treat your patients. But gee doc, it means I’m getting the VIP treatment, right? Because with me you upgraded to the cold son-of-a-bitch treatment.”

Castiel tilts his head, mockingly thoughtful “I see you’re still self-absorbed. The world doesn’t revolve around you, Dean. Why would I change to please you?”

“You know what? Go ahead, ‘refer me to another doctor’! If you can’t even look at me, it’s better this way. I’m tired of this, Cas.”

“And you think I’m not?”

They look at each other with clear animosity. Dean shakes his head, impatient. “I didn’t know Ben would take me to you. I didn’t know his girlfriend was your daughter. You knew it. You could have done something to stop this, and you didn’t.”

“I found out one day before you came! What did you want me to do?”

“Hell if I know! Maybe you should have called another doctor from the start, I don’t know.”

Castiel snaps. “Oh, yes, it’s easy to talk now, that your leg is good as new!”

If looks could kill, Castiel would be dead on the floor. “Since you wanna pose as the do-gooder, go ahead. Your job is done. Everyone knows how great you are. Since you can’t stand me, call another doctor, I don’t care anymore. Tell everyone you’re getting rid of me, I wonder what your daughter will have to say about that.”

Now Castiel is seeing red. “Oh, and should I also tell her why I can’t stand you?”

“If you want!” Dean says angrily. “I have nothing to hide, man.”

“Oh, and you think I care?”

“I don’t think anything, Cas. I don’t know how Dr. Novak, the saint, lives his life. All I know is that you turned into a cold bastard. You’re nothing like the Cas I remember. ”

Castiel gives a humorless laugh. “You probably have no idea why, right?”

Dean’s face turns from angry to serious in less than a second. And Castiel, surprised, sees that he’s genuinely sorry. For what – for what he said now or for what he did then – Castiel doesn’t know.

Dean is quiet when he speaks, his voice low. “I honestly don’t. Because I know I was a bastard to you. I know that, all right? I can’t undo what I did. But it was a long time ago. Don’t act like I ruined your life, ‘cause you clearly have no idea what it means to have your life ruined. Look where you are now, you clearly moved on.”

“You moved on too. Before me, actually.”

Dean closes his eyes and shakes his head slowly, sighing. “I know it’s been eighteen years, Cas. Fuck, we were kids and half the time we didn’t know what we were doing. I know things were great then, and how they sucked later. And maybe they suck even more now. I’m not asking you to forgive me. I just… sometimes… we make a wrong choice, or a series of wrong choices, and it fucks with our whole lives, you know? I just… you’re not the one who has to live with regret and remorse, Cas. That’s me.”

Castiel deflates. He suddenly feels very, very tired. Talking about this makes him sick. He doesn’t want to hear Dean talking about regret. He just can’t. It makes him want things he can’t have. “Please, stop. You said you were doing what I asked. I told you, it’s my condition.”

“Since you’re getting rid of me, your terms don’t exist anymore.”

“I’m…” Castiel takes a deep breath. “I’m not referring you to a colleague. I’m finishing what I started, Dean. I’ll keep being your doctor. If you allow me.”

Dean’s mouth drops open. “You will?”

Yes. He will. He has no idea why. All he knows is that he doesn’t hate Dean. He’s not forgiven him, exactly, but he sees, for the first time, that maybe, one day, he will. Hating Dean will not make Castiel feel better.

The thing Dean’s just said, that a wrong decision can fuck up someone’s life… Castiel understands, because he can see that choosing his resentment for Dean, like he did for so many years, he closed himself to life. He avoided any other relationship that came his way through the years, blaming his work, blaming Claire, even, when in truth he was afraid to get hurt again. And what does the great Dr. Castiel Novak has now, besides his work and his daughter? Practically nothing.

Dean chose to break Castiel’s heart. But it was Castiel who chose not to recover from the heartbreak. He sees that now.

And yes, maybe, just maybe, he was a little jealous of Dean and Benny.

And even if he doesn’t want to talk about the past, he can see Dean is just as hurt. Just as lonely. Because of whatever wrong choices he made, Dean is unhappy. And, God help him, Castiel doesn’t want to add to this man’s sorrow.

“I will. And when you get better, maybe we can have a normal conversation, one without so much…” he shrugs, helplessly.

“Grief?” Dean offers, tentatively.

“Maybe we can start over. As if we met today.”

“Maybe,” Dean says, his voice shaking a little.

“I don’t know how to act around you anymore,” Castiel confesses, in a moment of insanity.

“I know. You changed a lot. But I changed too, Cas. I just want you to remember that. You’re not the only one walking on quicksand here.”

“Okay. I’ll try.” Castiel gives him a sad smile. “See you tomorrow, Dean.”

Dean mirrors his expression. “See ya, Cas.”

Castiel stops at the door. “And Dean? I don’t hate you. I never could.”

Dean takes a shaky breath and nods, but he doesn’t say anything.

“But…” Castiel looks at the green eyes that meant so much to him once. “Try not to hate yourself. It’s… pointless.”

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

_“I broke up with Lisa,” Dean said._

_“Again?” Castiel asked, uninterested. This had been happening almost every month, since senior year started: Dean and Lisa fought, broke up, and always made up a few days later. Dean said it was complicated, and Castiel never asked for details._

_He was in love with the guy. Knowing about his love life with Lisa Braeden was the last thing he wanted._

_Today was Thanksgiving, and Castiel had just had the best meal of his entire life: turkey with bacon sauce, mashed potatoes, green beans salad, cherry pie, chocolate-chip cake. He never cared too much about food, but he had to admit that today he ate more than he used to. Dean, of course, ate like a king, or, dared Castiel say it, like a pig. Castiel didn’t mind Dean’s lack of manners; it was endearing, even._

_John was on a business trip – on Thanksgiving? Highly improbable – so the Winchester family, plus Bobby Singer and Castiel, had a really good time. Castiel felt really at home in this house._

_Today, though, Dean apparently wanted to talk about Lisa and, since Castiel was feeling too full to react, he let him. They were in Dean’s room, and one of Dean’s favorite songs, Ramble On, was playing. They were both lying on Dean’s bed like they used to and, since it was winter, Dean’s thick duvet was over them._

_“This time is for good. Her father was transferred to San Francisco. She moved last Sunday.”_

_Oh. That’s why Castiel hadn’t seen her at school. “I’m… sorry?” he said, because Dean didn’t look heartbroken, although he looked sad._

_Dean shrugged. “It’s fine. We broke up weeks ago.”_

_“I know, but still. You like her.”_

_“Well, yes. But not as a girlfriend, not anymore. I care about her, but we’ve been over for some time.” Dean sighed. He clearly had a problem, and now Castiel wanted to know, because maybe he could help? Even if only listening. “But, the thing is that she wanted to get back together and try a long-distance thing. I … I told her I can’t. Things like that never work. And I really don’t want to. And she got really upset, man.”_

_Now Dean was starting to look distressed and Castiel didn’t know what to do. Well, shit, Castiel felt jealous of Lisa kissing Dean, clinging to his neck, leaving lipstick on his collar… of course he did. But he had never wanted this. He had never wanted her to simply go away._

_“She’ll get over it,” was all he could offer. “I’ve heard California is cool.”_

_“Probably,” Dean said. “But… this is not the worst part. I like Lisa, and I swear I’m sad that she had to move but… I’m not in love with her. To be honest… I don’t think I ever was. And I feel…” he sighed again._

_Castiel understood. “And you feel guilty that you’re not so sad, as you expected, now that she moved?”_

_“That too. I’m sadder for Lisa, because she was crying, than for me, you get it? I… I’ve been trying to end things between us, for good, for some time. But I always ended up saying yes when she asked to get back together. I don’t even know why. Now I feel horrible because … I’m kind of… relieved.”_

_There was more, Castiel could feel it. But he didn’t ask. He looked at the ceiling, and waited. Dean would talk when he was ready. Besides, he didn’t feel exactly comfortable knowing these much details about Dean and Lisa. He felt like he was intruding, even if Dean was the one telling him everything._

_If Dean knew how Castiel felt about him, this would be awkward as hell. Sure, he knew Castiel was gay, but it was never an issue, thank God. But Castiel was not sure what would happen to their friendship if Dean knew Castiel loved him._

_Dean started talking again, after some time. “The thing is… I fucked up. I fucked up big this time. And… I don’t know, man, I’m feeling guilty.”_

_“You’re not guilty for not being in love with her. We can’t choose who we fall for.” And oh, how Castiel knew that, didn’t he?_

_“No, no. You don’t understand. Lisa was crying a lot, she didn’t want to go, she wanted us to make up, and I kept saying no over and over, but she wouldn’t listen. She… really wanted to try the long-distance relationship. And… well, I hated that she was crying and… she said she loved me and I just… couldn’t say it back. I held her close for a long time and… she started to get really clingy, and I didn’t know how to stop her.”_

_“Oh, Dean…” Castiel could imagine where this was going._

_“We were in her bedroom, and… shit, I shouldn’t have done that, I know it was a big mistake, but… what the fuck, I’m only seventeen, what the hell, I’m not made of stone; she started kissing me and she took off her blouse and…”_

_Castiel felt his cheeks reddening. “I don’t need the details, Dean.”_

_“Yeah, sorry,” Dean’s cheeks reddened too. “Shit, I’m gonna just say it: we went all the way, Cas. And… it was her first time. And I feel like crap for sleeping with her when I don’t even love her and when I’m not gonna be around anymore. She deserves better than this.”_

_“You mean you had never… but you dated for so long…”_

_“Yeah, everyone thinks we’ve already done it. Sure, we messed around a lot, but… we had never done everything, you know? Not all the way. And I just… I feel like I… took something important from her. When I should have, I don’t know, been more responsible. She didn’t deserve her first time to be a– a goodbye.”_

_Wow. Dean had really fucked up. But hey, Lisa wanted to, she even started it, didn’t she? “It takes two to have sex, Dean,” Castiel reasoned. “If she wanted it too... it’s not entirely your fault.”_

_“She wanted it alright. She started it. But maybe, I don’t know, I could have talked to her, stopped her. She was crying a lot. It was… it wasn’t even good. It was… depressing. God, what a mess.”_

_“You can’t feel guilty about something that you didn’t do alone. If this was a bad decision, it was hers too.”_

_Dean gave a long sigh. “I guess you’re right. Maybe. I dunno.”_

_“Wait. You used protection, didn’t you?”_

_“Yeah, I- “ Dean coughed. “Of course I did.” He cleared his throat. “Look, let’s not talk about this again, okay? Water under the bridge.”_

_“You started it.”_

_“I know, dumbass. I just wanted your opinion.”_

_“You have it now.”_

_And they never talked about Lisa again._

_Until Dean changed his mind, decided he was really in love with Lisa, and left Castiel alone to go after her in San Francisco_.

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

Castiel doesn’t go to Dean’s room again to chat. All his visits are friendly, but professional. It feels safer. He wasn’t lying when he said he doesn’t know how to act around him. He feels attracted to Dean, he wants to strangle him, to shake him and demand explanations for something he did almost two decades ago, to kiss him, to talk and laugh with him like the old times, to slap him. All of these things at the same time.

The day he’s supposed to take off the stitches arrives. Dean’s leg is not swollen anymore, and the scar is still red, but healing well and with no sign of infection.

“Things are really progressing in the best possible way. Your recovery is exceeding my expectations,” he tells Dean.

The next thing he sees is Ben hugging him. “Thank you, Mr. Novak. You’re the best.”

He blushes, and watches Dean pretending to yawn to hide a smile. Claire came today, and Mary and Sam. They’re all very happy. Castiel has already signed Dean’s release from the hospital. Now all he has to do is to come for physical therapy every other day.

“Picture!” Mary exclaims, grabbing Dean’s cell phone. She takes a picture of Sam and Dean together, then one of Ben and Claire, and all the possible combinations between the five of them, Mary herself included. Castiel smiles politely while he finishes the last notes in Dean’s charts.

“Cas! Come take a picture with us!” Castiel looks up, alarmed, and Sam is beaming at him.

“I don’t look good in pictures,” he still tries.

But before he can say anything, Claire is pulling him, and now he’s beside Dean, who’s sitting awkwardly on the bed, with Claire and Ben on each side. Claire grabs his phone and takes a picture too, and what the hell would he do with a picture of Dean Winchester on is phone? He says goodbye as fast as he can, after that, and runs to his office to hide.

Only then he has the courage to look at the picture. Castiel, of course, looks pained and too formal, standing straight, like a robot, in his lab coat. Ben and Claire are smiling at the camera. And Dean… Dean is looking at Castiel with a soft smile on his lips.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

 

A few days later, Claire comes home with a huge smile on her face. “Dad! Guess what! We’re invited to the Winchester’s for Thanksgiving!”

Oh God, no.

“But- “ Castiel starts. “But what about our own family?”

Claire puts her hands on her hips. “Dad, you know that Grandma and uncles Sam and Gabe are going to Brazil to meet Kali’s family!”

Yes, now he remembers, Kali is Gabriel’s long-time girlfriend. They live together, and Gabe has wanted to propose to her for a long time. Only, her parents live in Rio and Gabe’s planning this trip to meet them and ask for Kali’s hand. Naomi and Samandriel are going too. Castiel was invited, but he has work and, well… he really doesn’t want to go. Rio is a place he would like to visit with a significant other. Since he doesn’t have one, he’d rather stay in Lawrence. He promises himself he’ll be there for Gabriel’s wedding.

That means he has no reason to refuse the Winchester’s invitation. “I still need to see if I’ll be on call at the ER.” No one can blame him for trying to escape what he is sure will be an awkward situation.

“You were on call last year, and it means this year’s not your turn. You’ll be on call on New Year’s Eve. You told me, Dad.“

Oh-oh… Shit. He really has nowhere to run. “Okay, Claire. Tell them we’ll be there.” Castiel gives up. It seems everything is conspiring against him. Whatever. He’ll deal with it. He’s strong, isn’t he?

Besides, his interactions with Dean are getting better. It’s true that they’d only saw each other twice since Dean was released from the hospital. Both times, during Dean’s follow-up consultations, and Sam was there. But it’s clear that there’s an almost truce between them. A tentative starting over, only they never talked about it besides that day they ‘fought’. Not that Castiel wants to talk. What matters is that things are better, and for now, it’s okay.

He doesn’t feel so anxious around Dean anymore, since that day. He doesn’t want to examine why. It seems he’s getting very good at denial, at hiding things he doesn’t want to face, under the rug.

…

The Winchester’s house is the same. It looks bigger, though. It clearly went through some renovations. There’s a porch now, and it seems that the front yard has more flowers. It’s still well cared for, just as it always was. It looks well loved and lived in, instead of old.

Mary opens the door with a huge smile. “You came! Welcome!” she says, pulling Castiel in for a hug. This time he hugs her willingly, because he genuinely likes her.

He can’t say the same for John Winchester, though. Castiel doesn’t like him. The man left his family for another woman, even had another son with her. Then, when Dean was fifteen, he came back and Mary took him in again. She either must be a saint or she loves him very much. John and his kids never got along since he left, and the boys grew up without a father figure.

Things didn’t fix themselves when John came back to his family. Dean often claimed that John didn’t know him and Sam. Besides, John gave Dean a really hard time when Dean came out as bisexual to his family.

But Castiel’s feelings for John aren’t only because of Dean. John was always rude to Castiel. Always. As if he was to blame because Dean was dating a guy. As if he was guilty because Dean broke up with Lisa – a girl! – to stay with him, when in fact, they broke up before Castiel even knew Dean liked him back. Well… in the end Dean and Lisa got married, didn’t they?

Castiel is decided to not let John treat him bad this time. And he won’t tolerate if the man is nothing but polite to Claire either.

But, John comes and shakes his hand, and his face is serious but without the usual coldness in it. He even gives Castiel the hint of a smile when he says “Thank you for what you did for Dean.” It’s such a radical change that Castiel is speechless for a few seconds.

“Uh… You don’t need to thank me,” he finally blurts out, not knowing what else to say.

But his mouth almost drops open when John hugs – hugs! – Claire. “Hello, sweetheart,” the man says. Claire smiles and hugs him back, with the same warmth she hugs Mary.

Well, wonders never cease.

Sam is there and – Castiel is not even one bit surprised – nurse Madison Wolf is there too, apparently as his date. The guy works fast, Castiel has to admit. He likes Madison; she’s a good girl, sweet, attentive and a competent professional. Sam is like a huge Teddy bear. They make a beautiful couple.

“Hello, doctor,” Madison blushes when Castiel shakes her hand.

“Please, call me Castiel,” he says.

Sam puts his arm around Castiel’s shoulders. “Hi, Cas. Glad you came.”

Ben interrupts them when he pats Castiel on the back like an old friend. “Hello, Mr. Novak! Welcome!” His smile is happy, and even if he’s very different from Dean, the smile is the same: contagious and happy.

Castiel couldn’t have hoped for a warmer greeting from the whole family. He must confess he’s a little stunned by it. But one person is missing; the same person Castiel doesn’t want to see – and, at the same time, wants to see more than anyone. He looks around, looking for-

“Hiya, Cas.”

Castiel looks up, and Dean is there, walking towards him. He’s using a cane, but it’s clear it’s more for his own safety than for really needing it. It’s been two weeks since Castiel last saw him, and he was starting to take his first steps alone then. But now he is walking, albeit slowly, and he’s not limping. It’s really good to see him like this. He looks confident, proud of being able to walk and he’s smiling.

He’s beautiful.

“Hello Dean,” Castiel says.

Den stops in front of him. “What do you think, doc?” he motions for the cane. “Can I get rid of this?”

“It looks like you can.” Castiel feels himself smiling. He doesn’t even try to fight it. Dean, for the first time, resembles the confident guy Castiel met at High school.

“Hey princess,” Dean says to Claire when she steps close to her father. “How ya doing?”

On the whole, it’s a good afternoon. The food is delicious; Mary outdid herself. There’s so much food that Castiel can’t help but have a small portion of each dish.  
The conversation during lunch is light and friendly. Dean and Sam’s banter is the same as always, but now and then John joins them, and wow, their dynamic really changed. There’s genuine affection between father and sons now. Castiel asks himself when and why did that change. Not that it’s his business, but it’s something good to see. It kind of gives Castiel hope in humanity. If John Winchester can change, anyone can.

If Castiel thought that having him and Claire at the Winchester’s Thanksgiving would be an awkward event, he was wrong. Claire fits as if she’s always belonged with them. And Castiel, who generally feels like a fish out of water, except at his home and the hospital, feels surprisingly at ease. And he remembers another Thanksgiving many, many years ago in this same house, when he felt just at home as he’s feeling now. It was unusual then, it’s still unusual now. He asks himself why he feels so comfortable around these people.

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

After lunch they all gather at the porch for coffee and Sam starts to tell stories from some of the most bizarre cases he was designated to. After a while, Mary drags John inside to help her with the dishes. Sam and Madison leave, saying they have some friends to visit, but they probably just want to be alone. Claire and Ben say they’re going to Krissy’s house – her family is having a barbecue by the pool and they are invited.

Castiel and Dean watch Ben and Claire getting inside the Impala, each man lost in their own thoughts. It’s amazing that the old car is still looking good and, more important, running. Ben is driving it for now, since Dean still can’t.

“You tool good care of the car,” Castiel finally says, remembering the road trips in Dean’s beloved car.

“Nah, it wasn’t me. It was Dad.”

Castiel raises his eyebrows. “Really? I’m surprised.” The car had been John’s once, but it was abandoned in Bobby’s garage until Dean restored it. He simply loved the car, which he called “Baby”, and everyone in High School knew it was his most prized possession.

“I, um…” Dean clears his throat. “I left the car here when I went to… “ He sighs. “Anyway, Baby stayed here. Dad took care of her for me.

“He did a good job,” Castiel says, as if he didn’t notice that Dean was going to mention his leaving to California.

“Yeah, but not at first. I worked at Slab Creek Dam, a hydroelectric power plant east of Sacramento. But, um… after the… the divorce, I quit, and started working at the United Nations and joined the troops soon after. Dad flipped shit.”

“Well, it’s only natural he got worried.”

“He more like, freaked out, man. He went to San Francisco the first time I was on leave after my… the first time I was shot, in Africa. I lost my spleen then. Man, Dad almost ripped me a new asshole. He yelled so much that the doctors called security. He said I was killing myself and kept asking me ‘why’ and… I didn’t know what to tell him, so I yelled back, called him a shitty dad, the whole shebang.”

“Wow. I can’t even imagine you two talking.” It’s really hard to imagine Dean and John talking like adults. They barely looked at each other when Dean came out.

Dean is on the recliner with his leg propped on some pillows. He looks calm and at ease, but his voice is strained, as if it hurts to remember the facts. “You mean yelling, right? I don’t think there was much talking involved. Anyway, he deserved to hear some truths.”

“You don’t have to tell me.”

“It’s okay. I don’t mind. Anyway, I think he needed to hear everything I had to say, even if it was a pretty ugly fight. And I guessed it worked, somehow, because the next year, I came home for Christmas and Baby was here, shining as new. And Dad… well, you saw the change for yourself.”

Castiel nods slowly. “If I hadn’t seen with my own eyes, I wouldn’t believe.”

“I know, right?” Dean smiles then, and shit, he’s thirty six, like Castiel, but he’s still the most beautiful human being Castiel has ever seen.

Castiel wants so much to kiss him it hurts. Castiel also wants to run to Timbuktu and never come back, because he’s a stupid moron, that’s what he is. He wants to slap himself, because after so much time, he still allows Dean to have this effect on him.

When Sam comes back, alone, two hours later, Castiel and Dean are still talking. Castiel is telling him one of Gabriel’s most memorable episodes: the time one of the actors – from the porn film company – got sick and Gabriel decided to take his place. He used a fake mustache, which was so ridiculous that the actress working with him could not stop laughing, and none of the takes filmed that day were any good.

Sam smiles fondly when he sees Dean laughing. He looks at his brother just the way he used to when he was little: with love and admiration. It’s no secret that when he was growing up, Dean, and not John, was his hero. “Hey, Cas, you want a beer?” he asks.

“Sure, why not?” Castiel is not working today, so there’s no problem.

“Hey bitch, I want one too.”

Sam rolls his eyes. “Come with me, Cas, let’s bring this jerk some pie too.”

In the kitchen, Sam opens the refrigerator. “We have Budweiser and Corona Extra.”

“Corona, please.” Castiel sits by the kitchen table and watches Sam cutting a big piece of pie for Dean, warming it in the microwave and putting some vanilla ice cream on top.

“Hey, Cas…” Sam starts hesitantly. “I… I want to thank you, man.”

“For what?” If Sam is going to thank him for Dean’s leg again, Castiel is going to leave him talking and go back to the porch. Right. Now. Seriously, how many times a person can thank you before you begin to feel uncomfortable?

Sam looks briefly at Castiel and then at the floor, his lips pursed. “You’re talking to him. It’s… something I thought I would never see again.”

Castiel’s breath hitches at that. He has no idea what Dean told Sam about their break up, and he’s really not in the mood to talk about it. “Sam,” he starts.

Sam raises his hands. “It’s okay, I… I’m not going to talk about it, Cas. I swear. I just want to… Dean’s been through a lot. I haven’t always agreed with his, um… decisions, but I’ve always had his back. And I… seeing him like this, not only with his leg on the mend, but… really smiling, you know? Not the fake smile he puts up for us all the time, but the real one. It’s… it’s huge.”

“Sam, please.” If Sam is saying that Dean is happy because of Castiel, he doesn’t want to hear it. He can’t hear it, because he knows himself, he knows he’ll end up wanting to spend more time with Dean, and he’s not sure this is a wise thing to do.

“No, no, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I’m just happy that my brother stopped running away, that’s all. “

“Hey, bitch!” comes Dean’s voice from the living room. “Why you taking so long?”

“You weren’t supposed to get up, jerk!” Sam replies loudly.

“I need to exercise my leg, you know. What do you - Oooohh!” Dean walks in slowly but without the cane, and his eyes literally shine when he sees the pie. “This is for me, right?”

“Yes Dean,” Sam rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. “Who else eats like that?”

“Hey, this is better than that rabbit food of yours! ‘How you get so big eating food of this kind?’ ” Dean quotes Yoda, imitating an old man’s voice, and Sam chuckles.

“Yeah, yeah, let's see who will not have hypertension or diabetes when they get old, asshole.” Sam’s reply is in a mocking tone, but everyone knows he’s been worrying at Dean’s eating habits since forever.

Dean sits in front of Castiel as Sam puts the plate before him. He takes a forkful of the pie and his eyes shine He lets out a truly pornographic moan, eyes closing in pleasure. “This is awesome.”

Castiel definitely did not need that. Shit. He’s been quiet, just watching the two brothers interact, and now he feels his cheeks reddening and his face is suddenly very, very hot. He thanks God – in fact he thanks everyone up in Heaven – that he isn’t getting hard right now, because it would be mortifying, to say the least.

He’s definitely not immune to Dean Winchester. He’s not sure there will ever come a time when he’ll be.

 

SPN SPN SPN SPN

 

Christmas comes faster than Castiel imagined. He’s not a particular fan, but Claire is, so his family – now back from Brazil – will gather at his house for lunch tomorrow. But today is Christmas Eve and Claire, of course, wants to be with Ben. The Winchesters invite him too, but Castiel declines. He craves solitude, sometimes, especially these days, when his thoughts have been so chaotic and confusing.

He remembers the first Christmas he spent with Claire. She was barely six months old, and Amelia had been dead for just as long. He came home for the holidays with a daughter and no idea what he’d do with his life. He was still in college. How would he take care of a baby? He was anxious, scared and heartbroken, because Amelia was his best friend and now she was dead. He missed her a lot, even more because every time he looked at Claire he saw her.

Claire had been a breath of fresh air in his life. She had given him purpose, a reason to wake up every morning and deal with the world. Before she came, every day was a struggle to Castiel, every day he needed to convince himself to leave bed and go to college, study, call his family to assure them that yes, he was alive and fine, study more, tidy his bedroom, work at the coffee shop, study again. Repeat.

Life felt like a never-ending string of meaningless tasks that left him feeling hollow and extremely tired. Amelia had saved him then, because she was always so full of life that Castiel’s perpetual grumpiness never lasted too long around her. In some aspects, Amelia was like Dean had been: facing every day as if life was an adventure.

Better not to think about Dean. It seems all that Castiel does lately have something to do with the green-eyed man.

Anyway, for Claire, Castiel made himself step out of the giant hole he was in, one that threatened to eat him alive. He vowed to make his house a happy place, because no way Claire would grow up in a silent house, a place full of ghosts and sorrow. He put on a happy face, for her, and slowly, inch-by-inch, she filled the empty places in his heart with love and tenderness. Claire saved him, just like her mother had.

He would never regret keeping Claire, ever. If he had to go through everything again, he would, just to have her by his side.

But that first Christmas, when she was still a baby and woke up every night crying – as if sensing that her mother would never be there to feed her or change her diapers – Castiel spent the night crying, under the covers at his old bedroom, while his mother tried to calm Claire down.

Now, Castiel reflects, Claire is a beautiful, tender, well-adjusted teenager. He’s not one to brag, but he knows he did a good job raising her. Today is Christmas Eve and she’s having fun with her boyfriend and his family. She’s happy, she’s with people who care about her and Castiel couldn’t want anything better than happiness for her. Right now, all seems well in the world.

He sits on the sofa and turns on the TV. It’s a Wonderful Life is on. Castiel has seen this movie so many times that he knows almost every line by heart. He pours red wine into a glass and sinks against the cushions, pulling a blanket over himself. He’ll wait until Claire comes home, so he can sleep. It’s barely nine, she has at least an hour and a half until her curfew. As soon as he snuggles against the pillow, his eyes drift shut and sleep comes without him realizing it.

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

_When December came, Castiel realized it would be the first Christmas without his dad, and he didn’t want to imagine how sad it was going to be. Until now, to Castiel and his brothers, the holidays were a time of happiness, of presents, of good food. But most of all, a time his family spent together._

_Christmas break was coming fast and, even though Castiel wasn’t anxious for Christmas per se, it was great to see Dean so excited. Apparently, Christmas was his favorite part of the year. There would be a party at his house, and all his extended family would be there. – “Mom will make three kinds of pie, Cas!” – Mary had invited Castiel and his family, but none of them was in the mood for parties, it would be too painful._

_“You sure you don’t wanna come?” Dean asked on Christmas Eve._

_“Mom’s not well and… “ Castiel shrugged, leaving the sentence unfinished. It was a hard time for him too._

_“Yeah, I know,” Dean sighed. “Still, I wish you could be there, Cas. Maybe I can come over after the party?”_

_“Don’t worry. I’m fine.”_

_Sure, he was fine, but it didn’t stop the Novak’s Christmas from being a sad affair. Naomi made some roast beef and Gabriel baked a chocolate cake, and that was all. They ate quietly, talking softly to each other, almost afraid to disturb the peace, or worse, afraid to make their mother cry._

_By the end of the day, Castiel felt emotionally drained. He stayed awake long after everyone went to bed, even Gabriel. His heart felt heavy, as if he were about to cry but the tears were stuck somewhere and wouldn’t come. He went to the living room, where the small Christmas tree’s lights left shadows and strange forms on the bare walls. He finally decided to turn the TV on, and he sat on the old couch to watch ’ It’s a Wonderful Life’._

_He heard a knock on the door. Looking at his watch, he saw it was past eleven, and he wondered who could it be. They weren’t expecting anyone, even more this late. It couldn’t be a thief, he reasoned with himself, because thieves didn’t knock. He got close to the door and asked, “Who’s there?”_

_“It’s me, Cas, open up,” said Dean from the other side._

_Castiel hurried to let Dean inside. It was cold, and the weather channel said there would be snow tonight._

_“Hey, Cas,” Dean said, softly, when Castiel opened the door. “How’s it going?”_

_Castiel only shrugged, pursing his lips._

_“That bad, huh?” Dean asked, getting inside and closing the door behind him. “You alone?” He took Castiel by the hand and led him to the couch, where he sat by his side. “Want me to watch TV with you?”_

_Castiel gave a long, heavy sigh. “Yes, please.” One of the good things about his friendship with Dean was that they didn’t have to explain things to one another. Castiel was obviously feeling down, and Dean didn’t ask him any stupid questions. He just made sure Castiel knew he was there._

_“C’mere,” Dean said, and his eyes were shining in the dim lights. He pulled Castiel to him and wrapped him in a warm hug._

_They stayed like that, in silence, watching an old Christmas movie, while the snow finally started to fall outside. Castiel had no notion of how long he stayed like that, in the warmth of Dean’s arms, feeling safe and cared for. It felt so, so good that he ended up falling asleep with his head resting on Dean’s shoulder._

_He woke up with a start, when the clock on the wall struck midnight. He and Dean were laying on the couch, still holding each other, Castiel’s head still on Dean’s shoulder, and Castiel himself practically on top of Dean, who was… fast asleep. He probably should feel awkward, being on top of his friend while he was vulnerable like this, but it didn’t feel strange at all. Nothing in that moment, in Castiel’s opinion, could feel more right._

_Castiel stared at Dean, and they were so, so close, that Castiel just had to incline his head a little and his lips would be on Dean’s. Instead, he marveled at Dean’s long eyelashes, at the freckles on his nose and cheeks, at the way the lights danced on his beautiful, relaxed face, and his heart squeezed a little inside his chest. Shit. He loved him. He really, really loved him._

_As if sensing he was being stared at, Dean opened his eyes slowly. “Hey, sleepy head,” he said softly._

_“Sleepy head?” Castiel mumbled, frowning a little. “You were sleeping too,” He said, still on top of Dean, neither showing any signs of wanting to move._

_“You slept first,” Dean insisted._

_“You slept more,” Castiel retorted._

_“I did, huh?” Dean smirked. “Dude, you were watching me sleep?”_

_“Maybe,” Castiel admitted._

_“That’s… creepy, Cas.”_

_“I - I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I just – “_

_“No, it’s alright. I… um… it’s late. Maybe I should go. Mom will be worried sick. It’s a good thing I live down the street.”_

_They extricated themselves from each other slowly, almost as if they didn’t want to let go. Without Dean’s arms around him, Castiel realized that the living room was cold; he just hadn’t felt the cold until now. He hugged himself and walked Dean to the door._

_“Thank you for coming,” was all he said._

_Dean suddenly put his hands in his pants’ front pockets, looking nervous. “Look Cas… I… I wanted to tell you something; I came here for that, actually, but… I’m not sure this is the right time. So, um… could we, um… talk tomorrow?”_

_Castiel’s eyes widened, alarmed. “What happened?”_

_“Nothing bad, I promise.”_

_“Then tell me now,” Castiel insisted. Whatever it was, it must be important, because Dean had come here at this time of night for that._

_“I’m not sure I should.” Dean bit his lip and eyed Castiel hesitantly. “What if you-“_

_Castiel crossed his arms, impatient. “Dean. I just literally drooled on your shirt. I fell asleep on you. Nothing can be more embarrassing than that.”_

_Dean smirked and looked at his shirt, which was still wet near the sleeve. “Yeah, all right.” He took a deep breath. “Cas, this may seem a little sudden but I… um. I love you.”_

_Castiel smiled. Of course Dean loved him; they were best friends. “And I love you, Dean. Now, what did you want to tell me?”_

_“Huh?” Dean looked surprised. “Is that all you have to say?”_

_Castiel tilted his head to one side. “Um… yes?” he tapped his foot on the floor. “And I’m still waiting. What do you want to tell me?”_

_Dean blinked several times and shook his head slightly, seeming a bit exasperated. “Cas, you didn’t get it, did you?”_

_“What, Dean?” Castiel was loosing his patience here._

_“I already told you, Cas!” Dean lost his patience too. He threw his hands up, as if giving up, and he said loudly, “God, you’re really dense. I love you, like… I’m in love with you, you moron!”_

_Everything stopped. Castiel stopped breathing, his brain stopped functioning, even the world stopped turning. “You what?” he asked, incredulous._

_Dean seemed to loose his nerve. “I, uh… I love you? Not as a friend, but – well, I do love you as a friend, but the thing is, since I met you I just – please, don’t say anything now, you can take all the time you need to think about it, and if you just like me as a friend, it’s all right too, because I don’t mind if – well, of course I’ll mind, but it’s not like I’m going to be angry at you if you don’t love me back and-“_

_“Dean!” Castiel said, loudly. “Stop!”_

_Dean’s mouth shut with a snap. His eyes were wide and he was pale and – was that sweat on his brow?_

_Castiel gave him a half-smile. “You’re babbling.”_

_“Uh… yeah, I guess I am.”_

_Castiel took a deep breath and tentatively, put one hand on Dean’s arm. “You’re not joking, are you?” His voice was trembling, but what the hell; this could be the most important moment of his life so far._

_“About this?” Dean shook his head vehemently and put a hand over Castiel’s. “I would never joke about something like this, Cas. I’m in love with you.”_

_Castiel’s heart was beating so fast that he was afraid it would stop any minute now. They shifted, Dean took a step forward and he was so close now that Castiel could feel the puffs of his breath on his face. “I – I love you too. As in, I’m – I’m in love with you,” he croaked, his throat suddenly dry._

_Dean smiled softly. “Can I kiss you?”_

_Castiel sighed and nodded, putting his hands on Dean’s shoulders._

_And slowly, softly, almost like a feather, Dean’s lips touched his. Just a barely there touch, that lasted only a few seconds. “Merry Christmas, Cas,” Dean whispered._

_Castiel was in a daze. “Merry Christmas,” he said back, but his head was spinning. He wanted to pinch himself to be sure this wasn’t a dream. He had wanted this for so, so long, but he had never dared to hope. He pulled Dean closer and rested his cheek on Dean’s shoulder, murmuring, “How do you expect me to sleep after this?”_

_Dean chuckled. “I have no idea how I’m going to sleep too. I’ve been wanting to kiss you for a long time.”_

_Castiel smiled, feeling Dean’s heartbeat close to his, it was almost surreal. It was like a dream, and if this was a product of Castiel falling from the stairs and cracking his head, he didn’t want to wake up, ever. Then he remembered something. “Wait.” He pushed Dean a little, so he could look at his eyes. “You’re straight.”_

_Dean cleared his throat. “I, um… I’m bi, actually. Bisexual.” he clarified._

_“But - But you only date girls. How can you know?”_

_Dean rolled his eyes. “How did you know you’re gay, since you’ve never dated a guy?”_

_“Point taken. But what about your family? Do they know?”_

_Dean shook his head. “Only Sam. He’s okay with it. He’s a great kid.” He looked worried now._

_Castiel was sure Dean was thinking about his father, whose reaction to the news he was in no hurry to find out. More so, because Dean not only was bi, he also had a boyfriend._

_“Wait. Does it mean we’re boyfriends now?” Castiel asked, almost in disbelief._

_“Sure it does, you moron. If you want to, that is.”_

_“What kind of question is that? Of course I want to.”_

_Dean gave a soft laugh. “C’mere then, boyfriend.” And he kissed Castiel again_.

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

Castiel wakes up with a start, his cell phone ringing beside him. He immediately thinks it’s Claire, but it’s a number he doesn’t recognize. He squints in the dim light, trying to see it better. “H’llo?” he mumbles, rubbing his eyes to ward off sleep.

“Hey Cas,” comes a soft voice. “Did I wake you?”

Castiel is fully alert now. He sits up so fast that his head spins a little. “Hello Dean.”

“You were sleeping,” Dean says. “I’m sorry. I’ll call another time.”

“No, no, it’s okay.”

“I hope you don’t mind that I got your number from Mom.”

That gets a smile from Castiel. “No, Dean. I don’t mind.” He’s just surprised, but it’s still early to say if the surprise is good or bad.

“You home alone?”

“Yes.”

A pause. Then, “Dude, it’s sad to be alone on Christmas Eve.”

Castiel doesn’t know what to say. He’s used to it. “At least I’m not on call at the ER. It could be worse.”

“Yeah. But still. Um… have you eaten?”

“Uh…not exactly. There’s some leftover from yesterday’s dinner but…” Castiel shrugs, and only then remembers that Dean can’t see him. “I’m not in the mood for getting up right now.”

“Shit Cas, you’re already in bed,” Dean sighs. “I did wake you up.”

“I’m in the couch. Watching TV.” And dreaming about the first time he and Dean kissed, but of course Castiel doesn’t tell him that.

Dean huffs a laugh. “Are you watching It’s a Wonderful Life?”

Castiel chuckles. He and Dean used to say it was ‘their’ film. “Yes.”

There’s another pause, but now uncomfortable. Castiel can hear Dean’s soft breaths on the other side, and he imagines what he’s doing, why he called. There are probably other people in his house right now, like Bobby – if he’s still alive, and Castiel hopes he is – Claire and maybe some of Mary’s cousins. Christmas at the Winchesters has always been a big event. Castiel wonders if Dean’s alone in his old bedroom, full of memories of them together.

“I’m watching It’s a Wonderful Life too,” Dean finally says, softly. “And I remembered the day we watched it.”

“Dean…” is all Castiel says. Not reprimanding him, no, because Castiel was thinking about the exact same thing, dreaming about it, even. He wants Dean to stop talking, because it’s simpler… he also wants him to go on so he can find out what goes inside his head right now. Deciding to throw caution to the wind, at least for now – and because he’s alone in the safety of his living room - Castiel says, “I remembered it too.”

“Every time I see this damn film I think of that day,” Dean confesses, his voice even softer than before, like he’s telling a secret kept under lock and key.

“Me too,” Castiel says, because wasn’t he just dreaming about it? Maybe he shouldn’t, but right now, he wants to see where this is going.

They keep quiet again. In the TV, George is at the bridge, yelling for Clearance, the angel, asking to go back to his wife and kids. He’s crying, saying he wants to live again. “I wanna live again, too.” Dean’s voice is so low now, that Castiel almost doesn’t hear him, but the words are unmistakable. “I’m not sure if what I have can be called a life. I wanna go find a time machine and go back, and undo all the stupid things I did and said.”

“There are no time machines, Dean.” Castiel doesn't want to be the spoilsport here, but it’s important for him to keep both feet firmly on the ground. Maybe he shouldn’t have encouraged this conversation, he thinks. Because, if he allows it, Dean will take him flying on a helium balloon, and even if it will be wonderful, if a gale comes his way – like it did before – Castiel will be lost. “There’s only the present.”

“I know.” Dean sounds defeated now. “I know.” Castiel thinks he’ll hang up, because he stays quiet for a few seconds. And then, “I miss you, Cas.”

Castiel looks at the TV again. Everyone is happy, singing Auld Lang Syne. He wishes life was simple like that, like a film where everyone gets their happy ending. He’s torn between saying goodbye and telling Dean that- “I miss you too.” Oh well... Apparently his mouth has disconnected from his brain.

“You know what I miss too, Cas?” Dean asks, but he doesn’t wait for Castiel to answer. “I miss who I was, when I was with you. I liked that Dean far better than I like this one.”,

Castiel wants to ask what’s wrong with this one, but he doesn’t. He understands the sentiment. He’s not particularly fond of this Castiel too.

Suddenly, there’s noise coming from Dean’s side, someone is talking to him, and Dean says something back. Castiel waits. There’s the noise of a door closing and Dean is back. “Sorry, I was saying goodbye to Claire. She’s leaving, should be home in five.”

“Okay.” Castiel isn’t sure if he’s frustrated or relieved that the conversation is over. “I think we better say good night, then.”

“Yeah. I’ll get out of your hair now.”

“Don’t say that.” He hates when Dean sounds resigned like this. ”Good night Dean. Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas, Cas.”


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

 

New year’s Eve at the ER is chaotic. Castiel was called to the Trauma Center at 5 PM, and he has already given up any hope of going home today. It’s okay, though. Every year he’s on call in at least one of the major holidays. He’d rather be at Gabriel’s house with his family, but this is the life he chose, and yes, although it’s hard, time-consuming and demanding, he loves his job.

After three hours of surgery, in which he needs to take off a heaping hook from the arm of a thirteen year-old girl, he's exhausted. She didn’t lose the arm, but the lesion is extensive, and the muscles damage may be irreversible. Only time – and a lot of physical therapy after the wound is healed – will tell.

A machine – in his own cellar – crushed a fifty year-old farmer. His left leg has a huge deformity, one Castiel is not sure he’ll be able to fix; he may need to amputate. He hates amputations, because even saving the patient’s life, it leaves behind a disability that was not there before and it’s terribly life changing. He can’t stop thinking about Dean’s leg, and how close he must have been to loosing it.

Speaking of Dean…

Castiel and Dean have been ‘talking’ through texts since Christmas. On the 26th Dean sent him a picture of himself in the Impala saying _I drove Mom to Wal-Mart today. Yay! ;)_ and Castiel, even knowing that Dean lives a few blocks from Wal-Mart, is happy for him. It’s a sign that his knee is almost completely healed.

That same day, Castiel sent Dean a picture of Claire and Ben doing the dishes after dinner. _I hope you do not mind, but I'm subjecting your child to forced labor._ Dean replied with _it’s okay, it helps building character,_ and they texted each other until midnight.

It’s been unexpected, but good. Castiel catches himself looking often at his iPhone, expecting to see Dean’s message. They haven’t seen each other for a week, nor have they talked on the phone again. It’s good that things are slow, like they’re testing the waters, trying to at least regain the friendship they lost.

Castiel is trying not to think about Dean today. His cell phone is quiet, no texts or calls since he woke up. He tries not to worry, but now and then he glances at his iPhone with a grimace. He’s not disappointed Dean hasn’t texted today. He’s definitely not. He starts scrubbing his hands for the surgery and he forgets Dean for a while.

After three more hours in the Operation Room, Castiel is ready to fall into the first bed he sees and sleep for a week. But he knows it’s not going to happen. It’s still eleven PM and tonight it’s party night, which means there are people getting drunk and driving, which means lots of car accidents and lots of broken bones.

He goes to the break room, decides to make coffee and eat something. There’s a suspicious-looking cake in the old fridge, the icing already hardened and looking like stone. He contemplates going to the cafeteria, but at this time, especially today, he’s sure there will be nothing besides more coffee and probably some week-old sandwiches. Yuck.

His only other option is the vending machine at the ER corridor. Just when he’s about to open a bag of Doritos, the hospital speaker calls his name. “Doctor Novak, please call the reception. Doctor Novak, please call the reception.” Sighing, Castiel picks up the phone in the break room and dials 9.

“This is Dr. Novak speaking.”

“Oh, yes, doctor, there’s a man here at the ER, and he wants to see you.”

Castiel pinches the bridge of his nose. He’s bone tired, with more than six hours to go until he can go home. The last thing he wants is to talk to anyone. “Could you tell whoever it is that I’m in the O.R.?”

“I tried, sir, but he says he’ll wait the whole night if he has to. I’m really sorry, doctor. I didn’t want to bother you, but he’s very insistent.”

Great. It’s probably some relative of one of the patients Castiel operated on. He sees no way out of this, so the sooner he deals with it, the better. “Ask him who he is and what he wants, please.”

“Right.” A pause, some mumbling and then, “He says he’s your patient, sir. His name is Dean Winchester.”

Castiel chokes on the Doritos, because what? Dean is at the ER? Is there anything wrong with his knee? Is he hurt? In pain? “Okay, I’ll be there in a minute.”

He doesn’t bother checking his appearance in the old cracked mirror. It’s a waste of time anyway, because he can almost feel the huge bags under his eyes, which are probably red. Oh, well… here goes nothing.

Dean is standing by the glass window near the reception desk, looking at the coming ambulance outside, probably bringing another trauma victim.

“Dean?” Castiel calls, his forehead creased with worry. “What happened?”

Dean turns and looks at him, a crooked smile on his face. “Hey Cas,” he says. And when he sees Castiel’s worried face, his smile broadens. “Nothing’s wrong, don’t worry.”

Castiel looks at him, up and down, checking for injuries. “Why are you here? Is it your leg?”

“Dude, I told you, everything’s fine. I… um… I brought you dinner. Figured you must be hungry.” Only then Castiel sees a bag in Dean’s hands.

“You’re a life savior,” he says, pulling Dean by the arm. “Come with me,” he beckons Dean to follow him.

Back at the break room, Castiel is relieved to see that the place is still empty. He opens the door and turns the light on. “Here we are.”

Dean looks around. “Dude, you spend the whole day here?” The place is cramped and cluttered, it has more bunk beds than it should, an old refrigerator, a coffee maker and a TV that doesn’t work.

“I have an office at the main building. Next to the Elective Surgeries block. But when I’m on call at the ER, I stay here in this break room. And no, I barely have time to come here, I stay practically all the time in the operation room.”

Dean smiles. “Wow.”

“What?” Castiel frowns, looking around.

“Look at you, ‘Dr. Novak’, saving lives an’ all.”

Castiel tilts his head to one side. “You save lives too.”

Dean’s face goes all serious suddenly. “No. That’s completely different. Sometimes… I destroy lives. Sometimes I kill people.”

Castiel frowns. “That’s not true. You protect them. You try to ensure they have peace, you help making their countries a better place for them to live.”

“Sure. By walking around holding my M4A1,” Dean deadpans. Then he sighs and a tentative smile returns. “Anyways, here’s your dinner.” Dean extends his arm and puts a bag in Castiel’s hands. “I hope you’re hungry.”

“I’m starving, actually.” Castiel opens the bag and wow, there’s too much food. Everything looks delicious, and Dean even brought a can of soda and a thermos of coffee. “Do you want to join me?”

“Nah, I already ate.” Dean eyes the contents of Castiel’s plate and raises an eyebrow. “But I might help you getting rid of this cherry pie. You don’t wanna get fat.”

“Yeah, there’s too much. I probably shouldn’t eat everything by myself, it’s not healthy.” Castiel jokes. “I hope you don’t mind doing this sacrifice.”

Dean chuckles. “Well, I do anything for my friends, you know.”

Castiel chuckles too. “That’s a very altruistic gesture.”

“What can I do? I’m awesome like that.”

Castiel’s first instinct is to say ‘yes, you are’, but he doesn’t. He lowers his eyes to the plate before him and begins to eat, before he says anything stupid. They’re sitting side by side on one of the beds, the one closer to the door, and Castiel pulls the small coffee table closer, so he can put the plate on it. They talk a little, while Castiel eats, and no one disturbs them, which must be a New Year’s miracle. When he finishes, Castiel grabs the knife and splits his cherry pie slice in two, precisely identical parts and offers the fork to Dean. “I only have one fork. We’ll have to share it.”

He didn’t mean this as a tease, he swears he didn’t. And he doesn’t believe Dean is trying to tease him either. It’s just that, every time Dean eats pie, he makes this face, as if… well, as if he’s enjoying it very much. The minute he gives the fork to Dean, the man grabs it and slowly takes a small piece off it, closing his lips around the fork. He chews slowly, and licks his lips when he finishes, passing the fork to Castiel with a sigh. “I love this pie.” The whole time, his eyes never leave Castiel’s.

Well, maybe Dean is teasing him a little. Suddenly, the air between them feels heavy, like something important is about to happen. Castiel gulps and takes the fork from Dean, suddenly self-conscious. He looks down, but he can still feel Dean’s eyes on him. He does his best not to choke on the pie, because he can barely swallow it, so nervous he is. His palms start to sweat, his heart beats fast. He realizes how close Dean is and, fuck, who said this was a good idea?

Suddenly, Dean’s cell phone beeps, and the man looks at it with a slight frown. Castiel takes the opportunity to take a sip of the soda, relieved for not being the center of Dean’s attention at least for now, then wipes his mouth on a paper napkin.

“It was Sam,” Dean says, looking at Castiel once more. “It’s almost midnight.”

“Oh.” Castiel looks at his own cell phone and realizes it’s 11:58.

Dean’s eyes are fixed on his again. He bites his lower lip, as of deciding what he’ll say, then takes a deep breath. “Cas… you know what people do at midnight on New Year’s Eve?”

Castiel knows, who doesn’t? But he is unable to say it. He knows where this is probably going, but he doesn’t want to be the one to start it. At the same time, he doesn’t want to stop it from happening. There’s a jumble of emotions inside him, and he’s lost in Dean’s eyes, knowing that there is no escape.

Dean sits a little bit closer. “They kiss,” he whispers.

“I know,” Castiel manages to say. He can hear his own heartbeats, and he feels like a teenager again. “It’s tradition.”

Dean looks so hopeful that it makes Castiel’s stomach churn. “So, what would you say if I… if I told you I really, really wanna kiss you?”

Fireworks start in the distance, and Castiel’s cell phone beeps with a message, probably from his family. He looks at it and sees it’s midnight. “I’d say it’s midnight, so Happy New Year, Dean.” He whispers. He shifts on the bed, so now he and Dean are facing each other.

“Happy New Year, Cas.” Dean comes impossibly closer, giving Castiel enough time to stop this, but he doesn’t. He’s powerless to stop this. Maybe he shouldn’t kiss Dean; maybe he will get hurt and regret this greatly. But right now, there’s only Dean in the whole world, looking at him as if he mattered, as if he’s someone worth keeping.

Castiel closes his eyes and sighs, and when he feels Dean’s lips on his, it’s like the first time all over again. Everything else stops, nothing else is important but this moment. The kiss is gentle, but lasts a long time. Dean holds Castiel’s face between his hands and just stays there, quiet, eyes closed, as if cherishing the moment. They’re breathing each other’s air, feeling each other’s closeness, lips pressed against one another. It’s perfect.

When they part, they don’t really separate. Foreheads touching, eyes closed, they wait. Finally, Dean lets out a shaky breath. “You’re working,” he whispers. “I should go.”

“Yes,” Castiel agrees, but none of them moves.

This time, it’s Castiel who starts the kiss, and it’s nothing like the first one. This one is almost bruising, and Castiel pours in it all the want and need inside him. He never really forgot Dean’s taste, and now that he has him here he wants this kiss to last forever. He can’t help it, he can’t help wanting Dean. Dean responds with equal fervor, and they battle for dominance for a while, but Dean soon gives up and Castiel’s tongue invades his mouth, eliciting a moan from the other man. The sound drives Castiel crazy and he forgets completely where they are, pushing Dean on the bed, until they’re both lying, Castiel on top.

Dean’s arms are on his shoulders and they’re kissing frantically now. Castiel sucks Dean’s bottom lip into his mouth lightly, and Dean rakes his nails through Castiel’s already messy hair. Castiel is so turned on that his skin feels on fire. Dean arches his back when Castiel kisses his neck and he moans again, sending shivers down Castiel’s spine. Castiel sucks a bit of the skin into his mouth, but not too much, and Dean pulls a little at his hair, hips thrusting up, as he says, in a shaky voice, “Cas, Cas, we –“

Castiel kisses him again, knowing he can get addicted to this already. His brain must be short-circuiting, because it’s telling him to never stop, and –

“Cas,” Dean pants, “Stop.”

Castiel stops immediately, and his cheeks flush with embarrassment. He realizes that he might have been a little over enthusiastic and maybe he overstepped Dean’s boundaries? “I’m sorry, I – “

Dean smiles at him, and his hands are still on the back of Castiel’s neck. “It’s not that, it’s just… what if someone comes in?”

Castiel’s eyes widens and, oh God, they’re inside the hospital and Castiel is working! What the hell has gotten into his head to do this? “Oh God,” he moans in dismay, and he rests his forehead on Dean’s chest. They’re still panting a little, and Dean is still holding him.

“This is definitely not the place for this,” Castiel says, his voice muffled by Dean’s shirt.

“No shit,” Dean chuckles. He holds Castiel’s face between his hands again and tilts his head up, so they’re facing each other. “Listen, um… can we see each other later?”

Castiel nods, but then remembers, “I leave only at six AM tomorrow, and by then – “

“You’ll be dead on your feet,” Dean finishes for him.

“Yes. And I still have to come back in the afternoon to do my rounds with the residents.”

“Crap.

They sit up, a little apart. Castiel doesn’t know if he’s frustrated or relieved this didn’t go further. He knows that, if they were in any other place, without the risk of getting caught, they would have had sex, and Castiel is not sure what would have happened then.

It's not that he doesn’t want it. If he is honest with himself, he wants Dean, perhaps too much. Dean is someone he wants to hate, or at least resent, but he knows it is as impossible as the sunrise in the west. Because, deep down, he never forgot his High school boyfriend. He never fell in love again, he has not ever dreamed spending his life with someone else but him, he never felt that feeling of belonging to another man. And he knows it's pathetic, because he is an adult now, he has a daughter, and Dean should be just a memory.

He would have been buried in the depths of Castiel’s mind and heart, if he had not come back. Looking at him, Castiel sees how attracted to this man he is, and he can’t help it. He thinks he was never able to truly forget him because of the way things ended between them, so suddenly. They never had the closure that Castiel needed to move on with his life.

“I can call you when I get home tomorrow night?” he offers. He won’t have time to think about anything else but work, before that.

“Okay,” Dean says. “I’ll be waiting.”

Castiel wants to ask him not to wait, because he may not call, but he already knows he will. He already knows Dean will be in his thoughts all the time until he sees him again. He feels giddy, excited, scared and angry with himself, all at the same time. “You, uh… drive carefully, all right? There is a lot of drunk drivers on the streets tonight.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”

They finally get up and stop in front of each other. “Um… goodbye, then.”

Dean pulls him and kisses him again, and Castiel kisses back, relishing in the feeling of being in Dean’s arms. He never thought, in all his life, that he would have this again. It’s a soft, warm kiss, full of promises. “G’night Cas,” Dean whispers, his mouth close to Castiel’s. “See you later.”

Castiel walks him to the reception and, as he watches Dean leaving, he thinks that this time, things will be different. He’ll enjoy this… ‘thing’ between him and Dean, while it lasts – because it undoubtedly won’t last forever – and, when Dean leaves, Castiel will not be so broken, like before. Because, this time, he’s already waiting for the other shoe to drop. This time, he’s not allowing himself to fall in love.

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

_On the 24th, Dean’s birthday, a Wednesday, Dean knocked on Castiel’s door very early in the morning. “I’m not going to school today, Cas.” He looked worried, with his hair in disarray and his eyes very wide, wearing a panicky expression that Castiel had never seen on him before. “I think I did something very stupid.”_

_“What did you do?” Castiel said, pulling Dean by the arm to the warmth of his house._

_“Mom asked me if I wanted anything special for dinner today, and I said sure, Mom, a cake would be great, and can I invite my boyfriend to have dinner with us?”_

_“You didn’t!”_

_“I did. And it would’ve been nice’n all that; only Dad was behind me and I didn’t know.”_

_“Oh my God. And what did he say?”_

_“Dunno. He yelled so much that I barely understood anything. I just…I grabbed the car keys, opened the door and fled.”_

_“You just left?”_

_“Yep. I came here to see if you want to run away with me,” Dean said, half-joking, but his expression showed how panicked he was._

_Dean’s father knowing he wasn’t straight, especially like that, was a big deal, because Dean and John didn’t get along too much. Dean had never forgiven John for leaving them for another woman when Sam was a baby. Three years ago, he had come back, his tail between his legs, and surprisingly, Mary had accepted him back. But Dean hadn’t. He still remembered how much Mary cried when John left, how much he cried because, for a long time, he thought his dad had left because of something wrong he’d done._

_“It’s not as if I care about his opinion. I’m eighteen. I don’t need him for anything; never had, never will.” Dean was looking down, his hands in his pockets._

_Castiel hugged him tight. “I wish there was something I could do to help you.” John had never treated Castiel well; the man ignored him, mostly. He could only imagine how hard would be for him to go to Dean’s house now._

_“Just stay with me today?” Dean asked, with his face buried in Castiel’s neck._

_They didn’t even think about who would take Sam to school. Dean and Castiel got into the Impala and took the K-10 highway. Before getting to Lenexa, they stopped at the greasiest place they could find and had the greasiest breakfast ever. Dean ate so much that Castiel was afraid he would explode, but Dean’s face was relaxed for the first time that day, so Castiel didn’t say anything._

_Back inside the Impala, Dean kissed Castiel and smiled. “Thank you. I needed this, to just… leave everything behind and just be with you. I needed to forget coming out to Mom and Dad – although I’m sure Mom will be okay with it.”_

_“Are we going back to Lawrence now?” Castiel asked. “Not because I want to, it’s just that… today is your birthday, and you shouldn’t do anything you don’t want. It’s your day, it’s supposed to be happy.”_

_“As long as I’m with you, I’m happy, Cas.”_

_“Who would’ve thought you were a romantic?” Castiel giggled, kissing Dean’s nose._

_The truth was that, between the two of them, Dean was the more romantic one. He was the one always saying sweet things to Castiel; he was the one who wanted to cuddle on the sofa when they were alone. Castiel was the held back one, not because he didn’t love Dean, because God, he did. It was just the way he was: calm on the surface. But inside, he already knew Dean was the love of his life._

_Today, he didn’t want to hold back; he wanted not only to tell Dean he loved him: he wanted to show him. Up to this point all they had done was kissing. And maybe Dean’s hands roamed over Castiel’s backs, a little too low sometimes, but hey, they were boyfriends. But Dean had not even suggested that they got more intimate, and Castiel knew that was because Dean was waiting for him to be ready._

_He took a deep breath and held Dean again, his face hidden in Dean’s neck. “I want to be with you,” Castiel said. He was not afraid. He loved Dean and that’s all that really mattered._

_Dean visibly started. “You sure? Cas, you don’t have to – “_

_“I don’t have to, but I want to.”_

_They went to a motel called “Axis Mundi”, which charged by the hour, whose receptionist looked like he’d just smoked all weed in the world. There was nothing cosmic in the peeling wallpaper and the floral bedspread, but at least the place looked clean and smelled nice. Not that Castiel and Dean would have noticed anything. They only had eyes to one another._

_Although he knew that Dean would never pressure him to do anything, Castiel found out that, once alone and without anyone to interrupt them, it was very hard to keep their hands off each other._

_It was Dean’s first time with a guy, but at least he knew the basics: insert tab A into slot B. But for Castiel, Dean was his first kiss, his first everything. So, they were clumsy, fumbling with zippers and buttons, dealing with the lube - which was beyond awkward - giggling and sighing and looking into each other’s eyes. Their first time was awkward, with knees and elbows bumping in ribs; it was full of false starts and too much stamina, but in the end, it was glorious._

_They spent the entire day in bed, eating beef jerky and pizza, making out, watching TV, talking._

_“One day I’m going to count all your freckles,” Castiel said._

_“You’re silly, you know that? This is kinda impossible, Cas.”_

_“Nope. It’s not. One day I’m going to do that. You’ll see.”_

_Dean smiled brightly at him. “Hey, Cas, um… this is the best birthday I’ve ever had. Thank you for making this a great day.”_

_Castiel kissed the tip of his nose again. “Thank you for making my whole life great, Dean.”_

_“I love you,” Dean blurted out, hugging Castiel tight._

_“I love you too.”_

_“I never wanna let you go.”_

_“Then don’t.”_

_“This is for good, right?” Dean asked, letting go of Castiel a little, to look him in the eyes. “I wanna stay with you for good. You’re ‘it’ for me, Cas.”_

_“I want that too.”_

_“That’s it, then,” Dean said. “We can look for colleges that are close to each other, and we can go away from this town together and no one will get in our way.”_

_“And we’ll be together forever.”_

_“Yep.” Dean smiled. “Now come here, I think I saw a really cute mole above your right nipple. I need to check that.”_

_When they went back to Lawrence, at night, Mary and John were waiting for Dean in Castiel’s house. Naomi and John were looking at each other with clear animosity. John looked murderous. He eyed Dean and Castiel together, holding hands, and he looked like he wanted to strangle Dean._

_“We need to talk. I never thought I’d be so disappointed in you.” He stormed out of Castiel’s house, banging the door behind him._

_Mary hugged Dean and made him promise that he would never leave like that again. Then she apologized to Naomi for John’s behavior and left._

_“I love you no matter what, Cas,” Dean said, before his mother took him home._

_Castiel smiled, knowing that nothing would tear them apart. In that moment he was so sure they would be together, that not even knowing that John disapproved their relationship scared him. He and Dean loved each other, so everything would be all right in the end._

_If he only knew how wrong he was._


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9

 

Castiel gets home at six-thirty. The house is quiet; Claire went to sleep at her grandma’s. He takes a shower and goes right to his bed, falling asleep almost the second his head hits the pillow. When he wakes up, it’s already noon and he hurries to the hospital, where he eats some undefined sandwich at the cafeteria. Then, for the rest of the day, it’s work and more work. He has a case presentation, rounds with the residents and two knee replacement surgeries.

He gets home again at nine PM, and he’s exhausted. Claire is already asleep and she left him a note and a plate with leftovers in the fridge, but Castiel doesn’t want to eat, just sleep. His iPhone beeps indicating an income message. It’s from the hospital, informing that the patient whose leg he amputated on New Year’s Eve died. Only then he remembers he was supposed to call Dean tonight.

Well, that’s… not true. In fact, Dean never left his mind completely since they kissed yesterday. But Castiel was busy, and it was a relief, because being busy meant he wouldn’t have to think too much about the green-eyed man.

He has no idea what he wants with Dean, or where this thing with him is going. Sure, he wants to kiss him. He wants to do a lot more than kissing, in fact. But the question is… what happens once he gets what he wants? What does it mean to him and, most important, what does it mean to Dean? Because Dean is charming and sexy as hell, and sometimes he looks vulnerable, cute and open, and… just the other day, he was talking about regret. Does it mean he regrets leaving Castiel? Or something else? Or he regrets coming back? Why did he kiss Castiel? What does he expect will happen between them now?

All these questions keep popping into is head all the time, and of course, no one but Dean can answer them. Castiel already knows he will never ask him.

What he decides in the end is this: he will take what he can get. He will not assume that, just because they kissed and made out, they will walk down the isle wearing matching tuxedos. This can be just for fun, right? Like… like make out buddies. Or fuck buddies, if it ever comes to that. Then, the day Dean leaves again, Castiel will at least have had a good time, because he already knows they aren’t meant to be together.

In the mean time, Castiel will do his best not to take this whatever-they-have so seriously. He knows he’s too intense and, most of the time, he doesn’t know how to just… go with the flow. But that’s exactly what he’ll do here: have a good time with a man he is really attracted to, and deal with the outcome later. He wants this; he needs this, to explore it and see if adult Dean is everything he imagined.

But shit, Ben is dating Claire and… will it be wise if Dean and Castiel get involved? Maybe not. Maybe they should leave things as they are, try to be friends and nothing else. On the other hand they’re adults. No one needs to know if they start seeing each other, because it won’t last anyway, so they don’t need to announce this to the world. They can still part as friends when it’s over.

Grabbing the phone, he dials Dean’s number hesitantly. It rings only once and Dean answers, as if he were waiting for the call. “Hello?” His voice is anxious.

“Hello Dean. I’m sorry if it’s late, I just got home and… I promised to call.”

“No, no, it’s all right. It’s only ten, man. I don’t sleep early.”

“How was your day?” Castiel asks, but in fact what he wants to ask is ‘ _did you think about yesterday at all? Do you regret it?_ ’

“Boring. Oh! We took Sam to the airport. He asked me to say goodbye, he tried to call you before he left but you were in a surgery.”

“Oh. That’s why Madison was sad and distracted today.”

Dean laughs. “Yeah, Sam was the same. Man, things between them got serious really fast. Sam is already talking about moving to Kansas City.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Mom is over the moon, since I’m…erhm… I’m staying too.”

“Oh.” Castiel is speechless. Dean had already said he was leaving the UN and thinking about staying in Lawrence because of Ben. There’s no need for Castiel’s heart to start beating fast because it has nothing to do with him. “What about your job?”

Dean chuckles. “Dude, my doctor said I can’t go back to the UN troops. I doubt they have a place for a military engineer who can’t go to the field. And, you know. I was thinking that maybe I could teach at KU. What do you think?”

“It would be, um… nice.” He’s shocked. Dean’s really staying, then. He even has a plan.

“Gee Cas, don’t sound so excited.” Dean sounds disappointed with Castiel’s reaction. “Maybe, I don’t know, if it doesn’t work, I can go to Kansas City and live with Sam. Hell, I’ve been living with him for so long that I don’t think he’d mind. Unless he marries the cute nurse, that is.”

“You live with him? “ Castiel is curious now.

“In San Francisco? Yes. Well, most of the time I’m not even in the States. I’ve been in Mali for two years, and before that, I was in Congo. I come home mostly to see Ben; I don’t have anything keeping me here. Only him.” The last sentence is said softly, almost as if Dean is talking to himself.

Castiel clears his throat to hide his nervousness. “Uh… he’ll be very happy to have you around.”

“Dude, in a few months he’ll go to college, God knows where. Maybe he stays here, I don’t know. But I’m not counting on it.” A pause. “But, maybe it’s time I find an apartment, another job… try to settle down…”

Castiel’s heart is almost jumping out through his throat. He decides to change subjects, because… he’s not ready to think about Dean settling down. Especially here, in Lawrence, with Castiel having to watch Dean walking around with whomever he decides to live with. Not that Castiel wants it to be him; of course not. Talking about the kids is safer. “I know what you mean. I’m trying not to hope that Claire stays here for college so I can keep an eye on her.” He sighs. “It’s just that… it’s been just us, for a long time.”

Dean sighs too, as if noticing Castiel’s tactic. But his voice is gentle. “You did a great job, Cas. She’s a great kid. Everyone here likes her. Even Dad, and that’s really difficult.”

“Yes, I know. I, um… remember.” And here is Castiel talking about before. Shit. “Claire likes your parents and, uh… she likes you too. She says you’re awesome.”

Dean snorts. “That’s because I am awesome, Cas!” he laughs. “Ben talks about you a lot too. Since you fixed my leg, you’re like, one of the seven wonders.“

“Thank you. But I only did – Castiel tries to cover a yawn, but he fails miserably – my job.”

“Wow, am I that boring that you’re almost falling asleep?” Dean jokes.

“It’s not that!” Castiel hurries to explain. “It’s just that I had only five hours of sleep in two days.”

Dean gives a short laugh. “Okay Cas, I’m just messing with you.” His voice turns soft then, the fondness in it very clear. “You still take everything at face value, huh?”

“I, um…” Castiel is happy Dean can’t see him right now, because he’s blushing.

“Listen. Do you, I mean… can I see you tomorrow? It’s Friday, I… I was thinking we could… talk, or, I don’t know… if you want to – “

“Tomorrow is fine, Dean.”

“It is? Great!” Dean’s voice is cheerful now. “Go to sleep, then. Call me when you’re free, okay?”

“I will. Good night, then.”

“ ’Night, Cas.”

Castiel stays a few seconds holding the phone and looking at it. Okay, he agreed to see Dean tomorrow for… for what, exactly? Oh God, he doesn’t want to think about it now. He needs to sleep; tomorrow he has a hip replacement at eight.

But he still tosses and turns; taking a long time to disconnect his thoughts from Dean so he can sleep. What the hell is Dean Winchester doing to his calm, controlled and predictable life?

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

_For Valentine’s Day, they went on a road trip for the weekend. Driving calmed Dean unlike anything in the world. In his opinion, there was something extremely charming in little motels on the outskirts of little towns, in greasy food in diners where waitresses said they were cute and gave them extra large pieces of apple pie. Castiel wasn’t so charmed by motels and diners; he’d rather spend the day exploring a library or a museum. But, as long as Dean was with him, everything was alright._

_Dean gave him a frame with their picture, one taken by Sam last summer, in the last day they were supposed to work at Bobby’s garage. Dean was in his coveralls, all dirty, a bit of grease smeared on his forehead, and he had his right arm thrown around Cas’ shoulders. Cas was wearing jeans and a white t-shirt, and he had a pencil tucked behind his ear. Both were sitting on the hood of the Impala, laughing and holding soda cans. They looked happy and carefree._

_Castiel gave Dean a mix tape, mostly of songs he liked – other than classic music – songs that he associated with Dean, like Elton John’s ‘Your Song’. Dean liked to sing to him, when they were quiet, inside the Impala, after having sex on the back seat, hidden on the farthest and most abandoned place they could find. It wasn’t easy for them to find a place to be alone._

_When they were quiet, tired and sated, tangled in each other, Dean would trace random patterns on Castiel’s arm with his fingers, singing softly ‘how wonderful life is, now you’re in the world’._

_“I never thought I could be so happy.” Castiel was sure their lives would be awesome together._

_They started to look for colleges. Castiel wanted to be a doctor and Dean, a mechanical engineer. They knew it would be hard, but they were set on the idea of trying to find a place where they could go together, at least into driving distance, so they could see each other often._

_Castiel was accepted at Harvard, in Cambridge, and Dean in Boston College, in Chestnut Hill. Both cities were in Massachusetts and only thirty minutes apart. They would stay at their respective campi, and see each other on the weekends, because the cities were really close. It would be great; they had everything planned. Dean had wanted to go by car, because he was afraid of planes, but Castiel had proposed they went to Boston earlier, to explore the city together, as a mini-vacation. Dean loved the idea. Now, they just needed to graduate and go._

_Life was good. Castiel was happy._

_He thought Dean was happy too._

 

SPN SPN SPN SPN

 

Castiel spends another day thinking almost non-stop about Dean. It’s getting ridiculous, he knows, but every time he isn’t busy working, Dean comes to his mind, unbidden. He knows it won’t do him any good, but his stupid mind keeps remembering the time he and Dean were together – he’s been having a lot of flashbacks lately, since Dean entered his life again. For every time he sees the guy, his head conjures a similar moment in the past.

It’s very inconvenient.

So, because he has spent the entire Friday thinking about Dean, he can barely wait to see him again. He keeps replaying the kisses in the hospital’s break room over and over, so he gets home, takes a shower - he contemplates shaving, but it will only take longer, since no matter what he does, his stubble grows really fast. He is about to call Dean, when Claire comes to his bedroom, a sheepish expression on her face.

“Hi Dad!” she smiles brightly, kissing his cheek.

Castiel rolls his eyes. “Hi baby. What do you want?”

Claire puts her hand on her chest, mock offended. “Dad! How can you imply I want something?”

“Let me see… because it’s Friday night and you want to go out?”

Claire laughs. “Are you a mind reader?” She sits on his bed, combing her long hair. “Krissy is giving a pajama party for the girls, since school starts again on Monday. I can go, can’t I?”

“What about Ben? I thought you were going to see him.”

“Ben has a sore throat. He’s staying home tonight.”

“All right, then. Do you want me to drive you to Krissy’s house?”

“Oh!” Claire smiles again. Her expression is innocent and amazed, but Castiel knows she’s kidding. “How did you know? See? You’re really a mind reader, Dad. And don’t worry about picking me up tomorrow; we’re going to the mall in the morning, okay? I’ll be home by lunchtime, I can catch a bus.“

“Okay.”

Castiel spends a few minutes trying to decide what to wear. He doesn’t want Claire to think – and she would be right, wouldn’t she? – that he has a date. On the other hand, he doesn’t know if it can be called a date, he doesn’t even know where he and Dean will go, if they will go anywhere at all. He decides on a pair of jeans – that he rarely uses – and a Henley. He combs his hair the best he can and, looking at himself in the mirror, he decides it is good enough.

He leaves Claire at Krissy’s, making her promise to call if she needs anything. Then, he goes straight to Dean’s house, he has no idea why. He’s not very used to do things on an impulse. He hasn’t called Dean yet, as he said he would, and he wonders if Dean thinks he gave up, since it’s getting a little bit late. He stops the car by the curb and picks up his phone with shaking hands.

Dean, once again, picks up on the first ring. “Yeah?”

“It’s me,” Castiel says.

“Hey Cas.” Dean’s voice is soft, calm, almost relieved. “You already home?”

Castiel stutters a little. “I – I … in fact, I – I’m here. In the, um… the car, in front of your house.”

“Really?” Castiel looks up and sees Dean’s face at his bedroom window when he pulls back the curtain. “I’ll be there in a sec,” Dean says, and hangs up.

Castiel takes a deep breath, his insides fluttering a little. He puts his phone in his pocket and fiddles with the radio, looking for a station Dean would like, because all he has in his iPod is classical music – it helps him to unwind after a day in the hospital.

“Hey.” Dean’s face appears by the passenger window. “You said you’d call.”

“I had to take Claire to her friend’s house. Then I decided to just… come.”

Dean smiles brightly. “I’m glad you did.“

“Claire told me Ben is sick?”

“He’s fine, just a cold.”

“Oh. That’s, um, that’s good. That he’s okay, I mean.”

Dean smiles at him again, and Castiel’s heart squeezes inside his chest. Only the streetlamp illuminates Dean’s face but God, he looks perfect.

“May I come in?” Dean gives him a crooked smile and shivers a little. “It’s a little cold here.”

“Oh God, I’m sorry!” Castiel hurries to unlock the car’s door. Shit. He was so mesmerized by Dean’s face that he acted as a complete idiot. “Where’s your coat?”

Dean’s cheeks flush. He’s only wearing jeans and a t-shirt. “I was in a hurry, in case you got tired of waiting. Because I’m still walking kinda slowly.”

“I wouldn’t.”

“So, uh… where are we going?” Dean asks.

“Do you have something in mind?”

“Um… not really. But I was hoping we could go somewhere calm to… talk?”

Castiel nods. He’s just had an idea, but he’s not sure Dean will like it. Well, there’s no harm in trying, right? “My house is… “ He clears his throat, because his voice shakes a little and he really hopes Dean doesn’t notice. “Empty.”

Dean looks at him for a few seconds, and then gives a short nod. “I’d like to see your house, Cas.”

They ride to Castiel’s house is quiet, but not uncomfortable silence . The radio is playing Elton John’s ‘Can You Feel The Love Tonight’ and Castiel wants to face palm, because the song’s not on purpose, and what if Dean thinks Castiel is trying to seduce him?

Well… he is, but that’s not the point.

Dean stays mercifully – and uncharacteristically – quiet for a while. He’s looking outside the window, at the city. “I haven’t been out too much since I came back. But… the city changed a lot,” he finally says.

“Yes, it’s very different from what I remembered.”

They arrive at Castiel’s house after a few minutes. “Wow. Your house’s really nice, Cas,” Dean says, looking at it. It’s a two-story house, white and blue, with a nice garden and a even nicer backyard. It’s not big, it only has three bedrooms, but it’s enough for Castiel and Claire. The neighborhood is quiet, the street is well kept. Castiel loves it. It’s a pity he doesn’t spend as much time enjoying it as he’d like.

Castiel stops the car in the garage and they get out, using a side door to go inside the house. There’s a sort of electricity in the air. Castiel looks at Dean with the corner of his eyes and Dean is wiping his hands on his pants, as if they’re sweating. Castiel’s hands are sweating too, despite the cold, and he’s a little lightheaded. Being so close to Dean has this effect on him.

As soon as Castiel closes the door behind them, he can’t wait any longer. With his eyes locked on Dean’s, he takes a step closer. His heart is pounding now, and he can see Dean’s breath hitch. He notices Dean’s pink lips, and up this close, he can see how there’s a small, almost imperceptible scar on his lower lip. He wants to know everything about this scar. He wants to know everything about this man. And. Most of all, he wants to feel these lips on his.

“Tell me you want this,” Castiel whispers.

“I do, Cas,” Dean breathes. He lowers his eyes to Castiel’s mouth and licks his lips, nervously.

That’s enough for Castiel to close the small distance between them and kiss Dean, because it’s unbearable not to. Eyes closed, all he can feel is the softness of the other man’s lips, his tongue invading his mouth because he needs to explore more, taste more; he wants to lose himself in Dean.

The kiss soon turns urgent and desperate, dragging low moans from both men, Dean responding with the same intensity, and it feels like Castiel will burst. Dean takes charge then, deepening the kiss and pulling Castiel against the nearest wall, pressing him against it with his entire body. “Cas,” he grunts, and he buries his face on the crook of Chis neck, licking at the sweat already forming there. “Bed.” It’s not a request; more like a demand, one Castiel fully agrees with.

But Castiel can’t move, because one of Dean’s legs is pressing between his, and he can’t help it, he shoves their hips together and yes, Dean wants this as much as he does, he can feel it. Dean grinds his hips again and Castiel slams his head back in the wall.

“Ouch,” he smiles into the kiss.

“Sorry,” Dean mouths at Castiel’s chin dimple and he doesn’t sound sorry at all.

“Upstairs,” Castiel pants, disentangling himself from Dean and pulling him by the hand. They take a while climbing up the stairs, because they can’t take their hands off each other and well, there’s Dean’s knee too, he still needs to be careful.

Once inside the bedroom, things escalate to something urgent, Dean buries his hands in Castiel’s dark hair, and Castiel pulls Dean closer, his hands possessively on both sides of his waist. Dean starts to unbutton Castiel's shirt with nimble fingers, and then runs his hands on his bare shoulders, pushing the shirt slowly until it drops on the floor.

Castiel tugs at the hem of Dean’s shirt, and he pulls it off in one swift move. They part to take their pants off, and they do it reluctantly, as if it hurt to stay apart, their eyes never leaving each other’s. Naked, they embrace again and, only now that what’s going to happen is very clear, some of their hurry seems to ebb off.

"What are we doing, Cas?" Dean murmurs against Castiel’s mouth.

"I don't know…But I can't stop it. Can you?"

As an answer, Dean pushes his tongue inside Castiel’s mouth, and then he gives a small whimper, throwing his arms round Dean’s neck. After a few heartbeats, Castiel pulls Dean to the bed with him, on top of him. They stare at each other in silence, breathing fast, pupils dilated, sweat coating their foreheads. “I missed you, Cas. I missed you so much,” Dean whispers, cupping Castiel’s face with one hand.

And Castiel, feeling like a dam is breaking, pulls Dean to him, crushing their lips together. He missed Dean too. He missed his smell, his taste, his touch, his weight. But, most of all, he missed the happiness he felt when he was with Dean. And, as he murmurs the other man’s name, he asks himself if what they have now – this attraction that has no definition, but keeps pulling them to each other – is enough.

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

It’s not morning yet, but it will be soon. Castiel wakes up with his head cushioned by an arm. He feels comfortable and rested, like he hasn’t felt in a long time. They fell asleep facing each other, but separated, but somehow, that changed in their sleep, because now their legs are intertwined, Dean’s arm is around Castiel’s waist and Castiel’s head is resting on Dean’s shoulder.

Dean‘s still great in bed. Of course, teenager Castiel didn’t have any basis for comparison, but now he has and… shit, if anything, Dean got even better with time, like wine. He’s a considerate lover, making sure Castiel enjoyed – a lot – what they were doing. His body is more defined, he’s more flexible, shyness in bed seems to be a foreign concept to him. Castiel loves it.

But it’s the small things that tug at Castiel’s heart. Things young Dean did, that older Dean does too, and they make Castiel remember that he didn’t get to keep Dean; that too much time has passed between ‘then’ and ‘now’. That they spent more than a decade apart. Little things, like chanting Castiel’s name when he’s about to come, like squeezing his eyes shut and biting his lower lip when he’s coming, like smiling lazily and sated at Castiel when they finish, his green eyes shining.

If Castiel is not careful, he may fall for Dean again. But of course, it won’t happen, because Castiel is careful, he knows better. He’s an adult; he can have fun with a friend, can’t he? And later, when this is over, they can see each other as if nothing happened and it’ll be okay, because they’re civilized people and no one’s going to get too attached here. Castiel will not make the same mistake twice.

He watches Dean sleep for a while. It seems that old habits die hard. If Dean was handsome before, now he's mesmerizing. Light stubble covers his chin and part of his cheeks. There are lines around his eyes, and Castiel wants to think they're laugh lines rather than worry lines or squinting-in-the-desert ones. His skin is tanned, especially his face and his arms, and it's even more freckled. Castiel loves it; Dean’s freckles were always his weakness.

Dean opens his eyes slowly and smiles. “G’morning’ “ he mumbles.

“Not morning yet. Go back to sleep.”

Dean blinks sleepily. “What time’s it?”

“Almost five.” He takes his head off Dean’s arm. “You don’t have to go, if you don’t want to. You don’t even have a car. I can take you home on my way to the hospital.”

Dean frowns. “What about Claire?”

“She’s sleeping at a friend’s house, remember?”

“Okay.” Dean runs his hand over Castiel’s stomach, in a soft caress Castiel hadn’t realized he missed until now. His hand keeps moving until he finds Castiel’s hardness. At Dean’s soft touch, his hips buckles and a low groan escapes his lips. Dean’s already hard too, pressing into his hip. Castiel feels a surge of excitement inside him, knowing he can make this beautiful man want him.

Castiel pulls Dean on top of him and they start to move together in silence, except for their heavy breathing and soft, low moans. Dean’s moves increase, like he can’t go fast enough or get close enough. His eyes are closed, like he’s savoring this, like he missed this. Castiel’s eyes are wide open, staring at him, feeling like he’ll go insane if he takes his eyes off this man. And then he wants to see Dean’s eyes too, wants to see his pupils blown wide.

“Open your eyes, Dean,” he rasps. “I want to see them when you come.”

The words make Dean moan louder and Castiel starts to buck his hips against Dean, faster, harder with each thrust.

“God, Cas…” Dean opens his eyes, and yes, his pupils are wide with lust.

“So perfect, Dean…” Castiel whispers between breaths. He can’t stop staring. Dean’s cheeks are flushed, his lips are swollen, there’s sweat coming down the side of his face.

“Cas, Cas…” Their frantic pace grows and grows and then Castiel is falling, crashing on a sea of fire, gasping for breath. He feels Dean’s movements increasing, until he goes very quiet and collapses over Castiel with a long, sated sigh.

Then Dean rolls onto his side, his back to Castiel, and with his hand reaching back, he fumbles until he finds Castiel’s arm and pulls it around his waist, so Castiel’s hand is over his chest. “Come closer,” he instructs, snuggling his backs comfortably against Castiel. “Wake me up when you have to leave.”

Castiel tries to sleep again, and even though he’s tired, he can’t. Not with Dean’s hair tickling his nose, Dean’s heartbeat against his hand, Dean’s body molded to his. There can’t be a more comfortable position in the whole world. But his chest is constricting again; it feels like a hidden and hushed emotion, long ago forgotten, is trying to gain the surface and escape. So he stays awake, relishing in the feeling of closeness, and listens to Dean breathing until the first rays of sunshine color the sky.


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER 10

 

When Dean enters the kitchen later, Castiel is already dressed to go to the hospital. Since it’s Saturday, he doesn’t have to go early, but he still needs to be there today. Dean comes with his very short hair wet, in last night’s pants, but he’s wearing a white t-shirt, one of Castiel’s. “I hope you don’t mind,” he says as greeting. “I took a shower and I needed at least a clean shirt.”

“I have an unopened package of underwear if you want.”

“No need. I’m wearing one of your clean ones.” He comes closer and kisses Castiel lightly on the lips. “But I found a new toothbrush in the bathroom and used it, okay?”

Castiel smiles into the kiss. Apparently Dean has already made himself at home. “Okay. You want breakfast?”

“Sure. What are my options? I’m starving.”

“Scrambled eggs and toast.” Castiel turns back to the pan, stirring the eggs with a spoon. “There’s orange juice in the fridge and coffee on the counter.”

“Coffee is great, thanks.”

Dean sits down while Castiel finishes the eggs. The toasts are ready, so he puts all the food on the table and sits too, looking at Dean. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yep. Hey, we didn’t eat anything yesterday.”

“Sorry, but we were… engaged in other activities,” Castiel deadpans.

Dean laughs. “Dude, I’m not complaining. I didn’t even think about food last night.”

“That must be a first. You always think with your stomach, if I recall correctly.”

“Hey!” Dean says indignantly, throwing his napkin at Castiel. “Asshole.”

Castiel raises an eyebrow. “Did this aspect of your charming personality change? Really?”

Dean shoves a forkful of eggs in his mouth. “Not really,” he says, with his mouth still full. “I’m a creature of habit.”

“Indeed,” Castiel says, unable to contain his laugh anymore. It’s comfortable, this light banter, like they’re old friends – old lovers, in this case – like this is routine for them.

For Castiel, breakfast consists in a toast and black coffee, no sugar. For Dean, it consists in two eggs, a toast with butter and another with strawberry jelly, orange juice and coffee with a lot of sugar and cream. Wow. That’s… a lot of food. Dean must have a wonderfully fast metabolism.

Then Dean wipes his mouth and looks at Castiel, his expression showing a little bit of worry. “I think we should talk. Don’t you? A lot has happened and we… we need to sort things out, Cas.”

Castiel wants to say that yes, they really need to talk. But should they? He doesn’t know, and he doesn’t want to thing about this now. Dean is so close, and Castiel still feels the ghosts of his hands on his body from last night. “I’m not sure,” he ends up saying.

“Why not?” Dean frowns. He takes a sip of his coffee, his Adam’s apple bobbing and God, he’s already sexy this time in the morning.

“Dean, I…” Castiel tries really hard to put into words what he’s feeling right now. “Maybe we should leave the past in the past. I’m not sure I want to, um… to talk about it. It’s not going to change anything.”

Dean’s eyes dim a little. “I know, Cas. But, this is kinda important. I really need you to know that I… that everything’s changed now. That I’m changed. I… I learned a lot from my mistakes. And - “

Castiel puts his palms up. “You don’t owe me anything, Dean. That… that was a long time ago.”

“Still. I need you to - “

“Dean, please,” Castiel almost begs. “This attraction between us, it’s… it works, right? So, could we just… focus on this,“ Castiel makes a gesture with his hand, indicating both men, “instead of what happened so many years ago?”

Dean sighs. “Okay. If that’s what you want…” he finishes the rest of his coffee in one long sip. “I don’t quite agree with you, but okay. Um… what about the future? Can we talk about that?”

“The future?” Castiel is not sure he can think about anything besides the present.

“Dude, have you thought about what are we gonna tell the kids?”

Castiel stops. “The kids?” he pretends he didn’t understand, but shit, he did. Dean wants to tell the kids? About them? “Dean… are you sure it’s a good idea?”

The smile vanishes from Dean’s face. “You don’t want to tell them?”

“No. Yes. I mean, look - “

“Cas, if you regret what we did last night, all you have to do is tell me. I’m a big boy, I can take it.”

“It’s not like that at all.”

“And how is it, exactly?” Dean crosses his arms, waiting for Castiel to explain.

In Castiel’s head, sirens are ringing loudly ‘stall, stall, stall,’ and he takes a sip of his coffee to decide what exactly he wants to say. “Dean,” he starts, and clears his throat, wipes his mouth with the napkin and folds it carefully. He can feel Dean’s not so patient eyes on him. “Dean. The thing is, we don’t know each other.”

Dean looks at Castiel in disbelief. “What the hell, man? We know each other for years, and I’d go as far as saying we know each other in the biblical sense.”

“I meant we changed, Dean!” Castiel’s palms are sweating again. “We’re not the same people we were eighteen years ago! There’s a lot we don’t know about each other. And… maybe it would be wiser if we get to… to know each other first? Take things slow? To see if this is really what we want?”

Dean eyes Castiel suspiciously, as if he knows that Castiel’s real reason is that he’s terrified. He needs to keep his distance somehow, or he’ll be devastated again when Dean leaves. And this time it’ll be worse, he can feel it.

“You have a point,” Dean finally concedes. “Maybe it’s a good idea to take things slow. But you mean, we can’t, uh… do this anymore?”

“Not ‘that’ slow, Dean.”

“Good. Good. But… I don’t like to sneak around. I promised myself that I’d never hide who I am, ever again. Ben’s known I’m bi since he was old enough to understand it. It’s not… hiding is not something I feel comfortable doing.”

“It’s not hiding, Dean. But… I’ve never brought anyone here to my home. Anyone. I need to decide how I’m going to tell Claire about this. I haven’t… dated so much. She’s not used to me having anyone in my life.”

“Okay,” Dean doesn’t look happy, but Castiel is relieved he agrees with him, at least for now.

“And… listen, there’s another issue. I’m still your doctor. There’s a conflict of interest here; we should take this into account.”

“What the fuck, man?”

“That’s how hospital politics is. It’s strictly forbidden for a doctor to… have any relationship with a patient beyond the realm of professionalism. I could lose my job if someone knew we’re… and… um, you even went to the hospital to see me the other day, and I took you to the break room and… people may talk, and it would be really bad.”

“Well shit. This never crossed my mind, I swear.”

Castiel feels guilty. Of course the hospital has rigid politics about doctor/patient relationship, but it’s not as if Castiel’s job is in danger. Although they made the mistake of making out in the break room, they were lucky, no one saw them. Still, Castiel needs more time to decide what to do about this thing between them. It’s not his body he’s worried with; it’s his heart. “It’s okay. I… I don’t think anyone saw us.”

“What do we do, then? Sneak around forever?” the corner of Dean’s mouth are turned down, and he looks definitely unhappy with this topic.

Dean saying ‘forever’ makes Castiel’s stomach flip. This is not something he can have, so it would be great if Dean stopped acting as if they’re dating. “We keep things between us for a while; we get to know each other better. In the mean time, we complete your treatment.”

“You have everything already figured out, huh?”

Castiel shrugs. “It’s just a suggestion. You don’t have to agree.”

Dean sighs and gets up. “Of course I agree. I don’t like it but I don’t want to… jeopardize your job.”

Castiel gets up too. “Thank you.” He’s relieved. The last thing he wants is to have to tell Claire ‘ _guess what, sweetheart, your boyfriend’s dad is my fuck buddy!’_ He hopes Dean doesn’t insist on this again anytime soon, because he has no idea what he’ll do.

Dean comes closer. “Uh… Cas? What time do you have to be at the hospital again?” He puts his hands on Castiel’s waist and pulls him until their bodies are fit together.

“In about an hour or two.”

“Oh. And… do you know of something we could do to… pass the time?” Dean’s expression is mischievous, and he’s smiling devilishly.

Castiel’s insides flutter. He puts his arms around his shoulders. This he can do. Feel instead of talk. This is easy. “I can think of a few things, yes.”

“Care to show me?” Dean nibbles Castiel’s neck.

“If you insist…” Castiel opens up to Dean’s kiss and forgets about everything else in the world.

He arrives at the hospital three hours later.

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

_When Castiel went to Boston, alone, he wanted the world to end. He thought about Dean’s rejection all the time. He spent a week in a cheap hotel, lying in bed, under the covers. He only got up to eat when his stomach hurt too much. He only talked to anyone when his mom called, obviously worried, and he told her he was fine, but he lied. In fact, he wanted to die. He didn’t want to kill himself, no; he just wanted a meteor to fall on his bedroom and take everything with it, especially his pain._

_He felt lost, empty and completely alone. Like there was no one else in the world. He knew feeling like that was useless, because Dean would not come back, and every time he thought about it, he felt a sharp pain in his heart, like it was breaking in a million pieces, in a million new ways. It was a coldness inside him that refused to go away._

_On the first day of college, he dragged himself to the dorms and, joy of joys, met his roommate. Fergus Crowley was strange, and although he dressed as a businessman, in fact he was a mash of pimp, drug dealer and drinks and moneylender. He informed Castiel that he conducted his business from this very bedroom, and Castiel had two choices: get out of his way or join him. Castiel had no idea what a guy like that was doing at Harvard, of all places, but he didn’t dare asking._

_So, his first week at college was spent almost entirely hiding in the library. He went to his bedroom only to sleep, and Crowley was almost always there with someone else, sometimes in various states of undress, and they barely acknowledge Castiel’s presence. He would lie on his bed as quietly as he could and hide under the covers, praying to sleep, which hardly ever happened. He also prayed to die, but that didn’t happen too. His bedroom smelled like sex, cigarette, marijuana and beer, and it made him sick._

_With every passing day he felt worse. Lack of sleep gave him an endless headache and a huge difficulty in concentrating. Therefore, he could not study properly, and the college he’d dreamed of turned into a nightmare._

_He tried the first marijuana cigarette a month later. Since you cannot fight them, join them, right? In the beginning, it was wonderful; all his problems were suddenly gone. Even better was cocaine, whose first short-term effects – euphoria and pleasure – were extremely welcome. But after that, came the excitement, hyperactivity, lack of appetite and insomnia, which were totally counterproductive for someone who wanted to study medicine. He soon gave up on drugs, and he was lucky not to have been hooked._

_Only, along with the drugs, came the sex and the heavy drinking. Crowley was the first he went to bed with, but then came Bartholomew, Ephraim, Daniel, Thaddeus, Virgil, and a bunch of others whose names he didn’t remember. But not even that was enough to make him feel better. To make matters worse, he was failing almost all of his classes, and it was only a matter of time before Castiel would be invited to find another college. He felt lost in a Russian roulette without end, a carousel that spun faster and faster and left him dizzy and helpless. He knew a lot of people, but he didn’t have a single friend._

_He never understood why Amelia Sanders approached him. He still went to the library a lot, when he was sober, to try to study so his family wouldn’t know he was such a mess. One day, she sat beside him and said she’s been watching him for a long time, since she worked there. She said she had been watching his downfall, and couldn’t take it anymore. He looked like he needed a friend. She made him drink a huge cup of coffee, two glasses of water and eat half a sandwich. She sat beside him again, when her shift was over, and helped him organize his notes and books._

_“I’m not coming onto you, I swear. I live with my boyfriend, Jimmy.”_

_Their friendship started without much effort. Amelia was older than him, and she was fun to be around, exactly what Castiel, eternally taciturn, needed. Whenever Castiel asked her why she’d helped him, she would just shrug, smile and say she’d always wanted a baby brother. “You remind me of a grumpy kitten, Cas. You look like you need a lot of love.” She never failed to make him smile._

_Amelia invited Castiel to live with her and Jimmy. “We have an extra bedroom. You can’t stay with that Crowley, I don’t want you to turn into a junkie.”_

_“Yes, mom,” he joked, but he was relieved. After getting reprimanded by a teacher in front of everyone because he literally fell asleep in class, he realized he needed to get out of this hole or he’d be eaten alive, so he said yes._

_Jimmy was a strange guy; he played zither and harp in a new age band. He looked very… alternative. With cotton shirts and torn old jeans, he was the spitting image of a hippie. But, like his mother always said, never judge a book by its cover. Jimmy was a great guy, and he had this air on him, like a peaceful vibe, like he was always happy. Amelia and Jimmy saved Castiel’s life._

_As the weeks progressed, Castiel lost himself in his classes, studying hard and trying to keep busy at all times. Slowly, he stopped drinking and sleeping around. Slowly, thinking about Dean didn’t hurt so much. He studied harder, managed not to fail the whole semester by a miracle. Life went on, and it seemed that he was finally back on track._

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

Dean decides to move out of his parent’s house. It’s amazing how he manages to find a place to live after just one week, but it’s exactly what happens. Castiel is recruited by Claire to help Dean moving to his new house, since his leg is still recovering and he isn’t allowed to carry too much weight. Sadly, Benny is recruited too.

“Hey brother!” Benny says when he hugs – hugs! – Dean as soon as he opens the door.

Castiel wants to high five Benny. With a chair. On his face. Did he have to hug Dean? Had he never heard of shaking hands?

The kids are in the kitchen with Mary and Castiel is trying – very hard – to assemble a bookcase purchased at Ikea. Castiel is an orthopedic surgeon, assembling a bookshelf should not be too hard, right? After all, he saves lives, fixes broken bones... But he is now looking at the shelf, which is hanging to the side, and he cannot understand what went wrong. The instructions must be incomplete, or the set came with a missing piece.

Benny smiles crookedly at him. “Hi there, doc. Having any problems?”

“Hello Benedict.” Castiel knows Benny hates his name, so he speaks as slowly as he can. “Everything is fine, thank you.”

Benny narrows his eyes at him. “I don’t know, doc, this bookshelf looks a little crooked. “ He turns to Dean and puts a hand – more like a paw – on his shoulder. “I have one like that at home. It’s no trouble, I can do it.”

Why the hell does Benny seem unable to stop touching Dean? Castiel opens his mouth to say no, but Benny comes and takes the key slot from him with a swift move Dean covers his mouth with one hand, probably to hide a smile, the traitor. Castiel is shocked, and takes one step in Benny’s direction, but Dean stops between the two men.

“Um, Dr. Novak, let me give you some lemonade. You look tired.” Dean widens his eyes at Castiel and indicates the door with his head.

“Yeah, Dr. Novak, you look tired,” Benny says, and Castiel can hear the sarcasm in his voice.

Dean grabs Castiel by the sleeve and pulls him to the door. The apartment is on the ground floor so Dean won’t have to deal with stairs so much – that’s what convinced Mary that he could move away from her motherly watch. Dean opens the front door, steps outside and pulls Castiel with him. He then closes the door behind them, puts his hands on his hips and turns to him.

“What the effing crap you think you’re doing?”

“Right now I’m not doing anything, because your friend just took the key slot from – “

“I meant why are you acting all jealous around people? I thought no one was supposed to know about us?”

“I’m not jealous.”

“Really?” Dean winks at him, takes a step closer until his mouth is close to Castiel’s ear. “Well, it’s a pity. I love when you’re jealous.”

Castiel is instantly hard and, oh God, Dean’s breath is hot against his ear. He looks around, hoping that no one sees the state he’s in, and suddenly Ben opens the door.

“Dad? Mr. Novak? What are you doing here?”

Castiel turns his back to the door, horrified, and says “We came out here for a lemonade,” because it was what Dean said, and how would he know that Dean would say “He needed fresh air,” at the same time?

Ben looks from one to the other. “Uh… all right… but the lemonade is in the fridge. In the, you know… kitchen. And… it’s … January. It’s freezing out here.”

“That’s why we were going back inside,” Castiel says, because he’s so mortified, that his hard-on died the instant Ben opened the frigging door. Looking at the floor to hide how red his cheeks must be, he passes father and son and goes straight to Dean’s bedroom, where he grabs a can of paint and a brush and starts painting the walls without even noticing what color he’s putting on them.

…  
…

When they finish everything, they order pizza. Everyone’s chatting animatedly and Castiel sits in a corner, looking at the way Benny laughs at Dean, the way he touches his arm and puts another slice of pizza on Dean’s plate. Okay, he’ll admit it: he’s jealous. But Benny is probably just a tactile person, because isn’t he married?

“Dad?” Claire sits beside him. You barely touched your pizza.”

“I’m not hungry, sweetie.”

“You want to go home? I have to study for a test anyways.”

“Yes, if you don’t mind… I’m tired. I really need to sleep.” Besides, his clothes are practically covered in paint, but at least he managed to finish the bedroom, Dean will be able to sleep in it as soon as the paint dries.

He gets up and walks to Mary. “Mrs. Winchester, I’ll be on my way if you don’t mind.”

“Of course not, Cas. Thank you so much for your help.” She’s all smiles as she gives him a plate with leftovers. She probably thinks he doesn’t have food in his house, or maybe it’s just a mom’s thing, wanting to feed everyone.

He says goodbye to everyone from the door, waving at them. He’s fuming, because Benny doesn’t give any indication of leaving anytime soon. Ben and Claire are wrapped in a hug near a the living room window, and Castiel clears his throat. “We need to go, Claire.”

“Thank you for coming, Castiel,” Dean says from the armchair. He motions to get up, but Castiel shakes his head and raises a hand.

“Stay where you are, you need to rest.”

Benny’s annoying voice says “That’s what I told him doc, he’s already made enough effort for one day.”

Castiel ignores Benny. He waves awkwardly at Dean. “Goodbye Dean, um… see you at the follow-up next week.”

With that, he leaves, relieved that he’ll be finally able to breathe. Being around Dean and not touching him proved to be a lot harder than Castiel thought.

…  
…

As soon as he parks the car into the garage, his iPhone buzzes quietly inside his pocket. He pulls it out, and it’s a message from Dean.

_Sent everyone home. Can U come back?_

Claire opens the passenger door and gets out of the car, walking to the front door, carrying Castiel’s leftovers with her.

 _Are you alone?_ He types.

 _Yep. Look in your trench coat, front pocket._ Comes the answer.

Puzzled, Castiel puts his hand inside his pocket and there’s a small object in there, it feels like… a key. He looks at it, and it takes a few seconds to understand.

_You gave me a key to your house?_

Dean’s answer is not what he’s expecting. _I’m already in my underwear._

“Claire?” Castiel calls, not even leaving the car. “They need me at the hospital.”

“Oh crap, Dad. Now? At least change your clothes!”

“I don’t have time for that, I have spare clothes there.”

“Okay then, see you later!” Claire is used to her father’s work, she knows things like that happen all the time. She waves at him and goes inside.

Castiel can’t even feel guilty for lying to his daughter like this. All he thinks of is Dean, Dean.

He uses the key to open Dean’s door. The living room is empty. “Dean?” he calls.

“In here!” comes his voice, from the bedroom.

When Castiel gets there, Dean is pulling clean sheets over the bed. He wasn’t lying when he said he was in his underwear. It’s black and Dean looks gorgeous in it. To be honest, he’s always gorgeous, but that’s totally not the point. Thank God Dean’s already turned the heater on.

“Hey Cas!” Dean smiles at him, and Castiel can’t wait any longer. With two long strides, he approaches Dean without another word, grabs his face with both hands and kisses him savagely.

Dean kisses back, throwing his arms around Castiel’s neck and pulling him closer. Castiel walkes forward, still holding Dean’s face, still kissing him hard and forcing him to walk backwards, until Dean’s legs make contact with the bed. Dean is pushed not too gently against the mattress and he moans loudly when Castiel holds his writs at each side of his head.

Castiel nibbles Dean’s jaw, descends to his collarbone and chest, until he finds his bellybutton. Dean shivers when Castiel’s tongue slowly circles the spot, and he tries to get his wrists free, maybe to hold Castiel closer.

“No.” Castiel says hoarsely, and he returns to Dean’s lips, bruising them again in a hot and wet kiss and grinding their hips together. “Don’t move.”

Dean squeezes his eyes shut and nods, lips parted, panting. Castiel finally releases his wrists and gets up. When his weight leaves Dean, he opens his eyes and complains at the loss of contact. “C’mere.”

“I said don’t move,” Castiel says, but his voice is silky instead of surly. Slowly, very slowly, he starts to undress, never taking his eyes off Dean’s ones. Dean seems hypnotized, so Castiel takes his time. He was never one prone to stripteases, but right now he feels powerful, with Dean’s eyes glued to him like that, so full of lust. It’s unbelievable that he’s able to turn this man on. It’s amazing.

Naked, he slips Dean’s underwear off him, as slowly as he was undressing. “Cas…” Dean moans, “please…”

“What, Dean?” Castiel approaches him, hovering close but not really touching.

“Please…” Dean begs. “Please.”

“Tell me what you want, Dean.” Castiel’s voice is soft and low, but it leaves no doubt that he’s demanding an answer.

“I want you. I’m ready, come here, Cas.”

Castiel parts Dean’s legs and nestles between them. He kisses him again, not as bruising as before, and he lifts his legs and puts it on his shoulders. “Do you feel any pain?” He needs to know, he doesn’t want Dean’s knee to suffer unnecessary strain.

Dean shakes his head no. “C’mere, Cas.”

Castiel doesn't even know how he manages to prepare Dean. Time moves agonizingly slowly and amazingly fast at the same time. Dean moans when Castiel's fingers move inside him, and it's the most beautiful sound in the world. When Castiel is inside Dean, everything stops. His head spins, his breath hitches, his heart dances madly inside his chest. He stops for a second, trying to regain some control, because he’s so turned on that this can end pretty fast. Dean’s eyes are still on his, shining with lust, but there’s something else in there too, and Castiel is afraid to find out what it is, so he closes his eyes and breathes deeply until he calms himself.

The thing is that, being inside Dean was always too much and this time is no different, so Castiel gives up waiting. “You alright?” he asks. In answer, Dean buckles his hips up and moans when Castiel goes deeper inside him.

That’s all it takes. The thrusts start to go faster, Castiel’s whole body is on fire, he’s overwhelmed with lust and he needs to have Dean closer, closer, more. The rhythm grows and Dean starts chanting his name. Castiel loves to hear it, he always loved when Dean is about to come and he starts to call for him. He wonders if Dean is like that with all the people he’s ever been with.

And that, that single thought, awakens something inside Castiel, something that he can’t name. Dean’s with him. Him and no one else. There’s no place for others in his life right now. “You’re mine,” he grunts. “You’re mine, Dean.”

Dean moans again, and his arms grip Castiel tighter, his nails leaving red marks on Castiel’s backs. “I’m yours,” he breathes. “Yours.”

With that, fire pools low in Castiel’s lower belly and he’s shuttering into a million pieces, shockwaves tearing him apart and Dean’s arms are the only thing anchoring him on Earth. Dean curses and moans his name once more, then arches his back and goes still as he spills between them , untouched.

He opens his eyes a while later, not knowing if he slept or if he just passed out. He’s arranged on the bed in his side, clean and covered with the duvet. Dean is behind him, holding him close.

“You awake?” Dean asks.

“Yes.” Castiel feels his limbs heavy and his head light. Wow. That was… “mind blowing.”

Dean kisses the back of his neck. “Cas? You’re not really jealous of Benny, are you? ‘Cause even if he weren’t straight, I wouldn’t… I’m with you.”

Castiel breathes in deeply and lets the air out slowly. “I know.”

“Okay.”

They stay quiet for a while, but Castiel knows Dean’s not sleeping. Then Dean chuckles. “Cas?”

“Mmmm?”

“Why did you paint my room yellow?”

Castiel looks around and the walls are… wow, yellow. Completely yellow. “Um. The yellow paint was here. In this room.”

“Dude, only because there was no other place to put the cans, with people everywhere else. The place is small, you know. But the yellow was for the kitchen. The bedroom was supposed to be blue.”

“Oh.”


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

 

In the months that follow, a lot happens.

Dean is hired for KU’s next semester. Castiel had no idea you had to be an architectural engineer before you start a military engineering career. Dean is not only licensed, he has also a master’s degree. KU has a 4-year program in architecture engineering, and Dean will teach ‘Project Controls’, whatever this is.

Castiel and Dean are still seeing each other frequently. On weekdays, Castiel sometimes goes to Dean’s apartment when he leaves the hospital early. They have dinner together, usually take-out, but other times they’re so hungry for each other that they go straight to the bedroom – sometimes they don’t even get there – and completely forget about food.

Then, Castiel goes home, tired as hell, and has dinner with Claire, because she usually waits for him. Therefore, he starts waking up an hour earlier so he can run before work, because he’s starting to worry about getting fat.

It’s… undefined, this thing he has with Dean. He likes his company. They’re slowly relearning each other, in and out of the bedroom. Dean is the same funny, larger than life guy he was when Castiel fell in love with him. But now there’s a layer of maturity – and sadness – in him, like he’s seen too much, lost too much, gone through hard times Castiel can’t even begin to imagine.

He feels guilty, hiding Dean like he’s a dirty little secret, but he can’t risk telling everyone, because then he would be admitting that he cares about Dean, and when he leaves, Castiel wouldn’t stand the looks of pity thrown his way.

The thing is that he’s already falling for Dean, all over again. At first he thought it was just the novelty of having someone, the excitement, the fact that adult Dean is as fascinating, in all aspects, as younger Dean was. But he fears it’s not the case, he fears he’s already on his way to lov- oh God, he can’t even think of the word.

“You’re different, Clearance,” Meg tells him. “You’re hiding something from me.”

“I bet it’s a new lover,” Balthazar smirks. “He looks well-fucked.”

“Crass as always, aren’t you?” Meg snorts.

“Balthazar, please.” Castiel looks at Cole, embarrassed, but the nurse is pretending he didn’t hear anything. He hopes no one in the ER saw Dean and– he stops himself. He’s paranoid, that’s what he is, it’s been more than three months; of course no one saw them at New Year’s Eve, or it would already be the favorite gossip of the whole KU Med.

“What?” Balthazar feigns innocence. “Being well-fucked is a good look on you. You need to introduce us, Cassie. We could- “

“Don’t even start, Balthazar!” Castiel raises his voice and everyone looks at him. He closes his eyes in consternation, but he can bet his car that Balthazar was about to suggest a threesome and… Come on, first Benny, now Balthazar? Castiel will not share Dean with anyone. Not now, not ever.

In this moment, Dr. Castiel Novak has an epiphany.

It’s then that he realizes he’s already in love with Dean. Again. He’s already head over heels for the guy, and he doesn’t know what to do. He wants to stop this before he gets hurt, but he can’t, because seeing Dean is the best part of his day. He’s never felt so alive.

He almost panics. Almost. He pales and starts to sweat, but Meg holds his arm and pulls him to the corridor, where she makes him drink some water and tells him to man up, because his patient is on his way to have his hip replaced for prosthesis.

“Don’t think I won’t want to hear all the details about him later.”

“How do you know there’s someone?”

“Come on, Clearance. You do look well-fucked, you know.”

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

_“Hello, Mr. Winchester, is Dean home?”_

_John opened the door and barely looked at Castiel “He went to take Sam to a friend’s house.”_

_“Okay, I’ll come back later.” Castiel turned to leave because the last thing he wanted was to be near John._

_Since Dean’s birthday, he and John haven’t said a word to each other. Dean says his father was an asshole and he didn’t care what John did, but Castiel knew he was hurt because his father called him a fag and said he wasn’t a man._

_“Wait. I want to talk to you.”_

_“I need to go back home. My mother’s waiting.”_

_“It will only take a minute.”_

_Castiel nodded and got back inside the house. “Yes?” he said, refusing to be afraid._

_“I want to ask you to leave Dean alone.”_

_“What?”_

_“You heard me. You’re turning him into a faggot. He’s a great kid, but he’s a little easy to influence. And you’re turning my son into something he’s not.”_

_“Mr. Winchester, I suggest you read about this, try to educate yourself, because I assure you that Dean was born this way. No one can turn another parson gay.”_

_“Don’t talk to me like that!” John invaded Castiel’s personal space. “You know all he wants with you is sex, don’t you? Because girls, girls are proper, they don’t go sleeping around. And Dean’s a teenager, so you – you slut, you lured him with the promise that he can have sex all the time, and that’s why he’s with you! My son is not a fag!”_

_John screamed so much that Castiel was almost deaf. But he refused to take a step back. “You’re wrong. And I don’t care what you think about me. All I care is about Dean’s opinion.”_

_“Leave him. You’re gonna ruin his life. He can still find a nice girl and get married. But you – “_

_“Dad? Cas?” Dean’s horrified voice came from the door. He was paralyzed, holding the car keys and he looked so pale that Castiel thought he was going to faint._

_“Dean, please son, listen to your dad. I want what’s best for you.”_

_Dean held up his hand, palm up, to Castiel, who grabbed it without blinking. “You know what would be really good for me, Dad?” he asked, his voice trembling. “If you had never come back.”_

_He and Castiel left and ran to the Impala. Inside, Dean held Castiel so tight that he was almost suffocating. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, he’s a jerk, you didn’t deserve to hear that.”_

_“It doesn’t matter, Dean,” Castiel assured him, but he couldn’t deny he was shaken by John’s words._

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

At night, when he goes to Dean’s house, he’s nervous. Today he’ll be able to stay until later, because Claire went to the movies with Ben and their friends.

“What happened?” Dean asks, kissing Castiel and pressing him against the door as soon as he closes it.

Castiel can’t tell him. “A patient died,” he lies, because it’s easer than saying ‘I’m in panic because I’m in love with you’.

“I’m sorry, Cas.” Dean kisses his cheek then, and releases him. “You hungry? I made chili!” he announces proudly. “Bobby’s recipe, but I added a few personal touches.”

Dean said once he would love if Castiel cooked for him, because Claire often sings praises to her dad’s culinary abilities, but it’s often the other way around. With too much time on his hands until his job starts next semester, Dean’s learning to cook, and Castiel is his guinea pig. Not that Castiel minds. Dean’s attempts to cook have resulted in delicious meals so far.

“Perhaps later,” Castiel says, grabbing Dean and kissing him hard. He pushes his tongue inside Dean’s mouth, eager to feel Dean around him again. It’s like a drug, and he’s already addicted, it’s too late for him. He’s lost, he’s in love, he doesn’t know what to do with it.

He drags Dean to the sofa and takes his clothes off. He hides his face in the crook of Dean’s neck and when he’s inside him again, when he’s home, he breathes his scent in, wondering how he can be able to live without this. And the answer is simple: he can’t.

His movements are long and fast, and Dean doesn’t stop kissing him, but sometimes he smiles into the kiss, looking at Castiel fondly, like Castiel makes him happy and there’s no one else he’s rather be.

“Dean,” he pants, “I’m not going to last.”

“Me neither,” Dean says simply. “It’s okay Cas. Let go for me.”

“Oh God, Dean, I…” Castiel gasps and then he shudders, his movements erratic. His vision fades almost to black and then a bright light appears, tendrils of light taking Castiel along its waves. He opens his eyes and Dean is still holding him, but he has a slight frown on his brows. “What happened?”

“Please, not now,” he pleads, and he kisses Dean lightly on the lips.

Dean sighs and hold him closer. “Okay. Later.”

They take a short nap, wrapped around each other and later they eat. And although the chili is really good, Castiel is quiet. Dean’s doing his best to cheer him up, but even his silly jokes aren’t working today. After dinner they watch TV lying together on the couch, and Castiel doesn’t pay attention, because Dean’s the little spoon again and his hair smells like shampoo and it’s soft against Castiel’s cheek, so he stays quiet and just breathes in, enjoying the moment while it lasts.

Because, in the end, it doesn’t last.

Dean gets up to make popcorn, because Dr. Who is about to start. “Guess who I’m seeing tomorrow?” he asks, when he comes back from the kitchen with a huge bowl in hand.

Castiel frowns. “Who?”

“My doctor!” Dean is all smiles, and something deep inside Castiel breaks, because God, he’s so handsome and Castiel loves him so much, and he can’t deal with this right now.

Castiel barely registers what Dean said. “I...” he stalls, looking lost.

“Cas! Gosh, you’re really out of it today!” Dean sits beside Castiel on the couch again and kisses him lightly. “I meant you, dumbass. Tomorrow I have a follow-up with you. Aaaannd… Benny already said I’m good as new, so I think my treatment is complete!” He looks at Castiel expectantly.

Dean really looks okay. He can move his leg normally, and there’s only a big red scar that will hopefully turn white with time. “I… I don’t know, Dean. I’ll need to see your new x-rays. But if Benny says you’re all right and your physical therapy is done, then yes, I expect you’ll be released from my care.”

Dean kisses him again. “I love when you give me this doctor-talk, you know? But hey, I think you and I already tested my knee a few times, huh? The other day we did it in the shower and I-“

“I remember,” Castiel can’t help but smile. Dean looks so happy with his knee completely all right, and Castiel is grateful for having helped the man he loves to walk again.

“So, I was thinking…” Dean looks at Castiel and his eyes are full of excitement and hope. “Tomorrow, when I’m not your patient anymore, we’ll be able to tell everyone we’re dating, right?”

Castiel’s heart starts to beat so fast that he’s sure he’s going to have a heart attack. “What?”

“That’s what we agreed on. You remember, right?”

“I remember.” God, no. Please, not today, when Castiel is already freaking out. He can’t do this now, he just can’t.

Dean frowns, puts the popcorn bowl on the coffee table and shifts on the couch, turning fully to face Castiel. He crosses his arms and he doesn’t look happy at all.

“What now, Cas? You’ve been off all night. Don’t think I believe that you’re like that because of a patient. We’ve been together for three months. You said there was a conflict of interest, all right, I even moved to my own place so we can meet in peace. So we can ‘hide’ in peace! Now what, there’s another excuse why we can’t tell people we’re together?”

Castiel cringes at the word ‘excuse’. He wants to tell Dean that they can tell everyone, that he’d love to tell everyone. But he remains silent, looking at Dean, begging him silently to stop.

But Dean is not a mind reader, so he doesn’t like Castiel’s silence one bit. “Cas. Tell me that tomorrow you’re gonna see my fucking x-rays and tell me my knee’s in perfect shape and you’re not going to be my doctor anymore, so there’s no reason for us to keep this a secret.”

Castiel looks at him and remains silent.

Dean huffs a breath. “Then tell me what the problem is now, because you look like you can’t wait to get out of here.”

“I’m not ready,” Castiel blurts out. “I’m not ready to tell everyone about us.”

“What the hell? Why?” Dean gets up, and now he’s towering over Castiel, not threateningly, but indignantly.

Castiel looks up at him and he just… he can’t give Dean a reason. He can’t say he doesn’t trust him not to break his heart again. He can’t say he’s terrified, because he’s in love, and the only other time he fell in love – with Dean, because he was the only one Castiel has ever loved – he ended up so broken that he thought he was going to die.

“Dean… I just can’t.”

“What, you’re still in the closet? ‘Cause if you are, I… I can wait. I mean, I thought Claire knew you’re gay, but- “

“I’m not in the closet.” Castiel feels tired, because it’s clear this isn’t going to end well, and he can’t do anything to stop this from happening.

Dean nods once, trying to understand. It seems he’s taking his own conclusions because of Castiel lack of answers. “You’re ashamed of me?”

Castiel gets up so fast he’s dizzy for a second. “Of course not! Why would I be?”

“I don’t know, Cas. You tell me.” Dean starts pacing the floor, outraged. “We’ve been seeing each other every day, and it’s been great! Right? I thought you were happy! Aren’t you happy?”

Castiel makes a helpless gesture, with his palms up. He doesn’t know what to say.

Dean stops in front of him. “Cas, listen. It’s been good, we’re good together, and I… I don’t want to hide anymore. God, I… you’re really special to me, and I’m so relieved you gave me a chance to show you how good we can be together! And I thought… I thought you were happy, like I am.”

“Dean…” Castiel starts, but he can’t go on. He wishes he could say everything that’s inside his head, but there’s this weight inside him, tying his tongue and making his chest hurt, and he can’t say anything. Especially what Dean wants to hear.

“I love you, Cas.” Dean’s eyes are desperate. “And I wanna be with you. But not like this, like we’re doing something dirty and wrong. So, I need you to be on board with me on this. We’re together, right?”

Castiel closes his eyes and shakes his head, defeated. He’s paralyzed by his own fear.

“Unless you… Cas, what are we for you?” Dean’s voice shakes and, for the first time Castiel hears fear in it.

“I don’t know.” He doesn’t open his eyes, because he can’t look at Dean. He knows he’s hurting him and it’s the last thing he wants, but he can’t stop it from happening.

“Is this… I don’t know, just a thing to… pass the time?”

Castiel opens his eyes then, because what? “How can you think I would use you like that?” Suddenly he’s not paralyzed anymore. But the words that leave his mouth are nothing like he planned. “I would never use you like this. I’m not you,” he spits.

Dean’s eyes widen, and he takes a step back, like he’s just been slapped. “You’re not… I never used you, Cas.” He whispers.

“Sure you did!” Castiel retorts, without thinking. He wants to yell at himself, because he can clearly see the damage he’s about to do, but his mouth keeps talking without his permission. “You used me, you made me think we were happy and then you just tossed me aside. And I suffered, Dean. I wanted to die. Now you tell me you love me? Now? And you think you have the right to say this to me? You think I believe you? What do you want from me?”

“I don’t… Cas, I… you said you didn’t hate me.” Dean’s voice is trembling now, and it’s low and defeated. “And I thought you were okay, I mean, you didn’t want to talk about the past, about us, and I thought that… Why would you be with me now if you didn’t think this could work?”

“We work. We’re great together in bed.”

“That’s all that we are? And shit, how can you fuck someone you hate? Is this, I don’t know, a kink? Or self-punishment?”

“Can’t we just leave things the way they are? I’m not ready.”

“Will you ever be?”

“I don’t know.”

“That’s all this is to you, then? Sex?”

Castiel sighs tiredly. “This is all I can give you now.”

“I don’t want a fuck buddy, Cas. I want a partner.”

Castiel feels there’s a ton of bricks inside his heart. “I can’t.”

“You can’t or you won’t?”

“Both.” And Castiel, stupid creature that he is, lets it all out. All of it. Everything he always wanted to tell Dean and held back. Everything he should have said before they started this thing between then, but he didn’t want to talk about it. Well, now he wants to talk. “I don’t trust you, Dean. You say you love me? Bull shit. That’s what you said before you dumped me. But hey, no homo, right? Being bisexual is too complicated, it’s easier to play house with a good little woman who’ll give you a son and make your dad proud, isn’t it?”

Dean’s face goes cold like stone. “Shut up. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, I know. I know you chose the easy way out, maybe because I was just a cheap lay, an idiot who believed in your sweet talk, someone to fill your time while the love of your life was in California. And while I was alone in Boston, feeling like shit, you were getting married, after the so-called apple pie life!”

“God, is this what you think? And this whole time, we were sleeping together while you… I tried to talk to you about this, Cas! But you refused to let me say a word!”

“Yes, right, now it’s my fault!”

“No, you son-of-a-bitch, it’s mine! I know it is! I even wrote to you, but shit, you act like you have no idea why I left, why I went to Lisa. I had to go! There was no other way! I know, writing to you was a cheap move, but it was all I could do back then! But when we started this I tried, I wanted to explain it to you, to give us closure, and you acted like an asshole, like you could barely look at me! The great Dr. Novak, better than anyone, but hey, this patient here, you treated like shit! You know I even thought about giving up? To stay crippled forever ‘cause I couldn’t stand you!”

“You obviously changed your mind.” Castiel is angry, but in a detached kind of way. It’s like seeing from outside, knowing he’s doing everything wrong, but there’s no button to turn this off, and he’s powerless before his rage. Maybe he kept quiet for too long, stored all this hurt inside him for a long time, this fear of being left behind again, and now he can’t stop until this anger runs its course and leaves him.

Dean’s face is red and blotchy, and he throws his arms up, exasperated. “You changed your mind, asshole! ‘Cause later you came with that bullshit talk ‘don’t hate yourself, Dean!’ and I thought you had decided to forgive me! How many times will I have to say I’m fucking sorry? What else do you want, Cas?”

“I don’t want anything, you idiot.”

“And this whole time, you were holding this… grudge against me while we fucked! Fucking shit, are you a masochist?”

“Are you an idiot? I said we’re great in bed! Why would I stop something that works?”

“You call this working?” Dean shook his head slowly in disbelief. “God, this is unbelievable. Cas, we could have fixed this a long time ago. At least we’d still be friends, I don’t know, anything but this… and you call this attraction? This is madness, that’s what it is.”

Castiel is seeing himself, almost like a movie; he knows he’s saying things he always wanted to say, but after all this time, he doesn’t really feel them anymore. But he lets them slip out of him like venom, and even though he’s choking on them, and taking Dean down with him, he keeps doing it. “This is exactly what you always wanted from me, Dean: to get laid. That’s all I was then, that’s all I am now. Because for you, I was never good for keeping, no, that was for your wife. So yes, sex is all there is between us. And look how lucky you are, I even fixed your leg as a bonus.”

Dean deflates, like someone just held him suddenly down, like he’s giving up. He sits on the couch, looking at the floor and his voice is emotionless when he talks. “I think you should leave, then.”

Castial agrees. He wants to leave. He needs to leave. He grabs his coat and walks to the door, opens it and looks at Dean once more.

Dean doesn’t move. But he says, in a cold tone, "Don’t come back, please. I don’t wanna see you again.”

Sighing, Castiel closes the door quietly behind him and goes home.

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

Castiel leaves Dean’s house in a daze. He doesn’t remember how he got home, how he went up the stairs, how he got in his bedroom. He sits on the bed and stares at the wall, completely numb. His mind is blank, his heart is heavy, and his body weights a ton. He wants to sleep but he doesn’t dare closing his eyes, because Dean’s face seems to be imprinted in his brain, and all he sees is the other man’s hurt face when he said ‘I think you should leave’.

He lies on his bed after a while, not bothering to change. There’s a Dean-shaped hole inside his heart, one that hurts every time he thinks how happy and excited Dean was when he said he wanted to tell people about them.

When his treacherous mind makes him remember that Dean said he loves him, Castiel grabs his iPhone on an impulse, wanting to call Dean and tell him everything he’s feeling now, anything to start fixing this mess. But Castiel loses his courage before the phone starts to ring, so he turns it off, throwing it on the pillows.

He wakes up hours later, still wearing his trench coat, with his legs pending from the bed. Someone took off his shoes, probably Claire. He feels lethargic, his whole body aches. In the bathroom, he contemplates shaving, but his arms are heavy, and he just can’t make the effort. Going downstairs, he finds his daughter in the kitchen. One look at him and she knows something bad happened.

“What happened, Dad?” her voice is worried and, judging by the way she looks at him, he must look like shit, in yesterday’s clothes.

“Hospital problems, don’t worry.” He knows she can see it’s a lie, but he has no energy to try finding a suitable explanation. He pours himself a cup of coffee, but at the first sip his stomach churns so much he gives up. “I need to change, I’ll be back soon.” He hurries back to the bathroom and tries to empty his stomach in the toilet, feeling light-headed after a few tries, but there’s nothing for him to throw up.

“Pull yourself together,” he tells himself in the mirror. He needs to go to work; he’s already late.

At the hospital, he manages to forget his problems for a bit. Thankfully, there are no surgeries scheduled for today, but the residents and the interns take all his morning, forcing him to concentrate. He wants to yell at all of them, for trying too hard, for being stupid, for being in his way. But of course, he remains quiet while they ask him all sorts of stupid questions, and he answers them slowly, his voice in a monotone. Because he’s Dr. Castiel Novak, brilliant doctor, proper, professional and composed; the machine with no personal life that lives for his job.

He just wants them to leave. The whole world could just disappear right now and he wouldn’t care. He’s tired of everything.

At lunchtime, he locks himself in his office because he can’t even think about eating. That’s where he is when his secretary calls, saying that his patient didn’t come for the follow-up today. Castiel doesn’t have to ask which patient, he already knew Dean wasn’t coming after yesterday. But when she says Dean’s name, somehow it makes it more real: Dean’s not coming. Dean gave up.

 _He’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone_ , the little voice inside his head chants, mocking him. “What did you expect, you idiot?” he tells himself as he shoves his keys and his lab coat inside his briefcase and decides to leave early, for the first time in six years.

He needs to see Dean now or he’ll explode.

He calls Dean on his way to his house, but his phone is disconnected. He stops his car in front of Dean’s condo and sees that the Impala is there. Letting out a breath he hasn’t realized he’s holding, he runs to Dean’s apartment and knocks on the door, praying that Dean will let him in. But no one answers. Castiel keeps knocking, because he needs to see Dean and… he doesn’t know what he’ll do, exactly, but he said some shitty things yesterday and he wants to take back – not all of them, but some – because he can’t wait another eighteen years before he and Dean put their records straight.

Dean was right: they need to talk. Castiel only hopes it’s not too late.

Castiel knocks on Dean’s door for a long time. He calls him again but after half an hour Dean’s still not answering. Castiel doesn’t want to give up, so he decides to wait. He adjusts his trench coat around himself and sits on the floor, reasoning with himself that Dean will need to leave his apartment some time, and Castiel will be there, waiting.

He loses track of how much time he waits. It must be late at night when there’s a noise coming from the front door, and when it opens, Dean is there. Only, he comes supported by Benny, with one arm thrown over the bigger man’s shoulder.

Castiel gets up in a rush and runs to them, already looking for any injure on Dean’s body. “What happened?”

“Oh, come on, what the hell are you doing here?” Benny’s clearly annoyed by Castiel’s presence. “Haven’t you done enough harm?”

“What happened to him?” Castiel is incisive this time, because this is not the place or time for silly games.

“He’s on a bender, that’s what happened. I found him at The Roadhouse, he’s been there since noon.”

Benny tries to reach Dean’s keys in his pocket, but he can’t do it without letting go of him. “Let me,” Castiel finds Dean’s keys in his front pocket and opens the door.

Benny shuffles to the door practically carrying Dean. “Wait, a moment, I don’t know if he wants you inside his house.”

“Do you really think we have time for this?” Castiel grabs Dean’s other arm and helps Benny to drag him inside.

Benny’s sarcastic smile drives Castiel crazy. He would strangle the man right now if he weren’t carrying Dean. And, of course, if Benny weren’t much bigger than him. “Dude, from the way he was talking about you, I’d say it’s relevant.”

“I don’t care what he says, we need to take him to the shower now.”

“Whatever, doc.”

They drag Dean to the bathroom, and don’t even bother to take his clothes off, only his shoes. Castiel turns on the water and sets it to ‘cold’, and he doesn’t even think when he goes straight inside the stall holding Dean, only registering what he’s doing when the very cold water hits him and he gets soaked.

“Sun-f-bitch,” Dean protests weakly. He’s so out of it that he barely flinches at the cold.

When they finish, Benny’s outside with a towel and clean clothes. Castiel leaves Dean with him and goes in search of something dry for him to wear too. When he comes back, Benny’s already taken Dean’s soaked clothes off and is trying to dress him, but Dean doesn’t cooperate. Castiel helps, and they work in silence for a while.

“Turn him on his side,” Castiel says, helping to put Dean on the bed. “Let’s try to make him drink some water.”

“Shit, leav’ me alone,” Dean protests when the cold glass touches his lips.

“Dean? You need to drink this,” Castiel holds the glass while Benny holds Dean up.

Dean opens his eyes blearily, looking confused. “Cas? Whatcha doin’ ere?”

“Dean, drink this, please.”

“Look, Benny, Cas ’s here. Hey, doc, how ya doin’?“

“Drink, Dean,” Castiel insists, “You need to hydrate.

“Okay.” Dean closes his eyes and drinks obediently, even the aspirin Castiel makes him swallow. They help him to lie down and Castiel covers him with the duvet.

“Phew,” Benny sighs. “That’s really fucked up, I’ve never seen someone so smashed.”

“How did you find him?”

“I didn’t. Went to the Roadhouse with the wife to have a drink after work, you know. Waitress said he’d been there since midday. He barely recognized me, so I decided to bring him home before he went into a coma.”

“Thank you.”

“Didn’t do it for you. But, listen doc, this is not my business, but he kept mumbling that you hate him. It’s amazing how much patients tell you about their lives when you’re working with them for a long time. Whatever it is, fix it, because this guy’s been through a lot already, like you wouldn’t believe and… I’m not sure he could take another blow.”

What Castiel thinks is: ‘What do you mean? What do you know that I don’t?’ What he says is: “You’re right, this is not your business.”

Benny snorts and shakes his head. “God, you’re unbelievable. Well, I’m on my way out, Andrea’s waiting in the car. You gonna stay and take care of him, at least?”

“Yes. Thank you for, um… your help.”

“Anytime, doc.” Benny crouches beside Dean and shakes his shoulder slightly. “Dean? I need to go, buddy. Dr. Novak will stay here with you, all right?”

Dean opens his eyes with difficulty, looks at Benny, then at Castiel, sighs, and closes his eyes again. “ ‘kay.”

After Benny leaves, Castiel calls Claire and tells her that he needs to stay at the hospital tonight. She says it’s okay, she’ll just go to Naomi’s house. He collects all the wet clothes from the floor and goes in search for a washing machine.

When he comes back to Dean’s room, Dean is awake, at least partially, and he’s looking around, confused. When he sees Castiel, his eyes widen, he covers his mouth with a trembling hand, and all he says is “I need to- “

“Come on, I’ll help you.” He helps Dean to the bathroom, and the man hurries to the toilet, bending over it and throwing up, a lot. Castiel grabs a wet cloth, pressing it on Dean’s forehead with one hand, while with the other he holds him by the waist so he doesn’t fall. Dean grabs the toilet with both hands and whimpers, and the more he moves, the more he throws up.

When he finishes, he sags heavily against Castiel. “Oh God.” His voice is raspy, like it hurts to talk.

Castiel lowers them to the floor, because he knows Dean’s not done puking yet and it’s easier if they stay here for now. He sits and stretches his legs, resting his back against the wall, and he pulls Dean’s head to his lap. “Rest. I’ll be here.”

Dean barely nods, and closes his eyes. But when Castiel thinks he’s sleeping, he whispers, “Why?”

Dean shivers with cold or discomfort, Castiel doesn't know, and his skin gets goose bumps. Castiel starts rubbing at his arms, sighing. It would be so easy not to answer, especially because Dean’s so sick he probably wouldn’t mind if Castiel doesn’t say anything. But he knows Dean is waiting for an answer, because he’s holding his breath, like he’s waiting for a blow.

“Because I love you too, assbutt.” His voice is soft, affectionate.

The corners of Dean’s mouth raise a little and he finally relaxes in Castiel’s arms.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12

_Interlude: DEAN_

 

When Castiel leaves, Dean grabs the bowl of popcorn and throws it at the wall, along with everything that’s on the coffee table. He wants to scream, he wants to run to Cas’ house and yell at him, tell him he’s an idiot and he can take his insecurities and his hesitation and shove them up his ass.

He feels empty, angry, and most of all, betrayed. He feels disgusted at himself, as if he had forced Cas to do something he didn’t want to. But then he remembers the possessive way Cas uses to grab him and kiss him, and he feels disgusted at Cas for sleeping with him if all he wanted was to get back at him.

Cas used him. Cas doesn’t want to be with him, all he wants is sex. He said it, didn’t he? He called Dean a coward, said he doesn’t trust him. It’s slowly dawning on him that this thing he and Cas had was probably just… pay back. It was just Cas trying – and succeeding – to make Dean fall in love with him again, only to dump him, the way Dean dumped Cas when they were teens.

Well, fuck him. Cas didn’t have to stoop so low; all he had to do was to tell Dean to go to hell. It would have saved them both a lot of hurt.

He can’t take Cas’ voice out of his head. ‘I even fixed your leg as a bonus’, he said. Fucking shit; that hurt. And here Dean was thinking that maybe, if this really worked, they could move together one day and start something that was supposed to have happened many, many years ago.

The thing was that… Cas had been his first love. Then he married Lisa and everything went to hell. After the divorce, Dean’s love life consisted on a long string of one-night stands whenever he wasn’t in some far away country surrounded by soldiers, sand and heat.

When he saw Cas again, a few months ago, it was a hell of a shock. But Cas acted like a cold, detached asshole and it got on Dean’s nerves so much that he fought back. Then, everything changed again, Cas changed and Dean thought he was giving them another chance. Dean told himself that now he would do everything right, he would make Cas happy and try to erase all the shit he did to him. But in the end it was all a lie. Cas doesn’t want him, Cas hates him and now Dean lost everything.

 

…

 

_The day he went to Cas’ house to tell him he didn’t want him anymore was the worst day of his life. He knew he was hurting Cas, but there was nothing he could do. His life didn’t belong to him anymore, there was no choice._

_Fucking shit. How could he and Lisa be so stupid? The only time they had really slept together, she’s gotten pregnant? Now there was a baby about to be born. Yesterday, Lisa’s parents – finally getting the name of the baby’s father from her – had called John from San Francisco and told him everything. And Dean’s world had ended._

_John and Mary had bought the tickets the morning after. The whole family would go and stay there until the baby was born. Dean wouldn’t come back to Lawrence with them, though. He and Lisa would gat married, preferably before the baby’s due date._

_The first thing Dean thought was: “I can’t do this.” Then, “I need to tell Cas.” Then “Maybe we can run away together.” Apparently, Lisa wanted this as much as Dean, from what he could tell, since he hadn’t talked to her yet. Maybe they could work a way out of this._

_But every time he thought about the baby, something deeper and more important than his love for Cas and for himself would stir inside him. He was going to be a father, and if he ran away, the baby would grow up knowing it had been abandoned, just like Dean and Sam had been abandoned by John. It didn’t matter that John came back years later; he still left._

_He didn’t want that for his son. His son deserved a dad that would be there for him. He deserved to know, every day, how loved he was. He deserved to hear words like “I love you no matter what,” and “I’m proud of you”, and “I’ll always be here if you need me”._

_Dean left his house that morning to talk to Cas, and he already knew he wasn’t going to tell him the truth. Because he didn’t want Cas to wait for him, saying he was being noble and altruistic. Because it was nothing like that. Dean had made a mistake and now he needed to deal with the consequences, because Dean would die before his son would feel unwanted. Dean was not a free person anymore. He was going to have a son, and this baby was his priority now._

_Before he left, John looked him in the eyes and practically spat, “Act like a man, at least this time.”_

_And Dean did exactly what his father wanted, even though he never hated him more than that moment. He broke Cas’ heart – and his own – he went to another city, married a girl he didn’t love and welcomed his son into the world determined to be the best dad in the world._

 

…

 

He doesn't sleep. His bed is still with the same covers he and Cas  used and stained, his pillow still has Cas’ scent in them, Cas’ tie is still abandoned on the bedside table. In the end, he spends the night in the couch, completely dressed, drinking beer and cursing, looking at the TV on mute and seeing only Cas’ face everywhere he looks.

“Sam,’’ he says as soon as his brother answers the phone.

“What happened?” Sam’s alarmed voice makes him feel better immediately. Sam is the only person who knows Dean and Cas are together. “Are you drunk?”

“A little.”

“Dean… what happened?”

“Cas. It’s over.”

“What do you mean? I thought things were good with you two.”

“I thought that too. But…it was just payback, Sam.”

“What? I don’t believe it.”

“He still wants to keep this a secret, hiding from everyone. He said he can’t, that he doesn’t trust me, that I used him. He acted as is he doesn’t know why had to leave him.”

“What do you mean he doesn’t know?”

“I told him I love him, Sam. And you know what he said? Nothing. Only that he fixed my leg as a bonus.”

“Oh my God, Dean. What an asshole.”

Dean chuckles bitterly. “The worst part is that I can’t even hate him. Cas was a nice guy, he was not like that. Maybe it’s my fault he’s an asshole now.”

“Oh my God, Dean, stop blaming yourself for everything!”

“But it is my fault. It has to be, because I always fuck up everything.”

“Okay, you’re really drunk, because this sounds a lot like the chick flick moments you hate so much.”

“I need to figure out what to do now. I think that… maybe I shouldn’t stay in Lawrence, after all. What do I do now? I got a job at KU for next semester, but I… I don’t think it’s a good thing if I stay here. I don’t want to see him anytime soon.”

“You can always come back.” Sam’s voice is calm. Sam is always calm, and it's really good to know he's there for Dean, even if he's so far. “I’m here. You’re not alone.”

“I know, Sammy. But what about Ben? I promised the kid I’d be around from now on. Can’t do this to him.”

Sam’s voice turns from calm to harsh. “Listen to me, Dean… I know how much you love your son, but you need, at least once, at least now, to think about yourself first. You need to stop sacrificing the things you want because of others.”

“I don’t do that,” Dean protests.

“Yes, you do! You sacrificed your childhood to help Mom raise me. You gave up someone you loved because Lisa was pregnant. Oh, and because of a really fucked up notion that you deserved to suffer, you didn’t tell Cas the truth, now he hates you. Then, you ran away to the army, because of course it was your fault alone that your marriage didn’t work!” Sam sighs tiredly. “The list goes on and on.”

“Sammy…”

“Shut up. Now, Ben is about to go to college. I’m sorry to say this, but he’s a grown up, he’s gonna live his own life. Please, start to live yours!”

“I thought that’s what I was doing with Cas.”

Sam deflates. “I know. I know. But… please, think about it, okay? You can get a job here, the same way you got one there. Don’t stay in Lawrence if seeing Cas will hurt. Especially because Ben dates his daughter, for Christ’s sake!”

“All right. I’ll think about it. It’s a pity I can’t go back to the UN with this leg,” Dean says, almost to himself.

Sam yells at him so loud on the other side of the phone that Dean’s head hurts. “What? You’re running away again? Every time something goes wrong with your life you run to the other side of the planet! You can’t do that!”

“I’m not running away, Sam.” Dean is tired of this, he and Sam have had this conversation before and Sam always hits the same key.

“Oh no? Isn’t that what you did after the divorce? You were so lost that you’d rather be a soldier and risk your life than stay and face the fact that you and Lisa should never have married in the first place!”

“You sound like Mom.”

“Yeah, I hate to say this, but she was right. Dean…” Sam sighs. “Everyone knew you and Lisa didn’t love each other. I’m impressed you stayed together for so long. You acted like – “

“Sammy, we’ve talked about this before. Leave it.”

Dean knows that after the divorce he acted as if he was devastated because of it. In fact, he was relieved, because all he and Lisa had done for years was yell at each other.

But then, he remembered he didn’t have a home anymore. He remembered that he wouldn’t see Ben every day anymore, and Lisa would probably make him schedule his visits to his son, turning him into a weekend dad. And every sacrifice Dean had made seemed so pointless that he lost his ground completely.

He still thought about Cas, even if he’d never saw him again. He still thought about how perfect they were together, about all the plans they’d made, about the brilliant future they were going to have. And Dean had given up all of this for a family he didn’t have anymore. He had given up his whole life to stay with Ben, and now he was sure Lisa would do her best to keep the boy away from him.

He and Lisa had hated every minute of their marriage. They had dated for three years, so they tried to make it work. But Lisa knew he had been with Cas, and she hated him for that. And Dean… deep down, Lisa was the reason his life had changed completely. Not that he regretted having Ben. But being married with Lisa was something he had never wanted, not even before Cas.

When she started fucking the yoga teacher, Dean was relieved. But he was still adrift, without his home and his son.

He enlisted in the UN troops so fast that the next time his parents saw him, almost two years had passed and he was in a hospital with a bullet in the lung and another in the belly.

“Dean? You still there?”

Sam’s voice takes him out of his stupor. “Yeah, I’m here.”

“What’re you going to do?”

“Now? Drink.”

“Dean…”

“Leave it Sam. Tomorrow I’ll think about it, act like a grown up and deal with everything. Figure out what to do. But right now I’m going to The Roadhouse.”

Sam sighs, defeated. “All right. But don’t drink yourself into a coma. Please.”

“Don’t worry, I’m a big boy.”

He hangs up and grabs his car keys, but gives up, because if he’s going on a bender, he won’t be able to drive back home. He has no idea how he will get home, and he doesn’t care. He can call a cab. It’s noon, too early to start drinking, but hey, it’s gotta be six o’clock somewhere in the world.

 

…

 

Dean knows everyone at the Roadhouse and he hopes no one will give him a sermon for drinking at this time of the day. But today Ellen and Jo – his family’s friends for ages – went to Topeka for the weekend, and Ash, the guy in charge, couldn’t care less if Dean drinks whiskey until he passes out.

“Just keep ’em coming,” he tells Ash and, after that, his glass is never empty.

“Hey there, gorgeous,” says a woman sitting by herself two stools to the left. “You alone?”

Dean turns on the flirting because hey, nothing like a beautiful girl to make him feel better, right? This tactic always worked. “Yeah well, sometimes a guy needs a little bit of solitude.”

“Stressful day?” she runs her hand through her blond, straight hair and blinks at him seductively.

“You could say that.”

“You could buy me a drink and tell me about it,” she suggests, her red lips posed in a smile. “I had a terrible day at work this morning too. Maybe we could make each other company.”

Dean winks at her. “You had me at the ‘buying you a drink’ part.” He motions to Ash. “Bring the lady here whatever she wants.”

“Jim Beam is fine,” she gets up and walks towards Dean, sitting beside him. “I’m Lydia.”

“Dean.”

They start talking and the drinks keep coming. Lydia is really beautiful and is dressed to the nines. She’s probably a businesswoman looking for a bit of stress relief. She flirts with Dean unashamedly. He likes this in a woman, because since when do girls need to be shy and modest? A woman who knows what and who she wants is a big turn on for him.

Only, not today.

But he keeps going. He doesn’t want to lead her on, but drinking alone is more depressing than being really, really drunk at five PM. At least he’s with a gorgeous girl, not leaning pathetically against the counter, slurring every word and not letting Ash work.

“Dance with me?” Lydia says after a while, and when she gets close he can smell her expensive perfume, and wow, she smells really good.

“Sure, why not?”

“You have any change for the jukebox?”

Dean searches inside his pockets and comes with a couple of quarters. “Here.”

Lydia leans closer and pecks at his lips. “I’ll be right back.”

Dean looks while she walks to the jukebox and smiles to himself. This is good. He’s almost forgot why he’s here, but with a couple more drinks he thinks every memory of… whatever the reason left him in this state, will go away for a while. Tomorrow is another story.

Lydia selects a song and turns to him. “I hope you don’t mind, this song is from the fifties but I love it.”

Dean smiles and gets up, walking slowly to her. She’s standing in the middle of the room, smiling. The Roadhouse doesn’t have a dance floor, but hey, at this time, on a weekday, only a few patrons are coming for the happy hour.

But as soon as Dean hears the song, he stops. This can’t be happening. Of all the songs in that damned jukebox Lydia had to pick this one?

 

…

 

_Cas is waiting for him at the porch when he arrives. “If we’re not going to the prom, why do we need a tux?”_

_“You look fantastic.” He walks to his boyfriend and kisses him, and today he doesn’t care who is looking. They’re going to have a great time._

_Cas blushes. He’s dressed in a rented tuxedo, same as Dean, but his dark hair is artfully combed and gelled. He looks like a movie star. “You don’t look so bad yourself. Where are we going?”_

_Dean gives his boyfriend the widest smile he can. “I told you, it’s a surprise.”_

_Cas rolls his eyes, but he holds Dean’s hand and gives him another kiss. “Okay, then. Let’s go?”_

_“I need you to use this.” Neither Dean nor Cas wanted to go to the prom, but Mary said they should, it was kind of a rite of passage. So, she came up with this idea and, with Sam and Bobby’s help, Dean was able to get everything ready for today._

_“A blindfold?” Cas’ brows furrows and he tilts his head adorably to one side. “Dean, I don’t understand. “_

_“You can’t see where we’re going, dummy, or it won’t be a surprise. You trust me, don’t you?”_

_Cas smiles. “Of course I trust you.”_

_The ride in the Impala is quiet. Cas’ hand is resting on Dean’s thigh and he’s smiling slightly, expectantly. Dean is a bit nervous, because what if Cas doesn’t like the surprise? But his mother said there’s no way he won’t like it._

_When they arrive, Dean parks the car and gets out, going to the other side and opening the door for Cas. “We’re here.” He tugs at the blindfold and whispers. “You can take this off.”_

_Cas pullsout it and opens his eyes. “Dean…” his eyes are wide and there’s a genuine smile on his lips. “What is this?”_

_“Our prom.”_

_They’re at Bobby’s garage. The lights outside the place are off but there are flashing lights framing the front door. Above said door, a banner says, "Welcome to Singer Ballroom."_

_Cas’ mouth is hanging open and he grips at Dean’s hands. Gently, Dean opens the door and pulls him inside. In the main garage space, there are no cars. All of them were removed, parked in the back. The drape-covered walls are shining with faint purple lights. And in the ceiling, several paper lanterns light up everything, leaving the place with an ethereal appearance, like a fairy tale. Or a dream._

_“Oh my God.” Cas looks around and puts one shaking hand to cover his mouth. His eyes are shining and he looks completely bewildered. “You did this all for us?”_

_“No Cas, I did this all for you.” Dean’s heart is beating so fast it feels like it’s going to fly away from his chest. He doesn’t remember ever being so happy._

_He walks to a desk in a corner and picks up an old record. “It’s Mom’s. She helped a lot.” He shows it to Cas. It’s one of Nat King Cole’s albums, ‘Love is the Thing’. “Cheesy, I know,” he chuckles. “But you make me wanna do cheesy thinks and have chick flick moments like this one.”_

_Cas smiles, that cute smile that shows his gums a bit and scrunches up his nose. “I love Nat King Cole.”_

_“I know. Your mom helped too.” Dean turns on the old record player and puts the record in it. The music starts. A wonderful melody fills the air. He walks slowly to Cas and holds his hand, “Mr. Novak, would you dance with me?”_

_Cas’ smile is so bright that it outshines everything around them. “I’d love to, Mr. Winchester.”_

_They start to sway slowly, in each other’s arms. Nat King Cole’s voice finally comes, and his words couldn’t be more perfect. “This is for you, ‘cause you’re my everything,” Dean says, and he doesn’t give a damn if he sounds like a fool in love, because hell, he is a fool in love._

"When I fall in love,  
It will be forever.  
Or I'll never fall in love.  
In a restless world like this is,  
Love is ended before it's begun.  
And too many moonlight kisses,  
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun.

When I give my heart,  
It will be completely.  
Or I'll never give my heart.  
And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too…  
Is when I fall in love with you.

And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too…  
Is when I fall in love with you."

[The song is here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91bQyER32GY)

 

_“I love you, Dean.” Cas rests his cheek on his shoulder as they dance slowly. “I’ll never love anyone else, ever again.”_

_Dean’s chest is about to burst open with love for this nerdy little dude. He never wants to be apart from him, ever. “Me too. Just like the song. This is forever.”_

_“This will be our song from now on.”_

_“Okay.” Dean can’t say that old songs like this one are his thing. But everything in the lyrics is true. He never knew he was a romantic sap until now, but the truth is that Dean’s rather fall in love forever or not at all. And this, right here, is forever._

 

 

…

 

“Earth to Dean?”

He blinks, and he’s not in Bobby’s garage with Cas anymore. He’s in The Roadhouse and Lydia is looking at him.

“I – “ he stammers. “I can’t. I’m sorry.”

Lydia stops and he hates the pity he sees in her eyes. “She did a number on you, didn’t she?”

Dean closes his eyes in defeat. “He.”

“Oh. Well, whatever it is…” he feels her hand on his arm, pulling him back to the counter. “Drinking won’t help. Believe me, I know.”

“I just want to forget for a while.” He sits again and raises his empty glass to Ash. “Ash! Another one.”

Lydia sighs and kisses his cheek. “I’m going home, okay?”

“Sorry. For… you know.”

Lydia smiles, and Dean wants to leave with her to wherever she’s going to, it would be so much easier. But she is not the answer; the answer has blue eyes, dark hair and a hoarse, gravelly voice.

“See you around, Dean.”

He’s alone again, and now, with no one to take his attention off the fact that he’s miserable, he just wants to drink and forget about the world.

Later, his thoughts become mixed and confused. He thinks he sees Benny at some point, but he’s not sure, and he tells him a bunch of bull shit, but he’s not sure of that too.

He wakes up when cold water hits his skin. “Sun-f-bitch!” Are they trying to kill him? It’s cold, freezing. And someone keeps trying to make him drink water, but no sir, no water for him, just his old friend Jim Beam. “Shit, leav’ me alone!” he protests.

“Dean? You need to drink this.”

Wait. This voice. It sounds a lot like – “Cas? Whatcha doin’ ere?”

“Dean, drink this, please.”

“Look, Benny, Cas ’s here. Hey, doc, how ya doin’?“

He passes out again after that. But his stomach has other plans for him, and next thing he knows, he’s practically hugging the toilet. He throws up until his head, his throat, all his body hurts. He slides to the floor, dead tired, but Cas is there, pushing his head to rest on his legs. “Rest. I’ll be here.”

Maybe it’s a dream? Because he doesn’t think he and Cas have anything else to say to each other. But still, Cas is here. He’s here. “Why?”

Cas runs his hand through Dean’s sweaty hair. “Because I love you too, assbutt.”

“ _I’m really dreaming, then_ ,” Dean thinks. Or dying of alcoholic coma. Still, there are worse ways to go. He smiles and surrenders to the sleep that’s pulling him down once more.


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13

 

Around four A.M. Dean stops throwing up and goes quiet. “Cold,” he complains, and Castiel has to agree. It’s freezing, and the cold bathroom floor has left his skin numb.

“Okay, back to bed with you.” He helps Dean getting up and they walk slowly to the bed.

“Head’s pounding.” Dean squeezes his eyes shut and lies down carefully, resting his head on the pillow.

“I’ll get another aspirin. Try to sleep again, that’s a massive hangover you have there. I doubt you’ll be able to do much today.”

Castiel goes to the kitchen and comes back with a glass of cold water and an aspirin. Dean swallows the medicine obediently and drinks the water in long gulps.

“Not too fast, or you’ll upset your stomach again.”

“Yes, Mom.”

Castiel puts the glass on the bedside table. “You really need to sleep. You’re lucky we didn’t have to take you to the hospital yesterday.“

“You gonna be here when I wake up?”

“I don’t know. I need to go home, I need to call the hospital.”

Dean closes his eyes tiredly. “Okay, then. Thank you for… you know, for everything.”

Castiel sighs. “I can come back later, if it’s all right with you. We need to talk.”

Dean raises his head fast, in surprise, and winces at the sudden move. “Ouch.” He rests his head on the pillow again. “Okay, I’ll be here.”

“Now rest.” Castiel is standing by the bed, looking at Dean’s face, at the dark circles around his eyes and the worry lines on his forehead. He loves this man, he really does. And, if there’s a way to fix this ugly mess between them, he’ll do it.

“You can lie here, you know,” Dean says. “I promise your virtue is not in danger.”

“Ha ha. Very funny.” But Castiel lies beside Dean, facing him.

They look at each other for a while.

“Hey.” Dean says, sleepily.

“Hello.”

“I’m glad you’re here.”

Castiel smiles slightly. “I had to see you. Leaving like that… It felt like dying.”

“I know.” Dean moves his arm until his hand is touching Castiel’s. He lets the back of their hands touch lightly for a while, until Castiel finally interlaces their fingers.

“I meant what I said. I love you.” Castiel feels the need to say this now, while they’re quiet, while everything seems to be on pause.

“Okay. I… I love you too.” Dean closes his eyes and sleeps almost immediately.

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

_Castiel didn’t go home for Christmas, because Amelia, Jimmy and some other friends from college decided to go to Vegas, and they dragged Castiel along. He won $20 in blackjack, and another $50 in a drinking contest. It was fun, even if he hated the strip clubs. So, because he hadn’t seen his family in a long time, he decided to go home for summer. He was fine; Dean was just something that he refused to think about, because it still made his heart clench. But he didn’t think about him 24/7 anymore. He really hoped he wouldn’t see Dean, but if he did, he would be okay._

_Or so he thought._

_On his third day at home, he went to the car to get his mother’s sunglasses, and Dean was strolling down the street. He was as handsome as ever, in shorts and a wife beater that showed his muscles and his tanned skin. And… he was pulling a baby trolley. Castiel couldn’t see the baby, but Dean kept his eyes fixed in the child, and he was talking in a soft tone, cooing and smiling._

_Castiel almost died of shock when he saw him. His first instinct was to run to Dean and hug him, and that frightened him more than anything. So, instead, Castiel hid, crouching behind the car, but Dean wouldn’t have noticed him anyway, because he only had eyes for the baby._

_That was… strange. Maybe Dean was working as a baby sitter? What about Lisa? Was she here too? Castiel was puzzled, but he didn’t ask anyone about it. He knew how worried his family would be if he asked about Dean; they would think he still loved the guy, and he didn’t, right? Yeah. Sure._

_But on the next day the scene repeated itself. Only, this time Castiel was by the window, so it wasn’t hard to hide. Dean came walking leisurely with the baby trolley, looking at the baby inside and at nothing else. He seemed happy. No, not happy, but… at peace._

_“That’s his kid,” came Gabriel’s voice, from behind._

_“His what?” Castiel turned to his brother, his mouth hanging open._

_“His kid? Dean has a son. You didn’t know?”_

_Castiel was seeing red. “How the hell would I know, Gabe?”_

_“I don’t know bro, don’t shoot the messenger. I thought you were keeping in touch, because he sent you that letter last year.”_

_“I never opened it. I threw it out.”_

_“Oh. In this case, well done. That asshole never deserved you. He got married to that girl he dated, Lisa. They’re living in San Francisco with her parents. They take care of the baby when Dean and Lisa go to college.”_

_Castiel’s insides turned cold. Dean was married? With Lisa, and they had a baby? “How do you even know that?” he asked, trying to keep his composure._

_“Mom met Mrs. Winchester at the supermarket. She can’t stop talking about her grandson, apparently.”_

_Castiel went back to Boston two days later. He got a summer job at the library, covering for Amelia, who went to New York with Jimmy for a week, and he spent the rest of summer working and studying. He definitely didn’t think about Dean Winchester anymore, and when he did, he worked more, studied harder, went running, and kept busy at all costs._

_He didn’t go back to Lawrence again. Only ten years later, when his mother moved to another neighborhood._

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

It’s Saturday, and Castiel knows he should go to work, but he just called the resident chief and told him he’s sick, he can’t go today. He’s never done this in his whole life, and it makes him feel guilty, but there’s no way he’ll be able to function before he solves this mess he got himself into.

Claire is waiting for him when he gets home. He stops at the threshold, looks at her, and knows that she’ll not buy the excuses he has ready on the tip of his tongue. He feels like a cheating husband coming home after a night of drinking, and it would be funny if it didn’t make him so embarrassed. Right now, Claire looks so much like Amelia, determined and fierce, that it hurts a little to look at her.

“Sit down, Dad.”

“Uh… is everything all right?”

Claire rolls her eyes, and points to the couch. Castiel gulps and sits down obediently. Oh-oh.

She goes right to the point. “Dad, when were you finally going to tell me that you and Mr. Winchester are together?”

Castiel gasps, eyes wide and face pale. What the hell? Since when did Claire knew about them? Did Dean tell anything yesterday? “How the hell do you know?” is all he can say, because he’s so astonished his brain stopped working.

“I’ve always known you and him dated in High school, Dad, since you started treating him. Mrs. Winchester told Ben and he told me.”

“Oh.”

“And, one evening me and Ben went to Mr. Winchester’s house, to keep him company, you know, ‘cause he leaves alone. And your car was there, Dad. We didn’t think anything of it, but then you came home with your hair wet and you told me you’d needed to shower at the hospital after a surgery. And lately you’ve been singing in the shower, and coming home late, and talking and smiling and whispering on the phone when you think I’m not looking.”

“Oh.” He doesn’t know what to say. He and Dean just had a fight because Castiel didn’t want to tell people about them, and it turns out, it was pointless; the most important people in their lives – Claire and Ben – already know.

Claire isn’t finished, though. “I want you to know that it’s okay; me and Ben, we’re okay with you guys being together. It’s pretty cool, actually, like we’re one big family.”

Castiel cringes. This is beyond awkward. Claire is his teenage daughter; he should be the one telling her it’s all right to date. “Um.” His tongue is tied again. “Baby, I…” he starts. “Thank you for your support,” it’s what he ends up saying, and it sounds too formal for them, but Castiel’s mind is still stuck in the fact that they knew it all the time because Mary Winchester told them. And the kids saw his car at Dean’s door, and Claire knew he’s been lying to her for months. Crap. “I’m sorry I lied to you.”

Her face turns a little hurt then. “I just want to know why you didn’t tell me, Dad. Did you think I would mind? We always tell each other everything. It was a shitty thing to do.”

“Hey, I’m the parent here, not the other way around, young lady,” Castiel tries to joke.

“I know you don’t owe me any explanations. But this is Ben’s dad! Come on! We could be having fun together! And I’ve been rooting for you guys since I knew that you dated years ago. You’re so cute together! He’s so handsome!”

Castiel feels his cheeks burning. “Um. Claire, you understand this is your boyfriend’s father we’re talking about, don’t you?”

“What, Dad? It’s true!” she smiles.

“All right, I know I try to be as open with you as possible, baby. But this is a little too much.” His cheeks are still hot, and oh God, his daughter is impossible.

Claire laughs at his pink cheeks, of course she noticed them. “I think we’re too… unconventional, for a dad and a kid. That’s why you’re the greatest dad in the world.”

Claire has always known Castiel is not her biological father, and the exact circumstances of his marriage with Amelia. She says it’s only a reason for her to love him more. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

He hopes this is over, because he’s had too much embarrassment for a day. But she tilts her head to one side, like he uses to do. “But Dad… you guys just had a fight, didn’t you?” she puts a soft hand on his arm, supportive. “That’s why you looked so sad yesterday, and Mr. Winchester too, Ben talked to him on the phone and he said Mr. Winchester sounded like someone had died. I was really worried, Dad, I’d never seen you sleep with your trench coat and all your clothes on.”

Castiel sighs. What can he say? That he and Dean are two hotheaded assholes? “Yes, that’s why I was sad. I’m sorry I worried you.”

“But you’re not breaking up, are you? Mrs. Winchester said you guys were really in love in High school, but you had a fight and broke up.”

Oh, was that what Dean told his family? That they had a fight? More like, Castiel was dumped without an explanation. But that’s okay, he supposes it’s easier to say they just broke up like any other couple. “It’s… complicated.”

“I know, Dad.” Claire’s expression is sympathetic and, okay, maybe it’s time Castiel puts an ending to this conversation. “I know it was a huge family drama for Mr. Winchester, especially with him having to marry Ben’s mom without wanting to, because she was nine months pregnant. It must have been hard for you. It’s not gossip, I swear! But Ben told me everything, and I just… it was like a Romeo and Juliet story, you guys still loving each other and being separated by- ”

But Castiel’s hand is raised, asking her to stop. “What did you just say?”

“Uh. I said it’s a Romeo and Juliet story? Well, more like Romeo and Romeo.”

“No, no, before that.”

Claire frowns. “I said… oh yes, that Ben’s parents only got married because she was pregnant. But Ben already knew that, he said he once heard her screaming this to his dad in a fight. They never liked each other very much.”

“Oh God.” Only then Castiel remembers something Dean said yesterday; something he didn’t pay attention because he was busy telling Dean all the things he’d buried in his chest for so many years. He can hear Dean’s voice in his head: “I even wrote to you, but you act like you have no idea why I left… writing was a cheap move, but it was all I could do back then!”

“Claire, I need to go.” He gets up and gives her a quick kiss. “I’m sorry, but I just… I need to do something.”

“What happened? Was is something I said?”

“No, it’s all right, sweetheart. But there’s this thing I need to do and it can’t wait.”

Castiel runs upstairs and opens his wardrobe, his mind racing with everything he’s just heard. He’s looking for a black box, one with all his and Dean’s pictures together. He’s never had the strength to throw them away, but he didn’t want to see them either, so he just shoved everything to the bottom of the last drawer, under a pile of blankets and a few of Claire’s baby clothes.

And it’s still there, the box with the pictures and the mix tape Dean gave him, and Castiel’s old diary. But he’s not looking for a picture. He’s looking for a letter, the one Dean sent him and Gabriel gave it to him, but he was so hurt, so lost and desperate, that he put it aside.

He never opened the letter, although, since he met Dean again, he thought about it. But then, why would he open it and revolve around old pain and heartache? What did he expect to read in it? Dean saying he was sorry, but he loved Lisa, and Castiel should go on with his life? Well, Castiel already knew that, and didn’t want to read it back then, it would only make Dean’s rejection more real. But now, he thinks he needs to do it, and it needs to be now.

He picks the yellow paper with trembling fingers. Tearing at the envelope, he sees Dean’s handwriting and closes his eyes, breathing deeply and fighting a stubborn tear that wants to fall. This is not the time for crying. This is the time to deal with something he should have a long time ago, only he shoved it under the carpet and pretended it wasn’t there. Now the paper almost burns his fingers with the secrets written on it, and he can’t wait to read them.

Taking a deep breath, Castiel unfolds the paper and starts reading the letter Dean sent him eighteen years ago.

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

_Dear Cas,_

_I’m getting married tomorrow. This should be the most important day of my life. But, instead of being happy, I’m hiding in the bathroom of my future in-laws’ house, writing this letter to you._

_I lied. I lied about everything I said, the last time we met. I lied when I said I didn’t love you, I lied when I said I didn’t want to have a future with you. I Did. I do. I love you, you’re ‘it’ for me, Cas, and I need you to know that. If I could, I would get in a plane right now and go to Boston with you, and do all the things we had planned we were going to do together._

_But I can’t. And I said what I said because it was the only way you would let me go. I did that so you would hate me and be happy and relieved to get rid of me._

_But I can’t stand the thought that you may think I don’t love you. I can’t stand to think you hate me because I gave up on us. That’s why I need you to know the real reason why I didn’t go with you to Boston. I would never give up on us. You’re the only one I love, the only one I will ever love. Like that song, our song, remember? ‘It will be forever, or I’ll never fall in love’. That’s how I feel about you, Cas. You’re forever; you’re my forever. But we can’t be together anymore._

_Lisa is pregnant. And she’s due any day now. And yes, it’s mine. You remember I told you, the day we broke up, how we ended up sleeping together and going all the way? Well, my son was made that day. I lied to you, I didn’t use a condom; I didn’t have one. But I never thought this would happen on her first time, I swear!_

_And, Lisa didn’t say anything before because she hid the pregnancy from her parents, she was scared they would disown her, and I don’t know how she managed that. They found out a couple of months ago, when her belly was impossible to hide. And they say she wouldn’t tell them the name of the baby’s father – she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore – and that’s the only reason why they didn’t go after me sooner. But her dad said he would give the baby for adoption if she didn’t tell the name, so… she told them. And the baby’s mine._

_Wow. I’m going to have a son. It feels surreal. I’m totally not ready to be a dad, but I have to, because my son needs me. And because of him, I’m going to be responsible for my actions. He doesn’t deserve to grow up without a dad, like I did. I don’t want him to think I am a sorry bastard, the same way I think my dad is one. Speaking of Dad, he’s over the moon with this. Saying I’m finally acting like a man. Guess we all know what he thinks of me now, huh?_

_Anyways, my son deserves to have me around. And I will be around, for him, and I’ll try to be the best dad in the world, even if I feel right now like the world is going to end because I can’t see you anymore._

_I don’t love Lisa. I never did. And I’m trying really hard not to resent her because she’s keeping me away from you. It’s not her fault; at least she’s not the only one to blame. And, most of all, it’s not the baby’s fault._

_Please, Cas, don’t hate me. I know you’re probably angry because all of the things I said and the way I acted, but if I’d kissed you, I’d have grabbed you and ran away, and I’d never had come to San Francisco, and I’d never do the right thing._

_They’re watching me like I’m a criminal, like I’m going to run away. I’m not leaving, but no matter how many times I say this, they don’t believe me. Lisa’s dad actually cleaned his gun yesterday in the living room, and if this isn’t a threat, I don’t know what it is._

_Lisa’s not happy either. But there’s nothing we can do now. At least there’s a baby coming, and I hope in time Lisa and me, we’ll learn to live together. I doubt it, though, because we’ll be living with her folks for a while. They don’t want us to give up college, so they’ll watch the baby while we study. It sounds very generous, but I think they just want to keep an eye on me._

_Most of the time, it feels like I’m dying, Cas. I miss you so much._

_I keep remembering your face when we said goodbye and I just can’t stand it. I can’t even cry, they’re always watching my every move; even Mom is helping them, even though I know she feels sorry this is happening. I’m not a child, dammit, but there’s nothing I can do. I have a baby on the way, I’ll have a family to support soon and I have no way to do this right now by myself. So I need their help._

_Cas, I want you to promise one thing: you’ll be happy, all right? Please try, even if it will be hard to do it for a while. Because there’s no way I will be. My happiness was with you. Now all my dreams were taken away from me, the baby is the only thing that keeps me going. So, at least one of us should be happy, and I’m glad it’s you, because you deserve the world. I like to think that one day we'll meet again, and who knows, maybe we can try to be friends again? I know this is impossible now, you must be very angry with me. But maybe, reading this, you'll at least try to understand why I had to leave like that._

_I miss you. And, since you're not only the guy I love, but my best friend too, it's very hard to stay here, without you, thinking that you probably hate me._

_You know how much I hate writing. But this is the only way I could think of to make you understand that I'll never stop loving you._

_But Cas, please, don’t feel sorry for me or pity me. All that’s happening is my fault, because I was stupid and didn’t think of the consequences. Shit, look at me, I’m even talking like a dad now._

_I love you. I will always love you. No matter what, okay?_

_Remember our song: this is forever; my heart will always be yours._

_Oh! We’re naming the baby Benjamin. But I like to think of him as Ben, like Ben Kenobi, your favorite Star Wars character._

_Take care,_

_Dean._

_P.S. I’m giving this letter to Sam. He’s on my side; he’ll try to give it to you, or to Gabriel. I can’t even send it myself, I’m not kidding when I say I’m being watched._

_Love you,_

_Dean_

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

Castiel crumples the letter in his hand and cries.


	14. Chapter 14

CHAPTER 14

 

Castiel knocks on Dean’s door one exact hour after he read the letter. He has it inside his pocket, actually, as if to prove to himself that it’s real. All the things Dean had written, all the things Castiel had always wanted to hear, were there. Dean loved him, Dean had never wanted to leave him, and he suffered as much as Castiel did, if not more, because he knew Castiel was miserable because of something he did.

And, like a coward, Castiel kept the letter unopened, resenting Dean all this time, when Dean only left him because he was forced to.

He feels like shit.

It doesn’t take long for Dean to open the door. He has showered and shaved, and he looks a lot better than when Castiel had left him earlier. “Hey Cas,” he says as always, a faint smile on his lips.

“Hello Dean. May I come in?”

Dean opens the door wider. “I was about to order take-out. I still haven’t eaten today. You want something?”

Castiel shakes his head no. He can’t stomach food right now. He’s so nervous that his palms are sweating and he missed the red sign twice on his way here. “No, I’m not really hungry.”

“Well, I am. I’ll just order a pizza. You, um… wanna sit?”

It’s unusual for Dean to be so formal, but after these past two days, Castiel welcomes a little bit of small talk. It seems all his talks with Dean are charged with potential hurt and sorrow lately, and today it won’t be any lighter. Castiel has a lot to say, and he knows Dean also has.

He hears Dean’s voice talking on the phone, ordering the food, and a minute later he’s back. “Can I get you a beer?” Dean has one hand on the back of his neck, and the other inside his pants’ front pocket. He clearly doesn’t know what to do with them.

Castiel sits down slowly, almost waiting for Dean to tell him to get up and leave. But Dean just looks at him, his eyes guarded. Waiting for an answer. “No Dean, I’m fine.”

Dean nods slightly, and then he goes straight to the point: “You said we needed to talk. Finally. But, um… do you think we still have anything to say? We sure messed everything up, Cas. If this is gonna be like that, I just… it’s better that we just give up.”

“But I love you.”

“And I love you too.” Dean’s voice is tired and low. “But I don’t want us to hurt each other anymore. Maybe… I don’t know, but all we seem to do is exactly that, even if we don’t want to. You said you don’t trust me.”

Castiel swallows, knowing this is his cue to start talking. “I said a lot of things I shouldn’t.”

“You did. But I said a lot of bull shit too.”

“The thing is… that the things I said, I had them for too long inside me, and when I let them out, I just couldn’t stop. I don’t even mean most of them, I swear.”

Dean bites one side of his mouth. He looks at Castiel dubiously. “Really? ‘Cause I gotta tell you, it looked a lot like you meant every word.”

“I know,” Castiel’s mouth is turned down. “I’m an idiot.”

“You’re not alone in this one, buddy. I’m an idiot too.”

“You don’t understand, Dean. I came because of this.” Castiel shows Dean the letter, clutched in his hand, wrinkled and yellow.

Dean frowns. “What the – is that the letter I wrote you? You still have it?”

“I read it. A few hours ago.” He wants to say more, but he can’t. “I had no idea, Dean.”

“You mean you read it again, right?” Dean is frowning even more now, like he can’t understand; but when Castiel shakes his head no, he stops. He can see the exact moment the information downs on him. “Wait. You… had no idea? You mean… you’d never read it before?”

“Yes.” Castiel is ashamed, and he looks sideways, unable to keep his gaze on Dean’s face. “I’m a coward. I thought the letter was just you saying everything I already knew, that you loved Lisa and you were happy with her. So… I never read it.”

“But you still kept it.” Dean shakes his head in disbelief. “Why?”

“It was the last thing you gave me. I couldn’t throw it away.”

Dean closes his eyes and lets out a deep, heavy sigh. “Cas… all this time, you believed in all the bull shit I said that day?”

“I… I did. I thought you just didn’t have the courage to break up with me in a decent manner. That everything we had together before the break-up was a lie.”

Dean’s perplexed face is white with disbelief. “God, you must’ve really hated me.” He looks pained, and there are new lines around his eyes and on his forehead that Castiel hadn’t noticed before. “No wonder you acted like a jerk at the hospital.”

“Yes. It was very hard to see you.”

“Wow. So, the only reason why you agreed to treat me was because Ben and Claire asked.

“In the beginning, yes. But the day I saw you, I just… wanted to help.”

“I really don’t have any interest in your pity, Cas. And you fixed my leg as a bonus. Your words.”

“It wasn’t like that. I swear it wasn’t. I just…I didn’t know how to react to your presence. I… wanted to slap you and to kiss you at the same time. That’s why my actions were so… erratic.”

“But you started to change, Cas… And I thought… What happened?”

Castiel doesn’t want to tell Dean what he said right after the surgery, but – “I don’t want to hide anything from you anymore. Well, what happened was that… After the surgery, you… were a little agitated. It happens sometimes, as a post-effect of the anesthesia. I calmed you down and then you said… you asked me not to hate you. You said you were sorry, and I… believed.”

“I don’t remember any of this.”

“You’ll probably never will. But it really happened.”

Dean nods absently, frowning, like he’s trying to remember. Then he gives up. “And then, just like that, you decided you wanted to see me?”

“I realized I’m incapable of hating you. The hurt was still there, Dean, but not hate, never hate.”

“Cas, I’m really confused. Why did you kiss me, if you weren’t sure what you wanted? I mean, we could have remained friends.”

“You suggested we kissed. You kissed me first.”

Dean arches his eyebrows. “Dude, all I did was kiss you. You practically attacked me in the damn break room. Not that I’m complaining!” he adds when Castiel opens his mouth to protest. “My point is that you agreed with everything that happened. A lot, I should say.”

Castiel feels his cheeks burning. It seems this have been happening a lot lately. He wonders when he started to act like a teenager. “I never denied that I feel very… attracted to you.”

Dean’s face closes off and his jaw clenches. “If you’re going to say that this thing between us is only sex, Cas, I swear…”

“No! I’m sorry for what I said. Please, Dean! It’s not. That’s only what I told myself, because I was determined not to fall for you again.”

“Gee, Cas. That’s really great.”

Castiel sighs and leans towards Dean. “The thing is that I was already head over heels for you. I just hadn’t realized it yet. But… last night, it hurt so much. Dean. I thought I was never going to see you again. And I just… it was horrible.”

They gaze at each other, keeping eye contact for a while.

Finally, Dean lowers his head. “Wow. That’s a lot to process, Cas. You thought all this time that I was a son-of-a-bitch asshole, and yet you still went to bed with me. That’s really fucked up, man. I hope you… were not trying to punish me, to make me fall for you again and dump me like I dumped you. Cause that… “ Dean is serious now, and his jaw clenches a bit. “That would be just the icing on the cake.”

Castiel feels a pang of guilt. He wasn’t doing that, not exactly. But, in a way, it was precisely that, what he ended up doing. “I thought it would be stupid to deny that we were attracted to each other. I decided to just… enjoy what part of you I could have, so when you left again, I wouldn’t feel… so empty.”

“Oh, that was a really great plan, Cas! Thanks for the vote of confidence! You were waiting for me to just leave?” Dean finally loses his patience, but then he presses his lips together. “Sorry. I promised myself that I would be calm for this talk, but you’re making it very hard for me. You do realize that, while I was here all excited and… fucking shit, I was hopeful, man! I was over the moon with hope, because I could finally have a life with you and… all the time you were holding back, thinking I would leave you in the end? Shit, Cas. I don’t even know what to say to this.”

“I was a coward, I know.” Castiel feels dejected. “If only I had read the letter, I could have saved us both all this pain.”

Dean blows out his cheeks and lets the air out slowly. “Nah. I was a coward too. I mean, who writes letters, uh? I should have sat down with you and told you everything about Lisa’s pregnancy. It would have hurt like hell, but shit, it hurt anyway.”

“What now?” Castiel asks, uncertain.

“I don’t know, Cas. I’m really at a loss here.”

“I understand.”

“That’s a lot to process, you know? I’m still trying to accept the fact that you hated me for years. It must have ben hard for you when I came back.”

“I never hated you, Dean. Or, I did, but… don’t they say hate is an emotion close to love?”

Dean snorts. “No shit. I really hated you yesterday.”

Castiel sighs. He already did what he came here to do. He told Dean how much of an idiot he was, how long he waited to have the courage to read his letter. Now it’s up to him.

He gets up. There’s only one more thing he needs Dean to know and then he’ll be on his way. “The other day, when I came here and you said you wanted to tell people about us… it’s not that I wasn’t ready. It’s that I’d just had an epiphany that afternoon, that I’m completely in love with you, and I was freaking out. That’s why I lashed out like that: I was terrified of loving you.”

With that, Castiel turns on his heels and walks to the door. Dean doesn’t say anything, he’s looking at Castiel with his lips parted in surprise.

“When you’re ready, Dean… if you’re ready… call me, okay?” Castiel walks to the door feeling like this is the end. Dean will think he’s too fucked up, and maybe he is, maybe he’s not worth it. But then he feels Dean’s hand on his arm.

“Where the hell are you going, Cas?”

“Um… home? To wait for your call?”

“And why would I call you when you’re right here, you moron?”

“Because you’re still deciding if- “

“Stop right now. Cas, you child, I don’t need to decide anything. You think I’m gonna let you leave, now that we’re finally on the same page?”

“But-“

“Shut up, Cas.”

“Okay.”

Dean puts his arms around Castiel’s waist, pulling him closer. “Now would be a great time for a kiss, don’t you think?” he whispers. He comes even closer and pauses when their lips are just barely touching. “I love you.”

Castiel feels the puffs of Dean’s breath on his lips. He looks at Dean’s green eyes, fixed on his, and they’re clear and sincere. “I love you too.”

They kiss, slowly but deeply, like they never want this moment to end. “I’m sorry for leaving you like that,” Dean rasps, face close to Castiel’s. “I should’ve made sure you never doubted you were the one I love.”

“I’m sorry I never read your letter. And for being an asshole to you. And I’m sorry for freaking out and fighting instead of telling you that I love you.” Castiel’s arms rest on Dean’s shoulders and he pulls him in a tight hug.

Eyes locked, they start to unbutton each other’s shirts, mirrored gestures that show how in tune they are. Castiel’s shirt slides over his shoulders and Dean’s hands soon follow. Bare chested, they hold each other tight again, feeling soft skin with rough hands. Castiel sighs as he feels Dean’s mouth traveling from his mouth to his chin and neck, until it reaches a point behind his ear, where it stays, making his breath hitch.

Dean starts unzipping his pants, touching the hardness inside it and Castiel moans when Dean slides his pants over his hips, along with his underwear, until they hit the ground. When he starts to undo his own jeans, Castiel stops him.

“Let me," he murmurs, sitting on the coach with Dean standing in front of him, and he licks his belly button, feeling the flesh quivering under his mouth. Dean buries his hands in his hair and closes his eyes, smiling, and the sight is so beautiful it sends goose bumps through Castiel’s skin. He unzips Dean’s pants and takes them off slowly, focusing on the hardness before him, easily visible through the soft fabric of Dean's underwear. He caresses it gently and Dean bucks his hips. “Cas…” he pants.

Castiel’s mouth water at the sight of Dean’s freckled skin before him. He takes the underwear off finally. “I want to kiss every inch of you,’ he teases. “Maybe today you’ll let me count all your freckles.”

Dean huffs a laugh. “There’s even more now, it’s gonna take a hell of a long time.”

“I’m not in a hurry.” He mouths the happy trail going from Dean’s belly button, lower and lower, until Dean tugs at his hair.

“Stop. I don’t wanna come now. I want you.”

Castiel shakes his head slightly. “No, not like this.” He gets up and kisses Dean again, this time a rough kiss. When he feels Dean responding in the same intensity, Castiel lets go, surrendering to him. “I want to feel you, Dean. Please.”

 “God, Cas…” Dean kisses him roughly again. He’s in charge now, and the kiss turns brutal, like Castiel’s very soul is being pulled, like he’s being turned upside down.

He feels like he’s floating. He doesn’t know if he wants to laugh or cry, he can’t even move, pressed as he is into Dean’s arms. His knees are so weak from the kiss that he would sink to the floor if not for Dean’s strong arms holding him, anchoring him. This is the man he loves, his Dean, his love, who makes every minute worth the ride, despite everything that happened between them.

They lie on the couch, Dean on top of him, and they kiss and hold onto each other as if their lives depend on them being together. ‘Maybe they do’, Castiel thinks, because he feels that, if Dean leaves him now, he will die.

Later, when Dean pushes into him in one smooth movement, Castiel surges forward, desperate for more contact, more anything, more of Dean. Their rhythm starts already fast, already intense, like they can’t wait. Their bodies are slick with sweat; their moans are filling the air. Dean kisses Castiel’s mouth, neck, shoulder, and Castiel takes and gives back everything he can.

When their wild pace goes erratic and Dean shudders, moaning Castiel’s name loudly, Castiel is there with him, stumbling and falling into a pool of light, and he wants to drown in it, be consumed by it, by this love that waited so long but it’s finally here, finally his.

When they part, they don’t say anything for a while, because they don’t have to. Dean opens his arms and Castiel stays there, in his sweaty embrace, legs tangled, chests heaving, eyes never leaving each other. This is heaven. This is everything.

 

SPN SPN SPN

 

_ONE YEAR LATER_

It’s very hard to make Dean leave the house so Castiel can get everything ready. But Mary is helping, and the kids too.

Ben and Claire are not dating anymore, the distance, when Ben left for college in Yale didn’t help. But that’s okay, they remained friends, and now that Castiel and Dean live together at the new house, there’s a room for Ben too. Claire has already decided she’s staying in Lawrence and going to KU. It’s all right. They’re like a big, happy family, and it’s really cheesy, like Dean says, but it’s real, and Castiel couldn’t want more.

Dean loves teaching at KU. Castiel never imagined he would adapt so fast. They bought this house six months ago, and it’s exactly like one of those movies, where the happy couple moves to a house with a garden and a white picket fence. They don’t mind when Sammy, Gabe and Samandriel tease them, saying they’re having an ‘apple pie life’, because well, they are.

Today is a special day, and Castiel is nervous as hell. Not because he thinks Dean won’t like the surprise, but because he wants everything to be perfect. Claire and Mary will take Dean to the mall so he can help them chose her prom dress.

“I don’t know why I have to go,” he complains to Claire during breakfast. “In case you didn’t notice, I’m a guy.”

“That’s because I need a masculine opinion, Dean,” Claire rolls her eyes and pats his arm. “You know Dad’s fashion sense consists in a white button down and a black suit.”

“It’s true, you know,” Castiel says, kissing Dean’s cheeks.

“All right, sweetheart, I’ll do it. But just because I can’t resist those puppy dog eyes of you guys.”

So, they drag Dean to the mall after lunch, spend hours choosing Claire’s dress – at one point Dean calls Castiel saying he can’t look at one more gown – and on their way back, Mary’s car ‘breaks’. Dean calls Castiel saying he is sorry, but he had to take the car to Bobby’s garage, and when he got there, Bobby informed him that he had too much work to do, so he couldn’t fix it, why Dean didn’t fix his mom‘s car himself?

Castiel wants to laugh, but he’s not going to spoil the surprise. “Well, whenever you’re ready, I’ll be waiting.”

“Still need to take Mom home, I left the Impala there, she insisted we came on her car, shouldn’t have listened. Then, I’ll drop Claire by Krissy’s and go straight home, all right?”

“Don’t worry, I’m reading an article, take your time, I know Mary wants to spend some time with you.”

“I know. But today is your day off,” Dean complains.

Castiel is thankful for Claire and Mary’s help. Naomi and Madison – now Sam’s fiancée – just left, they were helping too, and everything is ready. All he needs to do now is take a shower and get ready for when Dean comes home.

An hour later, he hears the Impala’s roar from the street. He stays in the middle of the living room and waits.

“Cas?” Dean’s voice comes from the foyer. Why are all the lights off? “Did something happen – oh.”

Castiel smiles, imagining Dean looking at the banner by the living room’s door that says “Welcome to Novak’s Ballroom.”

“Cas?” Dean’s voice is surprised and it trembles a little as he steps into the living room.

“Hello Dean,” Castiel says, and he turns the lights on.

Dean gasps. The living room is entirely decorated just like Bobby’s garage at their private ‘prom’ years ago. There are white drapes covering the walls, and colorful paper lanterns pending from the ceiling. The whole place looks dreamy, ethereal. Castiel is proud for spending time in every detail. Tonight is a very special night.

“Happy one year anniversary,” he says, walking slowly towards Dean. “You thought I would forget, didn’t you?”

Dean smiles and shrugs slightly. “I didn’t say anything this morning either. You look good.”

It’s Castiel turn to smile. He’s wearing a tuxedo, just like he did when they – wait a minute. Why is Dean wearing a suit? “Dean? Why are you wearing a suit?”

Dean raises an eyebrow. “Dude, just because I didn’t say anything, it doesn’t mean I forgot. Needed an excuse to go out with Mary and Claire so we could buy this suit. It’s custom made.”

Castiel laughs. “So, Claire and Mary were just playing with me?“

“They were playing with us both.” Dean holds his hand and looks around. “I had no idea you were going to do this.”

Castiel pulls the remote control from his pocket and presses ‘on’. “You haven’s seen anything yet.”

When the song starts, Dean’s eyes widen. “You didn’t.”

“I did. Dance with me?”

Dean throws his head back and laughs, and it’s so beautiful and he looks so happy that Castiel laughs too. They hold each other close and start swaying with the music.

 _When I fall in love,_  
_It will be forever,_  
_Or I’ll never fall in love._

“This is really our song,” Castiel whispers. “Because when I fell in love with you, it was ‘it’ for me, Dean. I’ve never fallen for anyone, ever again."

Dean's smile is bright as he pulls Castiel closer. They keep dancing.

_When I give my heart,_

_It will be completely,_

_Or I‘ll never give my heart._

“I’ve never given my heart to anyone, Cas; only to you. And…” Dean chuckles. “You’re the only one able to make me say romantic thinks like this. This is so sweet my teeth are aching.”

“I think a day like this called for a special, romantic gesture, don’t you think?” Castiel is smiling so much that his cheeks hurt.

“I agree.” Dean kisses him, soft and long. “But you ain’t seen nothing yet.” He drops to one knee and takes a small velvet box from one pocket.

It’s Castiel’s turn to gasp. “Dean…”

“Castiel Novak, will you marry me?” Dean opens the box and inside it, there are two silver bands, simple but beautiful. He looks nervous, as if he expects Castiel to say no.

Castiel pulls Dean by the lapels of his jacket and kisses him, pouring all his happiness, all his unbelievable happiness into the kiss. “A million times yes,” he whispers. “There was never any doubt, because you're my life, Dean. I will always say yes to you.”

They put the rings on each other’s hands with trembling fingers and hug each other tight. The music has already stopped, but Dean starts swaying again. “Let’s dance some more. As they say, ‘play it again, Sam.’ ”

“Um. Dean, that is from another movie, Casablanca, in 1942. Our song is from the film One Minute to Zero, from 1952 and you’re a decade early– “

“Cas?”

“Uh?”

“Shut up and kiss me, all right?”

Castiel smiles, feeling young, free and happy. Like he's a teenager, and his life is just about to begin. Well, maybe it is. “I can do that.”

And they dance for hours, love each other, laugh, cry, talk, hold hands. What really matters is that they're together, and nothing else. Castiel and Dean know that this is it, this is where they're meant to be, and they will probably be ridiculously happy, ever after, just like they should have been so many years ago. But, as they say, ‘when two people are meant for each other, no time is too long, no distance is too far, and nobody can keep them apart.’ Not even themselves.

In this universe and in all the others, should they exist, fictional or not, Dean Winchester and Castiel belong together.

 

THE END


End file.
